Hi guys.

[Inkahootz]

Hi all.

Thanks for reading.

I dont really know where to start.
I'm just beginning to realise that ive been struggling with mental health for most of my life. I'm now 36 years old.

For the most part it's level and can cope with the issues, but have deep dark lows. "This is normal" I keep telling myself, but am beginning to realise it may not be.
Essentially, I have two incredible kids and a partner. We bought a rural property 18 months ago that should have made finances easier and simpler. Financial woes have rolled in where I had to sideline my business to earn income elsewhere, while she tends to the school aged kids.
I was high achieving in my business and well regarded.

Havnt had a single break in 18 months. Every project ends in failure and costs us more money we really cant afford.
It's not due to incompetance either, but bad luck and circumstance.
I've taken a job that barely pays the bills but is slowly sucking the life from me.

I work while my partner spends time with the kids and takes them on school holiday trips.

I've begun hating on life and been mean to everyone I come across.
I get up early 4:30am to get to work, then work late in my business to try and kick start it back up again.
At my day job, I dont have the tolerance to sustain workplace relationships. I just think, "stuff them".

I barely have the energy to speak, let alone operate.

The last 6 months have been like a death bell though.
I've never been this low, and struggle to see the light at the end.

I've taken several of the steps- Good diet, exercise and social groups. Trying to focus on the positive.
It all seems to just fall aside when the dog comes growling.

I'm literally exhausted and wake thinking "Just end this".

I have zero thoughts of self harm, or harm to those around me. It's not my thing.

This evening my partner asked "Is there a reason you aren't speaking to me?
I realised I hadnt acknowledged her for a few days.
All I could reply was "I feel like dirt and dont feel like speaking with anybody".

I just feel like worthless scum and struggle with finding the point to it all.

Is this something any of you have dealt with and what are some ideas to overcome?

I realise this is situational, but it presents often, so I really need some methods of coping.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Inkahootz and welcome to Beyond Blue.

Sorry for your current circumstances, it sounds energy sapping and difficult.

One thing that came at me was are you getting enough sleep? From personal experience lack of sleep can really effect your moods. You could be sleep deprived and overworking which could contribute to your feelings. You could be taking on too much!

Everyone deserves a break and some me time. But you've been at it without a break.

Is there any way your partner could make some income too. Is that a possibility?

You've been trying your damn hardest by the sounds of things so I'd be proud of that.

Some people find seeing a psychologist or getting medical health beneficial. Getting out and exercising is an excellent idea!

Is it a matter of letting go of what u cannot control and accepting things as they are? If u can't accept them is there a way of changing them.

I have faith things can improve for you.

[PamelaR]

Hello Inkahootz and welcome to Beyond Blue forums.

Good you've found your way to our community of caring, friendly, supportive and non judgemental people.
Thank you for sharing. Being incredibly busy makes it easy for the black dog to come gnawing. I'm not a health professional, though i can share my experience of depression.

I have lived 50 odd years with PTSD, anxiety and depression. However, I was only diagnosed 7-8 years ago. Like you I have periods of excess energy, productivity and activity. Then there were times I'm down. I've found these down times came on after I was triggered and suffered anxiety for a week or two. It was a vicious circle. At times I was incredibly rude, blunt and assertive (though some would say aggressive).
I recognised these not so nice aspects of myself and visited a pscyhologist about changing my behaviour. She helped me work on changing my thinking, which I did. This worked for many years. I no long get angry. However while I changed my behaviour, I still had my downs. More recently I had to get to the bottom of why I was so angry. My latest psychologist worked on my schema (i.e. my basic structure of what I believe about myself).Helped me to evaluate the basic thoughts and values I had about myself.

Hope you don't mind if I ask some questions as I go along. No pressure though for you to answer anything you don't want to.

Who do you have to talk to, either on the phone or in person? For example a close family member (e.g. dad, mum, brother, sister?) or trusted friend? Talking really helps, though from what you've said maybe that's not for you. Though you've taken a step and reached out here - that's great. Perhaps, online talking is better for you? There are a range of services available out there, e.g.

Beyond Blue 1300 224 636 or visit there website to chat

Lifeline 13 11 14 or visit there website to chat

Another very important aspect to depression is getting help from a doctor and a health professional. Do you have a doctor you see regularly? Have you talked about your mental health and the possibility of going on a mental health plan? This gives you 10 bulk billed visits to a psychologist.

Something else to think about - you have several stressors at the moment. Moving to a new neighbourhood, change of work, change in finances - all very stressful. I think you need to be kind to yourself.

You're not alone Inkahootz, keep reaching out when and if you want to.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Inkahootz]

Thanks so much for your advice Monkey_Magic.
Wise words.

I'll work through it.

[Inkahootz]

You're awesome PamelaR.

Thanks very much for the advice.
You guys are such an amazing resource.
It's so much appreciated!