Not coping

[animatali]

I found this forum in the wee hrs of the morning. Yet another night of little sleep. The bad back, and just to make my life hell, bronchitis! My reserves are rock bottom. I think writing my feelings down will help a little. The few friends who I talk to get positively sick of me complaining. And the counsellor seen monthly is trying. My husband is suffering from depression. This latest episode has been ongoing since the new year. We moved into a new (very old) house in the country, just before Xmas. The plan was to renovate. That’s now not happening. He doesn’t want to, & I cannot do it on my own. I have run out of energy. To add to the pain. The house is really old. So absolutely freezing now. Poor (very expensive) heating. And wet, damp, miserable. I pushed him to see his psychiatrist, so medication was started again, (self medicates regularly which drives me mad). That has kicked in, so he is told by his psychiatrist, who he gets to see every 6 weeks. I go to work to pay for this. I’m on a mental health plan to see a psychologist because we have very little money. He sleeps in late. I can’t sleep. He might watch a movie, play card games on his phone, and I work. He might do something else for an hour or so, IF I tell/ask him. Exersice? Only if I initiate it. Outings? A few, if I organise them. Shower? Only if I insist. I am absolutely at rock bottom. I feel like I’m living with a baby/lazy teenager. I’ve read heaps about how to live with a partner who is depressed. The info always assumes the supportive partner is just that. Loving, caring, kind, tolerant, forgiving. I am none of these. Today, I hate my husband. Yesterday, I hated him also. I am turning into an angry, bitter awful person. And I’m lying in bed with a heat bag on my bad back, dressing gown on, wheezing and coughing, and I have to go to work today. An hr drive there and another back, my shift is 1-9. I feel like I’m trapped in a living hell. Just re reading this post, and now I’m crying to boot!

[smallwolf]

animatali,

Hi and welcome to beyond blue.

I don't really have any words at the moment that would make you feel better. I and most of the other people here are people who have some form of mental illness or support someone who does. While we (or I) cannot offer professional advice, I am listening to you.

I noticed that you mentioned he goes to a psychiatrist periodically, whereas you are seeing a psychologist. Me, I am seeing both and my psychiatrist leaves the mind games to the psychologist. For me, a session with the psychiatrist only goes for 30min whereas i get an 1 hour with the psychologist. So juggling medications and mind stuff into such a short time is difficult. Enough on me!

I suspect there was a time when you did love your husband, when you were "Loving, caring, kind, tolerant, forgiving". But if you had to do everything then it would appear all one-sided into the relationship, where you are doing everything and him very little if anything. This would lead to thoughts of betrayal, mistrust, critical etc. What I am about to say is very different to what to you are describing but it is similar to a group project my daughter does at high school where she might do all the work for the group because the other do nothing, and they wonder why she might be frustrated, angry, irritated for the duration of the assignment.

In this way, I can understand where you are coming from. Yet do not have an answer to your question. And somehow your husband needs to become aware of the effect his actions have or are having on the relationship. Which leads me back to what I say elsewhere about communication. I would suspect you and he have had these conversations, but asking whether he is really aware of the consequences. And whether this conversation can exist without devolving into an argument. And from this or multiple conversation(s) work out the resolution. Whatever that might be. If I can borrow an idea from a book I read, that resolution can be renew or release the relationship.

I will you and your husband all the best,

Tim

[Grimz555]

animatali sorry you have to go through this i myself am going through the same thing with my wife. Its hard but all i can say is take a step back and focus on your self kinda like, when the plane is going down put the mask on your self before you can help other people. I am sorry you feel the way you do and ur not a bad person for feeling these things are natural to feel your going through alot let your self breathe. Namaste and let peace go with you.

[animatali]

Thank you. It does help to put “pen to paper”. There are many times I would like to have a release from our relationship. Yet am uncertain if this is an answer. My husband heads back into his personal cave when I try to talk to him about the consequences of his behaviour. It seems he listens but does not hear.

[animatali]

Thanks for a reply. A good mantra. “Put your own mask on first”. Mine is going on, just as I call the steward for another champagne!!! Work must have been good for me today. Feeling a lot better.

[Doolhof]

Hi Animatali,

Is it possible for you and your husband to have couple's counselling? I know that might not be affordable or possible, but it could be worth a try. Or could you ask either of your mental health people you already see if a joint session is possible?

There is quite a lot of information on this site regarding helping someone with depression, I don't know if it is the same as what you have previously read.

Both my husband and I have depression so life can be interesting in our home especially when we are both having a down time! Like Tim mentioned, communication helps!

Regarding the house, have you tried making up a list with your husband to see what jobs need doing. Think about one thing you would like to work on and write out ways this is achievable. Breaking jobs down into manageable portions can help.

I also understand that money may well be an issue. If there are drafts in the house, can you use towels under doors for example to help keep the chill out?

We have a home handy man section here on the forum, I don't remember he exact title, but Geoff who care takes it has some wonderful advice and tips. You might like to check it out.

Encouragement for yourself and your husband might help things along as well. I know when I am grumpy and down life does not go as well as it could.

Cheers to you from Dools

[animatali]

Thank you.

It’s so helpful knowing there is someone out there!

We do have one small plan. To get one room warm. My husband’s job is to do something towards this each day while I’m at work. This plan lasted 3 days. I’m in bed now with flue. 10.45am. He is next to me asleep. He will only get up if I get up. I know if I place no demands on him, this is where he will stay. And he will only work on the room if I start myself and ask him to help. The room is sitting there empty and waiting.

I feel really lost because reading all the other posts, most people talk about their depressed partner pushing them away, or getting angry. There is endless talk of loving their depressed partner so much and wanting to help.

My husband is a quiet gentle person. He is like a helpless puppy that’s has attached himself to me and I’m drowning.

I want to do all the screaming at him. I want to shake him. I want some reaction. He does not know how to talk to me. He never has been good with communication. He has stopped going to see his psychologist. I know it’s me pushing him away. It’s me rejecting him.

I feel no love, compassion or respect towards him at all.

I feel the relationship is slowly disintegrating. I cannot see marriage counselling helping at the moment because he is still in the grips of depression. And having given up his counselling, I see little drive to work on anything.

Each day is difficult.

[Doolhof]

Hi Animatali,

Sorry to read you have the flu, that is the pits on top of everything else.

Am I right in reading that you are really sick and tired of your husband's depression and the effect it is having on you both? Do you find it hard to understand how depression can turn someone like your husband into a person who seems able to achieve very little?

I'm not throwing this back in your face, I'm trying to understand the situation. Depression is horrid. It can be debilitating. It can sap a person of so much. Living with it is horrid. Trying to live with someone suffering from it can be horrid.

There have been times when my husband and I have yelled and screamed at each other in frustration. There have been times when my husband has told me to leave the house and that he wants a divorce due to my depression.

Do you find the visits with the psychologist are helping you?

Are there things you can do to try and add more happiness and a sense of peace to your own life?

Can you stop trying to push your husband for a week and let go of the frustration and possible anger you are feeling towards him? I know this will probably mean nothing is achieved unless you do everything, maybe you could do nothing as well for a week just to have a rest.

Some people are weird in the way they react. I stopped doing stuff so my husband took over and washed the dishes (once only mind you!) I stopped getting the wood in for the fire, so he decided to go and get the wood.

I certainly hear your frustration, your resentment, maybe confusion and not knowing what to do next.

Do you have the opportunity to rest and get rid of the flu or do you have to keep working? Hopefully you have the opportunity to have some days off work with sick leave. I know for some people that is just wishful thinking!

I've prattled on! Hope the flu soon disappears.

Cheers from Dools

[animatali]

Thank you Dools.

How do you feel when your husband gets frustrated with you when you are in the grips of depression? And yes, I find it difficult to understand, accept and forgive. His depression has had some hideous consequences in our 14 yr relationship, and we have lost an enormous amount of money.

Yes, trying to back off for a while will be a good approach for me to try. I think my major task is to get rid of this insidious cough and sore throat. I feel so lousy.

[Doolhof]

Hi Animatali,

How do I feel when my husband gets frustrated with me when I am in the grips of depression?

I feel many things, it can be different each time. Some of my feelings include: feeling angry, frustrated, not understood, not acknowledged or validated not recognised that I have a legitimate illness I cannot always control, sad, suicidal, like I want to run away, that I am useless, that life is meaningless, I have no purpose and so on. Sometimes I just want o curl up in a ball and cry.

There are times when I try really hard to have some control over how I am there. In reality, there are times when no matter how hard I try, I just "can't snap out of it."

I find my own depression hard to understand, accept, to live with and comprehend. Especially the days when it just seems too over bearing and I can't do anything to rise above it.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my psychologist. I was there for 10 minutes then ran away crying so hard I could hardly see where I was going. I know by running away I achieved nothing. I just couldn't stay!

Depression can be very cruel and harmful. I know I have made a lot of mistakes.

Hopefully you can concentrate on looking after yourself for a while. When you are better, can you find a way to treat yourself now and then to help you feel better about yourself?

I indulge in a massage once a month or every second month depending on finances. The young lady I go to is fully trained. It is my treat for myself.

I hope some of my sharing helps you to understand depression from a different angle. I do feel empathy for anyone trying to understand another person's struggle with depression.

Cheers to you from Dools