Hello, I'm new, I'm 68 yo and I feel as if I'm dying of emotional starvation.

SMYN · ‎20-09-2017

It's 3.45 am. I can't sleep and so I came here.

I'm from WW2 refugees who went through their own hell to survive. Australia became a safe place to live but such survivors had to do things which weren't spoken of later and so secretive, dysfunctional families, stradling different cultures became a normal life. I thought what I'd seen and learnt was behind me.

I became a nurse specialising in Pain Management, Dementia Management and Palliative Care for 32 years. One night 2 years ago, after coming home from a difficult afternoon shift, I had a bottle of wine. still couldn't sleep, took a sleeping tablet and had a complete mental breakdown. With my husband's and my doctor's help, I'm much better. I have not touched alcohol since and am on antidepressants.

What is happening now tho' is that I'm having flashbacks to bad times and my family has broken apart so no-one talks to anyone else. I've isolated myself while recovering and have no-one with whom I can have long intelligent conversations or laughter. My husband is a dour, insular person, obsessed with not spending money so we don't go out and I'm at a point where I need to make some life style changes choices but don't know where to start.

I love all things "homey"; sewing, quilting, knitting, crocheting and cooking. We have 3 children, 2 we never see; they have drugs and alcohol issues, one we see rarely and it's tense. we have 5 grandchildren we don't see because of our relationships with their parents.

Nursing was my saviour for a long time. I had so much affection to give and got as much back that life was hard but rewarding. I don't laugh any more and I have nightmares every night and I want to find a way to a peaceful night's sleep and a reason to wake up and get started. It has taken sheer desperation to open up this much.

SMYN · ‎24-09-2017

We are amazing aren't we? Nurses care and care and care for others. we know about trauma, mental health, breakdowns and yet so often don't see the tsunami coming for us out of our endless "giving". Well just these few days of writing about where I am has helped. I find it restful to join this community in the middle of the night, have my say and leave it with all of you to give me a little help the next time. I am grateful for the different perspectives to think about. Welcome yourself and I hope you find something joyful to do after the nursing hours, that's one of the areas where I let myself down. I should have taken time for more pleasure activities and for me that Is NOT going to a gym. It's live theatre, art shows, craft markets and flower exhibitions. I plan to build those into my life now. Where is your "happy place"?

SMYN · ‎24-09-2017

5 months of isolation! not easy and having been one of those women who was pernickety about the house and gardens,it's been a culture shock to see clouds of dog hair laying around and which I'm just too weak to clean up.I had such a fright yesterday. I was coughing until I started to vomit [nasty] then my chest spasmed and I could breathe in or out. My husband was outside across the room and I couldn't call out for help and I started to blackout so I made myself fall off my chair. THAT fixed the spasm. as I lay there crying, frightened and miserable, I actually came to an understanding that I may/could have died. It changes your perspective when dying becomes a real possibility. Suddenly, I have ad a greater peace and acceptance of what and where my life is.

My family are cruel people and I will just leave them alone. My children have no value of my husband and myself, so I'll leave them alone to do the best they can.

Your advice to start going out on my own is exactly what I'm going to do as soon as I can get out of this house. How strange that we should both recognise the need to start going out by myself a little at a time at the same time.

I have also learnt, so quickly that there are a lot of good people out here and I'm glad I came here and have met a few. Thanks 🙂

Starwolf · ‎24-09-2017

What a frightening moment it must have been ! It's a shame a shift of perspective should come at such a price.

You are right. Involvement with toxic people only makes us vulnerable to the poison they spread. Retreat from negativity we can't change is an act of courage and wisdom. There are times when our own company is the best...I am glad you have decided to get out and about. It may feel odd after a long period of seclusion but hopefully it will soon grow on you.

RunGirl · ‎04-10-2017

I understand, SMYN. I was also always a giver - a teacher and in my relationships with damaged menMy shift in perspective. I ran out of energy and had a small breakdown but nobody helped me so I scrambled back to my feet again. I was consciously doing something nice for myself by getting out on a lovely summer's day, when my ex was in his usual "dark place" and unfortunately on that day I had a freak and terrible accident. I was on life support for 9 days and in hospital undergoing regular surgery for 2 months. Suddenly perspectives change, don't they? I found out who truly does and does not care for me (some surprises) and I mended some bridges that had sat smouldering for years just by calling people and saying "it's me. I wanted to tell you I love you". Unfortunately my biggest shock was the reaction of my mother. Once the main drama was over and I was dealing with PTSD, Post sepsis, reduced mobility and an abusive spouse, her reaction was that I was diem pathetic by calling her....we lived at other ends of the world, literally....because it was stressing her out. OK. My biggest supporters were others whom I didn't expect to care so much. I'm pulling for you. I know what it's like to just want to stay at home. Find that sewing circle and GO!!! xxxxxxxxxx RunGirl

SMYN · ‎14-10-2017

Thanks for your support and yet how hard a life you have had. Surprising who is there for you and who is not when you go down isn't it? Hope you keep strong because that's a big load of health issues to deal with.

Starwolf · ‎15-10-2017

Hi SMYN and good to meet you Rungirl.

How are you going with getting out and about a little ? Any progress ?

I agree, this is the fate of people who can't stop themselves giving. When all inner resources are depleted, a crash is inevitable. Those at the receiving end of the giving are seldom grateful. Self-centeredness compels them to keep taking, asking for more and taking for granted. We don't do such people a service by accepting to play the role of a crutch....it only reinforces the despondent attitude.

Learning self-care doesn't come easy. Particularly when self-esteem has taken a plunge because we have been deemed worthless by those around us. Serious rebuilding needs be done.

We cannot do this for anyone else. But we'll support you every step of the way.