hi Barbie, it appears as though you are suffering from PTSD, although I can't officially diagnose you, that would have to come from a doctor, and perhaps that would be worth a visit to see them, something that can take the sting out of how you are feeling, because going into an exam and then a panic attack happens is something you must try and avoid, so your doctor could do this.
I could go back over time and remember all the harm in my past, but also the good, but remembering them all especially the bad points is never going to make me feel any better, it's going to make me feel depressed, and I say this metaphorically speaking, but now you are a totally different person, you've matured from years ago, and all of us go through life experimenting, that's how we learn, that's how we mature.
You are different today so don't discredit yourself for what you have done before, if you keep doing this all your life, then you will get what is a classic saying and excuse for saying it, but a 'chip on your shoulder', and sorry if that does upset you when I say it.
Each day is a new day, the past is the past, now your life is headed in a new direction, respect yourself for what you are, but please consider going to your doctor. Geoff.
