Hello, I'm new, I'm 68 yo and I feel as if I'm dying of emotional starvation.

[SMYN]

It's 3.45 am. I can't sleep and so I came here.

I'm from WW2 refugees who went through their own hell to survive. Australia became a safe place to live but such survivors had to do things which weren't spoken of later and so secretive, dysfunctional families, stradling different cultures became a normal life. I thought what I'd seen and learnt was behind me.

I became a nurse specialising in Pain Management, Dementia Management and Palliative Care for 32 years. One night 2 years ago, after coming home from a difficult afternoon shift, I had a bottle of wine. still couldn't sleep, took a sleeping tablet and had a complete mental breakdown. With my husband's and my doctor's help, I'm much better. I have not touched alcohol since and am on antidepressants.

What is happening now tho' is that I'm having flashbacks to bad times and my family has broken apart so no-one talks to anyone else. I've isolated myself while recovering and have no-one with whom I can have long intelligent conversations or laughter. My husband is a dour, insular person, obsessed with not spending money so we don't go out and I'm at a point where I need to make some life style changes choices but don't know where to start.

I love all things "homey"; sewing, quilting, knitting, crocheting and cooking. We have 3 children, 2 we never see; they have drugs and alcohol issues, one we see rarely and it's tense. we have 5 grandchildren we don't see because of our relationships with their parents.

Nursing was my saviour for a long time. I had so much affection to give and got as much back that life was hard but rewarding. I don't laugh any more and I have nightmares every night and I want to find a way to a peaceful night's sleep and a reason to wake up and get started. It has taken sheer desperation to open up this much.

[Starwolf]

A warm welcome to you, SMYN.

Well done for finding the courage to open up about your distressful situation. Isolation is a sad feeling indeed unless -like your husband- you have an insular personality. I take it you are now retired from nursing. It must have been a difficult transition as your family life sounds almost non-existent. Isolation within the family is even more painful to bear. No wonder your heart feels broken.

Flashbacks to a traumatic past and nightmares are often a sign of PTSD. I once suffered from this illness many years, due to physical, emotional, sexual abuse among other things. It sometimes takes many years for the condition to surface. I'd suggest that -considering your past- you get this investigated as you will need a professional diagnosis.

If you want to do a bit of prior research, BlueKnot is a helpful, informative site to visit.There's also a PTSD section in these forums.

Getting out and about, joining group activities in your area would help you initiate connections and build new friendships. You have a lot to give, just nowhere and no one to give to. Even small communities usually have arts and crafts clubs or gatherings. A good way to put your talents out there. A local Community Center could point you in the right direction. Volunteering is also a terrific way to connect. Since spending money is not involved in either, your husband would have no reason to object.

Meanwhile, please feel free to navigate the forums and continue to post as much and as often as you wish. They're a great space to connect, interact and/or let steam off. It doesn't replace face to face contact but may help you feel less alone. We'd love to get to know you better.

Your contribution will be much appreciated.

[RunGirl]

Hi SMYN

Welcome. Good for you for coming here. I don't have much time to write much at this moment - I'll come back and chat to you more if you like - but one thing that immediately came to mind was your love of homey things and your passion for nursing. My partner's mother is 81 and still volunteers at an aged care facility herself (she's physically and mentally fit). She cooks slices, arranges in-house events, teaches them to knit, or simply talks with the residents....it saves her, as her husband is a difficult man and her closest child is my partner - we live 4 hours away. She loves it and they love her. Could you see yourself doing that?

Love

RunGirl

[SMYN]

Yes, 3/4 of the breakdown was ptsd. I'm lucky in my doctor and it has bought out the best of my husband but his patience is wearing thin and that's triggering the shakes inside. I really need to find a community to sew and laugh with however, staying home is becoming increasingly attractive, it's a circle at present. I'm hoping to get help breaking it from this site.

Thank you for your empathy and gentle words

[SMYN]

No. I never want to go into a hospital again. I was at the high end of trauma for 42 years and I have nothing left to give. That's what is breaking my heart. I gave until I broke and now have such low emotional responses that I'm trying to find myself again. It is so unpleasant. I have always been a capable problem solver, a giver of useful and practical support [and have the thank you cards to look back on] and I'm in this flat desolate place without most emotions but pain and puzzlement. It's compounded by family problems and I'm so sad. oh god what a grizzler! I WILL find a way out of this black hole, I just need a little help to get there. I'm counting on all of you to let me knoe If as I make choices, they are positive not destructive.

[SMYN]

This has been a bad few months for me. I have been ill with the flu for 5 months. 7 courses of antibiotics and sometimes I cough so much I think I may stop breathing; scary. 3 months ago, my mother , with whom I had come to an understanding and agreement of our relationship died. My sisters, their children and husbands were at her side and they decided that because Mum and I weren't "close" it would just upset her too much if I were there. An hour after she died, my niece's husband rang to tell me it had happened and I could not say a thing. Yet inside I was screaming. I was too ill to attend her funeral and finally last week, [ 2 months after Mum's funeral] a friend of the family came to visit, saw I was still quite ill and left telling me that as least she could tell my family that I really was probably too sick to attend the funeral. What do you do? It comes back at night and keeps me awake. I have NEVER in my life felt so sorry for myself and that frustrates me because it is not who I want to be. At least this vent has released a great deal of the tension I've carried around today. Thank you.

[kanga_brumby]

Have you thought to contacting your local Citizens Advice Bureau to see if there is a sewing circle knitting group in your area to give you an out let? just a thought.

Kanga

[SMYN]

NoI hadn't.Do I'll google it for my home area thanks

[Starwolf]

I am glad that talking to us is helping relieve some of the tension.

Navigating the forums is a good place to start when getting out of the house to mingle with people is difficult. I hope you can see it as a stepping stone towards more face to face interaction. Isolation is self-perpetuating. What starts off feeling like a safe, insulating bubble can easily turn into a prison. Breaking the circle slowly is the way to go. Perhaps going out for a cuppa on your own instead of having it at home, for example.

Having others make decisions on your behalf (and your mother's) is so frustrating. No wonder it makes you want to scream. The worst is they felt they were doing the right thing...so much so that they didn't feel the need to discuss it with you first.

Anyway, it was THEIR decision, you are in no way to blame.

The flu sure stops you in your tracks. But 5 months of it ? I can't imagine how debilitating that must be. Stress usually stalls recovery so I hope you can find ways to reduce it.

[molokai]

Hi SMYN

I just joined last night and like you it was in the early morning because I couldn't sleep and had no where else to go.

I'm so glad I have found the lovely gracious listening people here.

I still work in a clinical setting. Not in trauma, i know I couldn't deal with that. My father was in the war and was able to move here as he was in the allied Chinese army ( not many people know that the Chinese army were here.) I can appreciate what you say about being in maybe a non anglo family too. Working in a clinical setting finds you giving a lot of yourself, but I think it also finds you somehow refusing help for yourself. I think thats what I did until finally something broke. Now that it broke and I find myself here I have great hopes where there was none before. So from one newbie to another , welcome.

Sunny side up!