Newbie introduction and hoping for some connection

[Bella173]

Hi,

ive never posted to or been part of a forum before so I'm not really sure how this works but here goes.

Im 32 and live in regional SA. I've had bouts of depression and anxiety in the past, the most serious at age 23 and again at age 27. For the last few years I have had a number of big life changes-multiple new jobs, moved to the country, back to the city and then back to the country again.

In the last few months I noticed myself slowing right down, I started to have more and more sick days and cancelled things I enjoy doing. I was having trouble getting out of bed and no motivation. I feel so silly now but looking back I kept thinking 'I'm just sick' or 'it's work, I'm stressed'. I am now sure that I am slipping back into a depression.

My work is as a provisional psychologist (oh the irony). At work one day a coworker asked if I was ok and I just burst into tears. It came from nowhere. I went home that day I just cried and cried. And since then I really feel like crying all the time. My partner and I went away for five days to have a break and it was wonderful but now we are back I am feeling even more overwhelmed.

Today I feel I have hit a total low. I am feeling like there's just no point and everything is just too hard. I have stayed in bed and cried and cried. I am just so desperate to connect to others who can understand these feelings. I feel ashamed, guilty, stupid and so dumb-I'm a psychologist-how could I not recognise where I was at? I know everyone needs support it doesn't matter what profession but that doesn't make the feeling go away.

I have amazing support from my family and partner but it's so hard trying to explain what I'm feeling. My partner tries to be helpful but thinks I need to be pushed-he will say for example 'come on just get out of bed and let's go to breakfast, that will make u feel better'. The thought of getting up let alone going out just makes me feel so overwhelmed that I end up feeling worse. And then I feel guilty and ashamed and it all starts again.

i have booked in to see my gp on Tuesday for a mental health plan. I know I will get through this but right now it all seems too hard.

I hope this makes some sense and really hope I can connect with some of you on here.

x

[swtpotato]

Hi Bella,

I am 22 and have been struggling with depression and anxiety for a while - I've found the forums really welcoming and a great place to connect to people so I feel like you will too.

It looks like you know what to look for in yourself, and are taking the right steps to get treatment. The changes and stresses you've experienced recently would send anyone into overdrive. A perfect trigger for your depression it seems. Understanding where it comes from doesn't exactly stop the feelings though.

I understand your feelings of inadequacy due to your profession. How you feel about it sounds exactly like what any one of us here would write, just directed towards your own particular circumstances.

Wouldn't you say that a lack of insight is a real classic symptom of depression? Not something to blame yourself for, something easier said than done.

Yes the feelings of depression don't exactly translate well into words that others can understand. You could try and tell your partner what the best ways to help you are, as they probably don't think they are doing anything wrong. Very frustrating.

May I ask if you were on medication before your episode, and what brought you out of your previous ones? I hope the mental health plan works out well.

I think you will easily be able to find people to connect on here. You could try the social space, the staying well thread, or help others like yourself. Sounds like your experience would be helpful to others.

It is good to meet you and I hope you find the forums useful,

m

[Quercus]

Hi Bella and welcome to the forums,

I have to admit when I read this I just had to reply...

I feel ashamed, guilty, stupid and so dumb-I'm a psychologist-how could I not recognise where I was at?

Because psychologist or not... you're human and we're really good at putting ourselves last and blaming other things.

I'm just exhausted it has been a long week.... I'm just bringing the stresses from work home with me.... Oh it's the move back to the city we have been flat out... It is the bills and my car broke down and everything has just gone wrong this week. The list goes on and on.

And (I'm not a psych this is a Mum guess) surely as a psychologist there must be even a tiny tiny part of you that feels pressured to pretend everything is fine because everyone expects it of you?

Whatever the reason you recognised what was happening in the end Bella. You've made the appointment and reached out here and to your family. You've got this 😊

Flush the guilt and shame down the loo where they belong and take it as a learning experience...which will help you so much in the future to relate to and help others.

The thing I loved best about my psychologist was her down to earth nature and empathy. She didn't judge because she had been there too. I really feel as horrible as you're feeling right now this will make you such a strong psychologist in the future. Empathy and practical life experience with the techniques we all use to manage our depression.

I hope you can find some relief soon and are taking care of yourself in the meantime.

Nat

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Bella,

First things first, a friendly welcome.

Your post struck a chord with me so I wanted to reply (also admittedly because I can't sleep but that's another story).

Your sense of shame and guilt really comes across loud and clear in your post. You sound so disappointed in yourself (and hard on yourself too) for not picking it up sooner that your mental health has been suffering.

I think when it comes to fields like psychology, psychiatry, social work and counselling, firstly, you're starting with people who are often attracted to the field because of personal MH struggles. This means there are already people with MH "precedence" (i.e. Pre-existing MH issues to begin with). I'm not saying that this is necessarily the case for you, and I'm not saying that being drawn to the field for this reason is a bad thing either. What I'm trying to get across is there is often pre-existing MH "vulnerability" in the "helping" professions.

Then, on top, add the pressures from essentially hearing about people's problems day in, day out. In other words, dealing with highly emotionally draining work. Not to mention the stressors of life in general (e.g. your multiple moves back and forth between city and country) and it's the perfect "recipe", so to speak, for MH issues to surface, re-surface and/or be excacerbated.

I once read a book by a renowned clinical psychologist- wish I remembered the author's name- who wrote about some of his insights on his profession. He commented on how, by and large, his colleagues seemed to have just as many (if not even more sometimes) MH issues than their clients.

One example he gave was a fellow psychologist who he said displayed multiple symptoms of OCD (e.g. bolting down unusual things in her therapy room so they wouldn't be "moved" from a certain exact, position, etc). But she seemed to be in denial about her struggles although she could readily and effectively recognise MH issues in her clients

I guess my point is even though it's easier said than done, please don't feel bad for not picking up on how you didn't "pick up" on your struggles sooner. I think especially when your work revolves around caring for the needs of others, it's relatively easy for your own needs and MH to be sidelined. I think it's easy to forget that psychologists are human too with problems- understandably-and therefore also need help and self care (especially working in a high emotional labour environment).

Running out of characters.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xo