Harangued by darkness

[2024-01-11]

When it comes to my mental wellbeing, I've never come clean outside the closed conversations with trusted friends before. But as I get older & more isolated, I suffer more and more with anxiety and feel very shy about sharing my state of mind with others. I don't want to attract judgments that will adversely affect anybody's future opinions about me. My sleeping is often interrupted by dark thoughts that are not a part of my reality. And throughout the day, my reality is interrupted by senseless & unreasonable negativity that brings down my day.  I live in a building with a range of people that I get along with nicely, a beautiful family, and a good husband of 38 years. I am functional, well-organized, I stay on top of my domestic commitments, and I am a good contributor to our residential community. I live in a lovely apartment in a beautiful part of the world. I have so much to be thankful for and yet I am plagued by anxiety, anger, impatience and extreme irritability. There have been various periods throughout my life (from 10 years of age) where I have become prone to these emotions, and again I have found myself living in this same headspace over the last few months. I absolutely hate it! Admittedly, as a family we've had a lot going on lately, but it's really hard feeling out of control while my husband remains on the same trajectory as always - steady, balanced, unphased. It makes me want to scream!! Trying to act normal around him is hard work...impossible. Is there anybody out there who has been where I am (and have been countless times) throughout my 65 years? 

[Mark Z.]

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you've been facing. I can tell it is very hard for you, especially when these feelings become overwhelming and impacting your daily life and mental well-being, it's crucial to seek support.

May I ask if you have tried to seek professional support? Consulting your GP or a mental health professional can be beneficial. They can offer a safe space to explore your feelings without judgment and provide personalised strategies for managing your emotions. Therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) are particularly effective for anxiety and mood-related issues.

It also might be helpful to have an open conversation with your husband about what you're experiencing. Sometimes, just sharing your feelings with a loved one can bring relief and understanding. Your husband might be more supportive than you expect.

Hope things will be getting better.

Warmly,

Mark

[mmMekitty]

Hello 2024-01-11 & welcome

Mark Z. has given you some useful suggestions, so I won't repeat these myself.

As well as seeing your GP, I very much would suggest talking to your husband. I have a feeling he has been under stress, trying to keep his emotions in check, &, like you have been doing, too. I don't think either of you needs to deal with whatever the recent events were, alone. & if you can't turn to your partner when you, personally, are struggling, who do you turn to? He can't help if he doesn't know what help you need from him. But, yeah, if he can't help, then talking to your GP is a good idea. You can always talk to both your GP & partner, even seeing your GP together. If the GP suggests seeing a therapist, then,thtat's an option, too.

I'm sorry if that sounds a bit muddled - me tired. 🙀

 I just thought, what if both of are struggling & could support each other, but aren't because you are both hiding your feelings from the other.

Wish you (& your family) well,

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[2024-01-11]

Hello Mark

Thank you for your very thoughtful reply. I am so glad I took the leap and investigated the BB online world. I apologise for such a tardy response. I have rarely had any time alone for a few days and I need to be alone to manage my pensive self.

I did seek professional support many years ago for a chronic period of anxiety in the early stages of my relationship with my husband - a psychiatrist in fact - and was extremely disappointed. My issues at the time, which revolved around my relationship with my husband (before we were married) and my in-laws, were never resolved and lasted for about a decade. Due to my feelings of isolation, I felt like I was the one totally responsible for the problems that plagued all of us when any discussions around the problems took place. There was a terrible lack of understanding from any other party & going by the judgments about other people in crisis i.e. people in their circle of friends, I felt like I was the “Nervous” one. So from then on I knew I had to stand on my own 2 feet – not unusual due to my family breaking up when I was a youngster.

That was a long time ago now & I accept that the treatment of people with anxiety has changed a lot nowadays. I take note of your suggestion around CBT & will look further into it. In the coming days I will also speak with my husband about a few things. I will post again soon, because the clouds are lifting a little & I would like you to know that your response has been very helpful.

Until the next contact

Harangued

[2024-01-11]

Hello mmMekitty

Thank you for your response. I daresay that you will be able to read my reply to Mark Z's post so I won't write anything unnecessary for you to read.

I think you are right in that we are both going through things & perhaps sharing the load will be beneficial to the both of us. I will soon discuss with my husband a range of things that need to be resolved. Opportunities to do that are not plentiful at the moment, but they will soon emerge. As he is not usually vulnerable with his feelings unless something out of the ordinary is going on...I am hesitant to share many of my ups & downs with him (I normally will go quiet and withdraw when I am in the zone of anxiousness).

Again, thank you for taking the time to reply to my original post, it means a lot. You will see another post from me soon, when things have lightened up a little & I am back on an even keel. 

Until we speak on this thread again...

Very Appreciative!

[Mark Z.]

Hi there, thank you for sharing this update. It's truly unfortunate to learn about the unsuccessful nature of your previous treatment and the distressing experience you endured. I concur with your point that nowadays a wider array of options exists, which could potentially be more effective. It's commendable that you are contemplating seeking professional help again and discussing your situation openly with your husband. Seeking support is a strength not a weakness and you should be proud of yourself for your courage. My hopes are with you for a favorable outcome, and I believe that you are moving towards a better path. Look forward to hearing more about your progress.