Friendships... I need help but do not want it

[Strangefemme2000]

Hello

reading this post back it doesn’t make much sense. I guess I’d just like to start a conversation about my feelings I can’t seem to share in the real world. Its a self indulgent post.

i am reasonably new here, I have a thread in the relationships section. I have outlined some aspects of my loneliness. Although I have been attempting to think critically about my situation and why reaching out to ‘friends’ has been failing. My attempts to make plans and connect are often met with loose excuses or plans made that are not kept. The problem obviously lies with me.

A majority of these friends have been close to me in the past. While they were close to me they usually do something I perceive to be a betrayal or rejection when this usually isn’t the case, however, I’d become over whelmed with sadness and anger. My thoughts would go along the lines of I need this person away I’d like to make them feel guilt and anger and I’d like them to not come back. This would seem rational to me at the time. Hind sight is 20/20. I have more or less accepted this behaviour was damaging for everyone involved. I have apologised and admitted fault. Which people are often quite receptive to. I do not have any expectations on anyone to want to hang around with me as I’ve been quite a toxic person.

I’m finding it hard to heal living and spending most of my time alone. I’d also like to identify current personality traits that are abrasive to others but I have no opportunity to do so as I am constantly alone aside from work. I am a different person there, I keep arms length and I am polite and inoffensive so that space doesn’t really allow me to identify these things either. I’d say joining clubs or groups would likely have the same result, they’d only see pretend happy me which is a complete fabrication. A way of getting by. A way to treat people with the kindness they deserve.

I feel quite hopeless, I feel unable to change. I don’t think I’ve made much sense. I’ve spent most of the evening with tears in my eyes and I am now unable to sleep same as yesterday. I suppose I am just looking for any connection outside myself. If u made it this far well done, I am grateful even if I don’t receive a reply

[PamelaR]

Hello Strangefemme

Welcome to Beyond Blue (BB) Forums. Pleased to have you posting to our threads. As you may have already realised people provide supportive and caring responses to people's posts.

I can see that life seems overwhelming for you at the moment. I note in one of your other posts that your partner has returned home. So you are alone now making it even more difficult for you.

Friendships are hard. I know what you mean about abrasive personality. I think mine is! Over the years, I've learnt to moderate it. Part of the challenge for me was not having a good role model growing up as well as a lot of trauma. Dealing with all my issues has helped me to move on by really looking at the people I want as friends. I look at their behaviour, personality and skills. I select those that I think are what I'd like to be and try to model those aspects. I think it is working and I am growing a network of friends around me.

Also within friendships there are expectations - what you want, what they want. One of the biggest things is to be communicative and 'truthful'. Clarifying conversations is a good start to. I've had a recent experience of this while camping. I thought something my friend said was a 'rejection' of me. I got huffy, left the table and went to do something else. A week later (on the advice of my psychologist) I talked to my friend about what was said. It was a total misunderstanding. When I said 'let's do camping again', he heard 'she wants to go camping every week. Blast I have so many other things I want to do'. His response reflected what he thought he heard. All settled talked about it on Saturday and feeling so much better.

Friendships take time. They don't just happen. I'm absolutely sure you are not hopeless or unable to change. It takes practice and learning to trust others. All that takes time.

Do a google search for 'building friendships' to see what you find.

Kind regards

PamelaR