Need to get this all out

[sollicitus]

Hi everyone, I'm not really sure if I'm posting in the right place.

I'm female, 20. I have bottled up a lot of feelings for too long, and I really need to write them out before I go insane.

I hate myself. I know I have had social anxiety from a young age, though I feel like as I have grown older it has become worse. All throughout my life I haven't had many friends; I'm introverted, shy and get nervous around people. I have never dated anyone either. I both don't really know what to say to people because I'm afraid of saying something stupid and because my life is so boring and bare, I never know what to talk about. When I do talk to people, they don't show much interest in me or what I have to say and to be honest, I wouldn't blame them; I work a boring job, have hardly any hobbies and no talents. My self esteem is very low. I think I'm dumb and that I'm not good at anything.

The other thing is, I also suffer from post traumatic stress disorder from being diagnosed with leukaemia a few years ago. While it hasn't reappeared, I still have to live with the long term effects from treatment. I get sick easily, which prevents me from doing a lot of things, and I am always worried about my health. When I was stuck in hospital, other than my family and doctors, I had no one to talk to or to really support me. My friends and other relatives avoided me and it seemed like they didn't really care much about what I was going through. I understand that it is a sensitive topic that a lot of people don't really know how to talk about, but they could have at least tried. And now that I'm back home, they act like nothing ever happened and everything is all dandy when I see them, which is hardly ever because they are too busy with their relationships.

When I look at my life, there is nothing that's really valuable to me. I have never accomplished anything and I don't think I ever will because I have no aspirations and I never seem to feel motivated. I'm frustrated with myself and I wish I could be a better person, but I don't know how. I've tried putting myself out there more and thinking positively, but it just seems to end in disaster. I feel pathetic and useless and sick of pretending I'm fine when I'm actually not. I also feel bad because in comparison to what other people are going through, this is nothing.

This was probably a lot to read and take in, maybe too much, but I'm sorry I really needed to get it out. I'm just looking for some reassurance, I guess.

[Sleepless1987]

Hi Sollicitus,

I won't presume to have all the answers. Unfortunately life is hard, for some of us it's harder than others. Quite often people will try to avoid hard topics, quite often when people are forced to come to terms with their own mortality they have different reactions.

When you were sick, your family and friends probably didn't want to think of you possibly dying,this would also have made them question their own lives and they don't want to think that they will die at some point. You have had a different experience with facing mortality and have a different view. Have you seen it talked to a mental health professional, or a PTSD support group?

I personally don't think the dating is a major issue, unless you are wanting a relationship. But then I'm a 30 yr old virgin who's never dated, so I'm not really good for advice.

People can be selfish and only interested in themselves, and their own concerns.

All I can say is that you are important and valuable. These forums are excellent support. I honestly hope that you get the support you need.

Regards

Sleepless

[Strangefemme2000]

Hello

i will start by saying you are enough. You are a full multifaceted human being with a lot to offer.

Are you currently in treatment for your ptsd? If not I definitely suggest seeking ongoing professional care. You deserve to feel happiness and peace.

As for connecting with others you may find it helpful to volunteer; specifically with leukaemia patients. I understand This may not suit you As you are experiencing negative feelings and that is alright. However, I suggested it because you will be able to connect directly to people with similar experiences. In addition you Have overcome this illness And you have the experience to offer People the additional support you missed out on. I believe this could help with your self worth. As I said before I 100% believe you are a valuable person with a lot to offer. Putting your self out there is difficult but with the right support i believe you may find your feet. I hope you may realise your strength.

Please know that your thoughts and feelings are valid not stupid. I know how easy it can be to fall into a pattern of remaining in your comfort zone and not exploring new activities when you are feeling so low. Seeking out on going professional help that is well suited to you can provide you with the tools and encouragement you need to take small steps to finding things that bring you joy and purpose.

As for your relatives and friends they may have taken the easier road as I’m sure it would have been deeply sad for them to see you ill. You definitely deserved more support. I am so very sorry you didn’t. I hope you may work on letting go of this hurt so it may cease harming you further. Their actions were selfish and in no way is it a reflection on you.

I hope you may learn your worth, recognise how strong you are and always remember you matter.

Please keep on truckin’. I will be checking back to this thread in case you desire to speak further.

My warmest regards