First time on line, long time sufferer

[Lizbon]

I've been trying to cope with depression for as long as I can remember. It's triggered by multiple events in my life.

I have hidden it from people for so long, by coping in my ways. Unfortunately this time round I have hurt people I love the most.

My mood swings have been out of control. My husband has stepped in and is helping me to see the right people and is making sure I try medication. Problem is I have massive high and lows. I'm not clear headed and I don't feel like im in control any more. lol he calls it mid life crisis.

I did better in coping when people left me alone. and now I find myself smothered with family trying to help.

I can be happy one min, cry the next, be angry and do crazy things. I have alot of hate and love at the same time.

I don't sleep and can't turn off. I work crazy hours to occupy my mind. Music is my best friend.

I want this emptiness to stop. I want to stop looking for things to feel alive, I want to feel normal just for once.

So this is where my mind is ticking over... the big questions... What do I want?? What will make me happy. what can a do to change the rut I'm in. What is my future? Oh good morning everyone. 🙂 Nice to meet you and look forward to input from people that dont know me. I'm tired of people thinking that they do.

[geoff]

Hello Liz, it's lovely to see that you have found the site and then posted a comment, that takes courage to do this, but it's a friendly forum where there is no criticism.

I'd like to welcome and please remember that other people are probably still asleep but will soon reply as well.

We can't diagnose as we aren't qualified, however we can suggest from what we have had ourselves and from our own experience.

From what you have mentioned it may appear that you have bipolar, but this needs to be confirmed by your doctor and there are many people on the site that also have this illness, I'm so very sorry to say.

Your husband is helping you and yes there are times when family members want to help you, and that's what we encourage, but there can be point when you just want to left alone and not smothered.

I'm not sure whether your doctor has referred you onto a psychiatrist, but ask them about the 'mental health plan' this entitles you to 10 free visits.
Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hi Lizbon,

Welcome to the community here and Good Morning to you as well.

Mental health issues are difficult to deal with at times, for the person going through it and for those around them. Some people understand better than others, some try to understand and offer advice and have no idea really, but at least they are trying!

Sounds like trying to sort this out is all new to you even though depression has been a part of your life for a long time from what you have written.

I have found that telling my husband when I am having a bad time of it helps him to understand I am struggling and may need a little space.

As you mentioned mid life crisis, I am wondering if you have considered menopause as a contributing factor. Our darn hormones have a lot to answer for!

It can be a bit of a struggle finding what helps. It is good you have music as a way to help you through, we all need to find something that works.

You can certainly be yourself here. Welcome once again and cheers, from Dools

[Lizbon]

Good morning Geoff,

Thank you for the reply 🙂

It is great to have all the support, and I understand they are all looking out for me. But sometimes I wish they would stop asking me if I'm ok.

I found myself a few weeks ago, being a bit selfish and lapping up the kindness that I never had before. eg.. my husband has been making dinner, feeding me, making sure I have a glass of warm milk before I go to bed. It's been so incredibly nice of him and now I feel like I have been abusing the kindness. Silly really to say. I know he has found looking after me as a way for him to cope with going through my bad times.

The hardest thing for me was to go to the dr's to ask for help.

Years ago I was on anti depressants which didn't work out as good as I hoped so I stopped. I know the medication has improved over the years and the support is there now. But like an alcoholic, It's the hardest thing to do is to admit there is a problem.

To say it out loud is like giving up for me. Giving up on all I have convincingly told yourself that I am FINE and the coping tools I have built up are not working. Telling yourself that everything I've done is now not good enough anymore.

Needing to develop now skills to manage is difficult.

[Doolhof]

Hi Lizbon,

Maybe you need to tell yourself now that the everything you have done in the past was the very best you could do at that time with the skills and knowledge you had then.

Now you have a different understanding of what is happening for you, so you have the opportunity to learn new skills and different ways of coping.

As you have managed to come this far, you have been doing something beneficial. Now you can expand on all that you have learnt and done in the past!

Regarding your husband helping you, accept it and appreciate it. For him it may be the only way he knows how to help you right now. Appreciate the pampering!

Cheers from Dools

[Gardenlady]

Hi Lizbon,

It sounds like you are going through a lot right now and it is very confronting for you. I hope you are finding some relief with the skills you are learning.

Realising you do need outside help and that you may not be “fine” (like we tell ourselves) can be upsetting. It can also get worse before it gets better. This is how I have found it this time around.

All the best,

GardenLady

[Tams20]

Hi Lizbon,

Your post sounds very similar to where I was a few months ago - I could have written the same words myself. I had ‘coped’ my whole life but suddenly my coping strategies weren’t working any more. I went to the GP for what I thought was anxiety and depression and she put me on antidepressants. All good for a few weeks then my depression started to get much worse and I started to feel (and do) some strange and self-destructive things. I was in real danger of losing my friends and my husband, not to mention damaging my relationship with my kids.

I eventually made an appointment to go back to see my doctor. I’m not good at talking about how I feel, so before I went I wrote down a list of what I had been feeling and the things that had been happening. We went through the list and she referred me to a psychiatrist for an assessment for bipolar. I saw the psychiatrist last week and we went through the list again - she confirmed that I have Bipolar II and has changed my medication to suit.

Turns out that the ADs were making my condition worse - if you do have bipolar this may explain why your previous experience with ADs wasn’t successful.

I feel much better for knowing my condition and having a plan to treat it. I’d always known I was a bit ‘different’ - now and know why! 😊

Tams

[Lizbon]

Thank you Dools,

It's been a bit of a wake up call for me. since Christmas.

I appreciate the posts, I've read them a few time.

It's hard to understand what is going on still. I have been punishing myself (not physically) mentally for so long that its hard to think that i deserve to be happy. It's easy to shift blame other people for the way I feel.

I keep catching myself saying, if only he was this nice to me before...but really I never let him be nice to me before. I have massive issues with my partner.. lol but I think they are all in my head.

[Lizbon]

Good morning Garden Lady,

Thank you,

Things will get worse... That's what I'm waiting for. I need to open up and let the people I love in my life know that's I'm not the same anymore. 🙂

[Lizbon]

Good morning Tams,
Thank you for the post.
It's been very hard to cope everyday. I fine myself questioning everything I do.
The worst thing is I'm now labeled the crazy Lady!
Where before I hide it so well, that I was just a normal person.
People say these magic words.. It's not her fault she was "depressed" and I didn't know what I was doing...
I know that I was doing things to feel alive. I know that I was having massive highs and lows. I just didn't show anyone. seen but not heard... Smile but be unhappy. Laugh without knowing why. cry because I'm happy.

I'm trying to stay positive now. and trying to find the right Dr to treat me. I've seen a few now and I find myself just telling them what they want to hear. I don't know why I do it. I've lied for so many years I can't be open to anyone. My husband has also turned around and said quit a few time, I don't know who you are. But the bad thing is he has realized that i know him better than he thought. I play with peoples heads. Give them what they want to hear and I change my personality to suit every occasion. I scare myself with how good I'm at manipulating situations, I'm great at been the chameleon.