Feel like my battle is lost

[One_step_at_a_time]

I've been suffering severe clinical depression for 12 years now. For the last four years I have also had Bipolar. I think I have come to the realisation that my battle is lost and this is going to be what I will be like for the rest of my life. I have family that are old school and have never believed or taken on board my battle despite hospitalisations etc. The few friends I have left skirt around the issue despite my attempts to try and explain my unreliability and social anxieties. I haven't worked for the last 12 years though I have managed to do complete some study (three attempts). I have a support agency but I have endured long waits for help and lack of support for "middle aged" single parents. I have suffered the loss of three friends and my only sibling all within the last five years. I have a myriad of other health issues and no self esteem or self confidence due to being overweight from years of Meds. Despite all this there a couple of things to be grateful for but I just dont care anymore, I feel like, well why should I care when no one cares about me. I am in a particularly bad period of depression at the moment maybe it's yet another medication change result maybe not. Is this all that is left?

[JessF]

Hello One step at a time, welcome here. I like the name you have chosen, it shows your strength and wisdom in how to deal with everything life has been throwing at you for years. Despite how exhausted you are, you know how to keep moving forward even at the worst of times. Those that haven't been able to stick with you on this joruney, well, it actually shows their lack of strength rather than a weakness on your part. I know that doesn't make the hurt of losing friends any easier, but maybe it might change perspective a little.

Can I ask, you mention the couple of things you are grateful for, would you like to tell us what they are? I hear your frustration at not feeling that anyone cares about you. There are loads of caring people here. I hope knowing that might give you a little spark of reason to care for yourself as well.

[plodalong]

Thanks for the post one step. Wow, you sound really overwhelmed at the moment. I know the feeling 🙂 I'm sorry to hear you are in a bad period of depression at the moment. Is there an area that interests you out there? Would you think about doing some volunteer work somewhere? This might build your confidence, and you might enjoy it? Just think on it for a bit maybe. I think another good suggestion is lots of self care. Are you happy with your GP and mental health professionals? Are you getting help for the bout of depression you are experiencing? Please do. I know its hard. yes I like your user name too. One step at a time. baby steps. I just keep asking myself..what can I do with today..what can I do to help myself today. Sometimes it all goes pear-shaped. Sometimes its doing exercise, going on beyond blue! getting some more sleep!!! easing up on the caffeine, listening to music, talking to friends. Then some days you feel stronger to tackle the other things like work, study, finances...sigh. I hope that helps one step. Please keep taking the time to take one step at a time..bye. Take care.

[One_step_at_a_time]

Hi, I've been sitting here trying to think of what those things are I am grateful for and love of family and my animals and garden seem to be my saving grace at the moment. I just cant see any light at the end of the tunnel at the moment and I've been in this tunnel for such a long time now. I keep sleeping all day and all night hoping that when I wake up the severe depression will have lifted slightly.

[JessF]

Hello One step, thank you for posting back. I've been there with staying in bed, it can feel comforting to hide from the world, but our bodies are a bit counterintuitive with these sorts of things. The more you stay in bed, the more you will feel depressed. It takes time to build a house, and it's best to start with the foundations. For where you are at the moment, I would be thinking about trying to re-establish some routines; set yourself a time for getting out of bed in the morning, and when you get up, make the bed and leave your bedroom. Set yourself some small goals for the day, it could be gardening for twenty minutes or half an hour to take the dog for a walk or play with thecat. You may need to write these down on a to-do list and tick them off. See if you can set yourself a simple routine with just a few things and see how you feel after doing this for a week. The depression will not disappear overnight but it will begin to lift. Do you think this sounds like something you could try?