Desperate to feel normal again

Beatit · ‎06-07-2019

My first post. Have been suffering anxiety and insomnia for years. Try to do all the right things. Had been on medication for about 7 years which helped a lot. Came off around Oct last year because I thought I was doing well but declining gradually back to a stressful state. I have removed some stressors in my life to help, I exercise, eat well, little alcohol and caffeine, have a supportive husband, although his snoring doesnt help the sleeplessness. Kids doing well. Elderly mother whose health is failing but good family network is helping so I don't take a lot of burden there. Can't figure out why I'm like this. Life is good except this illness. Am getting help from a few sources, and I read a lot of self help stuff. This forum looks awesome. I was on one when had marriage issues years ago and it was an amazing support to me. I reach out whenever I can. So i just don't get it. What's wrong with me?

PamelaR · ‎07-07-2019

Hi Beatit and welcome to our forums

Thank you for sharing your story. Not sure what's going on for you but I do think it's great you've found your way here. From everything you've said you are leading a very healthy lifestyle, e.g. removing stressors from your life, exercising, eating well, consuming little alcohol and caffeine.

What I find even more amazing is all the other things you're doing - helping your mum, getting help from others, and reading 'stuff'. That is awesome Beatit!

You are doing so well! Though I do understand that anxiety and insomnia are troublesome. I can relate to this feeling. Like you I've being doing all the things you are (above), but these two things are often present with me. Frequently I find these are related to things that I am fearful about (be it real or not). Is there anything happening that you think could make you feel fearful? No pressure to answer unless you want to Beatit.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Beatit · ‎12-07-2019

Hi Pamela,

Thanks for your kind words. I don't think I am really fearful of anything. I think I am very sensitive and just probably over-think everything. I get very upset if I don't feel I am treated with as much thoughtfulness and respect that I believe I treat others with. Some people can brush off that stuff fairly easily, but I hold on to it far too much. Its like a cat chasing its tail, I get teary about almost nothing, and so almost always feel sad these days. One thing that helps me a lot is to reach out and ask how others are going. Then I realise that there are people worse off, and it does makes me feel better that I can think about others even though I am often very sad and nervous myself. I hope you are doing well. I would like to hear your ideas as to how you deal with your anxiety.

White_Rose · ‎12-07-2019

Dear Beatit

Welcome to the forum. So pleased you found us. This is a safe place to chat about what bothers you.

The human state in general is a complicated body with small things having a disproportionate effect. I can relate to feeling upset if I am treated thoughtlessly and without respect. As you say, others seem to brush that off while people like us hold on to it. I think I am getting better at looking at it and then moving on but it has taken a long while.

I wonder if there is something else going on here. When did you last see your GP? It may be useful to have a chat soon with him/her and talk about how you feel. I see you know other people are worse off than you but you feel better because you can still think about others. It doesn't really work that way. While it's true others may have more to deal with than you it does not make your particular load any lighter.

At times I suspect the knowledge that others are in a pickle can make us push down or hide our difficulties because we perceive them as not so bad. It seems selfish in some ways to get help when others also need help. The reality is that not taking care of yourself because others do not receive enough care will not help the other person. It will however help you and you are the person who must care for yourself.

It may be you will go back to your medication though it's understandable that you would prefer not to do this. I know I am not keen on sleeping pills and avoid them. I am actually not keen on any meds but unfortunately I have several medical conditions that require treatment which is mainly pills.

I wonder if you are a little depressed. Reading self help stuff can be useful but it should be targeted towards what is happening in your life. If you don't know what's wrong you can be trying all sorts of things that have no effect because it's the wrong problem. Telling yourself to get your act together etc or similar comments may be good in some circumstances but not helpful if the problem lies elsewhere.

So I suggest you have a chat to your GP. Take a copy of your posts, or this whole thread, and show the doctor. It's useful as a conversation starter and the doctor has some idea what's going on. While exercise, good food and removing stressors is good it's not always the whole answer. You get teary about nothing, though I feel it is something even if you cannot identify what. Feeling sad is another indicator of something going on. Love to know how you go.

Mary

Beatit · ‎16-07-2019

Hi White Rose,

Thankyou for your reply. I understand I have to speak with my GP and he is always willing to offer counselling and medication options. I haven't found counselling particularly helpful, as the last time the counsellor, as nice as she was, used to yawn in the middle of the consult, I used to get a little annoyed and therefore felt it a waste of taxpayer money to keep going. Maybe there is someone else for me who might be more suitable. I still prefer not to go onto medication if I can avoid it, as I was on it for many years. I know that is an option for me if all else fails. I am feeling quite good this last week or so, as I have been busy with more work hours and this has really helped to take my mind off silly things. Hope you are doing well.

White_Rose · ‎16-07-2019

Hello Beatit

Good to know you have been feeling better this past week. It's cheering when we can find a way to manage our particular difficulties or at least make a start.

A couple of comments. Nothing is silly in life. If you are caught up in a thought or action it's because that thought or action has some meaning for you. It may be good or bad or anywhere in between but it is part of you. I agree that being busy can help to get out of a way of thinking. And as a reward we can feel good about accomplishing something else.

I used to see a psychiatrist who frequently fell asleep when I was talking. At first I thought he was unwell and got concerned but when I mentioned it to his secretary she said "Oh no, not again. I'll speak to his wife". It seems this was a frequent occurrence. I was quite annoyed as I was paying him to sleep. I told him eventually how it made me feel, ignored, worthless, of no interest, just a way for him to get a living.

I also told him if he did it again I would leave and not return. It cost me a lot financially to see him and his habit of being late even for his first appointment in the morning which was with me, caused me all sorts of difficulty going to work. In all it was a difficult period made worse because I was so unwell I saw him twice a week.

So I agree with you about your counsellor. At the very least it's rude and more importantly makes you feel worthless. I'm not surprised you found counselling unhelpful. Did you mention this to your GP? If you decide to try again I think he should know and make sure he refers you to someone more professional and helpful. Talk to him about going on a mental health plan and seeing a psychologist. I gather your GP has ruled out physical causes of your sleeplessness which is a good start.

There is a great deal written about Mindfulness and the ability to be where we are rather than thinking about where we are going, and making each moment an essential part of your life. I receive an email regularly from someone who runs a philosophy class in the UK. I had one this morning where the person was talking about being in the moment. I would like to quote a huge chunk but you can breathe again, I will just use a couple of lines.

Rise to the occasion at the time the occasion rises. Don't dismiss anything as mundane.

I hope you continue to feel well and thank you for your good wishes.

Mary

Guest_2496 · ‎16-07-2019

Ah Beatit I saw a psychologist recently who was somewhat helpful but she used to yawn too! That and a couple of other things put me off and I’m back to doing it on my own.

Hope things are looking a bit better now?

Rabbit33 · ‎16-07-2019

Hi Beatit,

Thank you for reaching out. I just wanted to say that there is nothing wrong with you. Everyone is unique and as individuals, we grow, we develop, we learn and we drift in and out of peoples lives. And vise verser, people come in and out of our lives.
You post says 'desperate to feel normal again'. Can I ask you this. What is normal?
Sometimes we spend a lot of time reliving the past in our heads instead of trying to live in the here and now and for what the future holds.
I understand you mentioned you have anxiety and insomnia. It's great that you have reached out to get support with that and put action towards it.
Anxiety and insomnia are tricky ones. Sometimes medication helps but usually is best worked on with medication and therapy together. Anxiety is so unpredictable and sporadic and affects us all different that sometimes therapy and slowly taking baby steps to push the boundaries where you anxiety triggers is more beneficial to us, especially long term.

I'm not a medical professional but have anxiety myself and have done some studying in the field. however, please seek professional medical opinions for treatment options. My statement was more of a reassurance to you that this is normal and there are other services and options out there to support you with it.

Continue with the awesome work! Sounds like you have a lot of support and aiming in the right direction. Sometimes the path is a little longer than what we hoped for but things always get better.
Remember to have faith in yourself and to give yourself more credit. Celebrate the really small victories as well.

Sending you good vibes and happy energy! 🙂

Beatit · ‎17-07-2019

Hi Annie thanks for commenting on my thread. I found myself feeling rather small and inconsequential at the time, and have never mentioned the yawning to anyone except here. It was a number of years ago but I've never forgotten. It was an action that made me feel worthless. Must move on, now I've verbalised it, so to speak.

Beatit · ‎17-07-2019

Lovely words from you all, which I will hold close. I read a lot about mindfulness and cbt and try to put into practice whenever i can. Am hoping the insomnia and physical agitation will settle once I get my head in the right space and turning my thinking around becomes my new normal.