A need to get it off my chest!

Lauren71 · ‎11-08-2019

I am new to this forum and would like to thank you for taking the time to read my post. A little bit about myself... I am a married mum of 2 (aged 21 and 14) and I work full time teaching year 4. From here I don’t know where to go as this is my life, I guess like all working mums. I can describe how I feel though...like a big ant hill, you know with what looks everything is ok on the outside but inside there are voids and parts collapsed and at any moment I can be destroyed from passer by’s. I cry at the drop of a hat but so no one sees. I imagine myself running away and falling off a cliff but it is a peaceful fall. I love my family but I don’t feel valued other than to meet their needs and keep them happy. I work hard in my job, working up to 70 hours a week. My class consists of 21 students of 34 (2 teachers and one aide) who have varying degrees of problems ranging from ASD to PTSD. I get sworn at, punched and still have to meet the demands of the curriculum. I am the Science Week coordinator who has not had any help this year. Now to my home life. My kids don’t help me out around the house, leaving their mess for someone else to pick up and argue back when I ask. My son is very demanding, makes it hard for me to get to work on time and won’t go to bed early. I struggle with getting enough sleep due to this...I know I need to be tougher! My problem there is that when I try, my husband steps in very aggressively calling them names giving them the finger etc...so from one battle to the next! My husband was diagnosed with depression but honestly I think he is bipolar but that’s a whole other story. I really don’t feel like they care what happens to me only what I can do for them. I spent every night and all weekend making resources for work and left them to dry in the garage and my husband put a bag of his stuff on top, which I then had to fix. He works but inconsistently and if he is at home he does his thing like going to the gym or his photography. I do leave lists of to dos as if he gets bored he questions me and although I haven’t done anything wrong, I feel guilty, so I work harder to keep him happy. I would love to talk to him but he gets angry because he doesn’t know how to cope with me being sad, so I need to hide it! Life really sucks at the moment and I can’t seem to dig my way out. Gees for someone who didn’t know where to go from who I am, I think I did ok! Sorry if this is tedious but I am stuck and have a mixture of anger and sadness!

smallwolf · ‎11-08-2019

Hi Lauren71,

welcome to beyond blue.

My only real knowledge of teaching are the snippets of conversations I hear from my wife, or from sister-in-law or mother - all of them teachers, and one retired, and the wife found it quite stressful. Yet everything you said I would have heard in one form or another. My sister-is-law works at a high school and a year level coordinator, and so like you is also working the weekends. It sounds like a rather thankless task given what you are expected to do and put up with.

On top of the demands of teaching you also have issues at home to contend with as well. There is a lot that you are dealing with, so if you felt overwhelmed by it all, I would understand.

So.... what can you do?

Some things are easier said than done!

I wonder if every day is the same for you, feeling under appreciated, or not respected? Are there moments when things have worked out for you? If so, could those moments be repeated?

Kids learn from their parents, so if they are copying their father...? Are there times when they are behaved? If not, what is the worst that could happen to them?

In everything you have said, there is a solution, but it will take time and patience. Also remember that you are only human and doing the best that you can, and that is all anyone can ask for. Be kind to yourself. Finally, talk to someone if it would help you, even if professionally. Here though, I am listening to you.

Tim

white knight · ‎11-08-2019

Hi Lauren, welcome

So, you are feeling overwhelmed with your teaching work which overflows to after hours. You don't have a homelife whereby you feel appreciate and your husband seems preoccupied with hobbies and you have to ask him to help you with chores rather than him being supportive and proactive. I hope I got all that right.

I think there is a lot said that can be overcome if you chip away at it. In a few short months all will be much better, it might be all in the approach and seeking assistance. My daughter is a teacher by profession however she has been medically retired due to PTSD and depression. It isn't the job it used to be sadly but it is what it is now.

Here is my thoughts-

Visit your finances, consider, if possible semi retiring from full time work and do part time
Have a meeting with all four of you to discuss responsibilities and how you need them to step up to do some chores without being reminded. Set down specific areas for your husband to do without any input from you.
Focus on your eldest and his future plans of an independent life, encouragement of same.
Set aside an area in your home or shed whereby it is YOUR hobby/work area that will not be disturbed.
Consider that you could do with a mental health assessment yourself. Chat with your GP
Breaks- short holidays even overnight.
As Tim mentioned be kind to yourself which can include being a little selfish. Meet up with friends

You haven't mentioned hobbies/sports/interests. It could be an area much lacking. A passion is a distraction and something to look forward to. Your husband has his photography, if there is an interest that you could embrace it might be a way of connecting both his interest and yours? Eg you might like gardening and both attend a flower show where you could ask him to take pics?

The following threads might help. Just read the first post please.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/pampering-yourself

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/a-good-nights-deep-sleep---sleep-apnea-and-cpap

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/advice-please-my-bucket-gets-full

Finally- counseling. If you attended, it would be to cope with how your life is ATM. If your husband wont attend then go alone but the purpose extends to also learning to cope with his illness and the household dynamic. If he asks you how the session went tell him he is welcome to attend.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK