Depression has hit heavy and hard

[brizb93]

Hello everyone,

I'm struggling quite a bit, so I have decided to join so I can hopefully get some help during these trying times. Here's a bit of background information:

I have always suffered on and off with depression since I was quite young (I was a victim of parental abuse for almost a decade and believe I have PTSD from it). For the past year, I had a great full-time job, living with my partner of a few years, and enjoying spending time with my family. All of a sudden, after my contract ran out at my old job and I had to go into part-time work (in the same industry, but with half the hours), I have completely sunk to rock bottom. The intense wave of depression hit over a week ago and it has shifted my entire worldview and self-confidence, all of a sudden I am questioning my relationship, feeling worthless, and anxious about not being able to have kids and a family (I'm in my mid-twenties and most of my siblings have stable relationships with babies). I have told my partner about this, and she is devastated by this as it came from nowhere, and is having difficulties coping with my mental health and sudden doubts about our relationship. I feel completely horrible about this, and have even booked myself in to see a local therapist because the pain is getting so bad.

I have a history of not loving myself, which makes me jump from one thing to the next, hoping to find something that makes me happy (only to discover once I have it that it was only temporary happiness). I'm hoping therapy will help, but I don't want to end up alone, I want a family but feel like I am too damaged, and by the time I fix myself it will be too late for me.

Sorry if this is a convoluted post, my mind isn't coping well at the moment

[Tay100]

Hi brizb93

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear that you are having a challenging time- posting here can be a great first step in addressing things. Please know that you aren't alone, and you are more than your situation right now.

I see you feeling low and overwhelmed- do you have a support network around you? Some consolation and fresh perspective might bring some relief for you. We, of course, can always provide a listening here if you want to chat more in-depth here, and/or help you build on the support network you have, whether that be helping reach out to the people around you or seeking professional help. It's great that you booked a psychologist- hope that brings some guidance to you.
Please be gentle with yourself, and self-care as much you need too, whatever that means to you. Check back with us if you want too- no pressure either way.

Sending kindness,
Tay100

[quirkywords]

Welcome briz to the forums and well done for reaching out by starting your own thread.

You have certainly a lot to cope with on top of the changes in our society.

t can be so surprising when you are doing so well and then suddenly you are overcome with self doubt and feeling worthless. Depression is such a cruel illness.

the post is written clearly and I can feel the pain and confusion you are thinking. You are worried about so many things at once and it seems like a burden.

I hope therapy will help you too and maybe that will help you work on one issue at a time.

I can relate to not liking myself and jumping from one thing to the next,

There is a thread Do you like your self ,

that you can find my typing into the search engine at right top of page.

Also if you feel you need to talk to someone you can call

Beyond Blue support line 1300 22 4636 it offers support advice action

Feel free to post here as much as you like and welcome again.

have found it helped me as others there feeling he same and it is a place to share ideas.

[ecomama]

Hi brizb93

Not a convoluted post at all! Just wait till you read mine!

I can see you are struggling atm but you've done a great thing booking in with a therapist. It's wonderful that you are reaching out for help, congratulations on that achievement.

I could have written an almost identical post in my twenties, so you are definitely not alone with some of your experiences. From my own experience the recovery from childhood abuse can be a long road but I truly believe we can use these experiences to better ourselves moving forward. I am very sorry that you experienced abuse.

Now that you have more time (less hours at work) it is completely understandable that memories of your past are coming up. I'll be honest by saying, even though it feels like a really bad thing right now, it is a very insightful thing for you to be reflecting upon that time and reaching out for help. No better time than the present 🙂

I also felt that I could not have children because of the childhood abuse and ended my relationship at the time for that reason but many others too. I really wanted to feel that I COULD have children though, so I put myself through a lot of anguish. I felt that I was too damaged but back in those days it was totally forbidden to speak of anything by my family and never socially acceptable to talk to anyone else about stuff like that. 'Abuse' as a word was barely ever used.

Now it's different, thank God.

From way on the other side I believe that people who reflect upon their own childhoods and work through their feelings about it can make the most BRILLIANT parents. No one is perfect. You don't have to set a standard of perfection in yourself before you become a parent. Compassion and empathy are great assets to a parent. Tbh you don't even have to deal with that right now.

Now is a time for you. It's okay not to feel okay 100% of the time,

Btw I have lots of children now and miraculously they are all doing really well. I think because I didn't do 'enough' supported recovery work back then, I fell into bad relationships which caused more harm. I did seek therapy but from all outsiders looking in, and maybe comparing me with others, I appeared to be doing fine. Clearly inside I was not.

Yours in recovery.

EM

[hob2]

by the time I fix myself it will be too late for me.."

1 thing on yur side; U have Time to fix this, so dont giv up !