Being gaslighted and other general work problems having a negative effect

[Canary_Yellow]

Hi All

Thanks for having me online.

I am single and live alone and have been like this for quite a long time. Being isolated is actually okay with me as I am a bit of an introvert and have many creative pursuits that can keep my mind occupied and curious for a fair amount of time. I'm generally an anxious person (because of experiences in my life) but I am finding my anxiety levels going through the roof over the last couple of weeks. The last day or two I feel like it has started turning into depression, I lack motivation, am tired, have cried a bit and am not interested too much in eating. It doesn't have to do with the isolation, it's actually my work situation. Working from home isn't a big deal. I have done it before, a lot. It has to do with one of my managers. He has been making me uncomfortable for months. He is a psychological manipulator and tries to turn things back onto me so I think I am in the wrong, when I actually haven't done anything. Recently, his behaviour has gotten much worse. He asks me to set up meetings with senior staff and then basically throws me under the bus in front of them to cover up his incompetence. It's humiliating. He put me on a project and when we had the client workshop he didn't introduce or acknowledge me the whole session, but he introduced the rest of our team. When I pulled him up on it later he acted like nothing happened. When my team is working on something he comes to me individually online and asks me to do something behind their backs. I tell him I need to let the group know and he says no - which then puts me in a situation that makes me look dishonest to the team. All these incidents go on. Like holding up 1 page of work for 6 weeks so I can't move forward with my work. He throws me into meetings when I don't know why I am there. He even put my name on a document as the author of it, it had been written by him and it wasn't accurate. I know I am not alone because another person has problems too, but I feel like I am going to have a breakdown. I literally feel like I can't cope and feel sick every time I have to deal with him or a situation associated with him. It's easy for him to hide behind his computer at home where no one can see him. I am in a position of not knowing who I can trust in the business - as I am constantly humiliated, feel used and I was fairly new before lockdown.

Thanks for listening.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Canary Yellow,

Welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage. We're sorry to hear that you're going through this at work. We understand that this would be causing you high stress and axiety. We're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will be able to offer you words of advice.

Beyond Blue recognises that workplace bullying is a serious issue which affects mental health. You might be interested in the following resource created for employees who are being bullied, "Bullying information for employess" -
https://www.headsup.org.au/your-mental-health/bullying-information-for-employees

We would also recommend that you get in contact with our friendly counsellors at the Support Service, available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.
 

[Doolhof]

Hi Canary Yellow,

Welcome to the community. Sorry to read yo are struggling with one of your managers.

Is it possible to speak with another manager about this? Does the work pace have a Human Resources officer or someone you can discuss these issues with?

It may help to document what is happening so you have something to check with if you need to explain a situation later on.

Sophie_m has offered some suggestions, hope you are able to look into those ideas.

Hopefully you can stay connected with your creative interests and find ways to reduce your anxiety.

Others may have suggestions on how to deal with the manager more effectively and how to look after yourself in all of this.

Regards from Dools

[Canary_Yellow]

Thanks Sophie_M and Doolhof for your response.

I did talk to my direct manager this morning (the other manager is above her), but my level of trust is very low as I have talked to her in the past about an issue and asked her not to talk about it with that person and then she did and the individual came to me angry. I have had problems with bullying my whole life as I am fairly petite, blonde, blue eyed, fair skinned and fairly passive. So ripe for people to think they can try to control me. I have had bullying from a sibling most of my life and suffered extreme PTSD because of this. I had to distance myself from her to try to heal. I have had DV psychological and financial abuse, and been bullied in several jobs, including almost being physically assaulted by a 6 ft 8 ex-rugby player manager because I wouldn't agree with him. I have had to have people in front of HR for bullying, and gave up a managerial role as I was dealing with a lot of bullies and employees coming to me for help. I even went to Fairwork once and they told me just to leave and not to bother taking the bully to court as it was a horrible process for the employee. My experiences with this have not been pleasant and I have noticed the little guy almost never wins. Both fighting and putting up with it are both psychologically damaging. I am so exhausted with having to fight that I almost feel like I can't do it anymore.

I am trying some meditation before I go to bed and try to break the rumination and I have found writing on here a bit cathartic so I will be trying a few other things, like trying to break my lack of motivation. But I do know that even though we try hard to improve a situation it is ultimately the offender recognising and wanting to change their behaviour, which often doesn't eventuate because they can't see it in themselves. So there is only so much I can do before walking away. So right now I am feeling trapped because I can't really leave my job, but I don't want to get tied up in the game playing, and people hiding behind computers doesn't help.

I feel like a complainer and I wouldn't call myself a victim. Everyday I tell myself something I am grateful for, but it is the suffocation I can't handle. An employee once said I was the kindest manager she'd ever had, and maybe I expect that from others too much.

Thanks again for listening and responding.

[Doolhof]

Hi Canary Yellow,

It certainly sounds like you have had to cope with and endure a lot of unwanted and unnecessary bullying and abuse. Do you feel that due to your physical size, people take more of an advantage of you and it is harder for you to stand up for yourself?

It is a shame that bullying is not controlled more,that people are not disciplined for it and seem to get away with it.

It is hard to stand up for yourself when the system is not in place to support you.

I understand how difficult it is when you take an issue to a person in confidence only to have them mention it to the other person and then you are confronted once again by the person causing the issue in the first place.

It sounds like you are working hard on trying to find ways to deal with what is happening.

One person once said they kept asking the person who was bullying them what they did when they got home from work, how did they spent their weekend, what movies did they like and so on. After time the bully changed.

This certainly may not be a solution in your circumstances.

Some people seem to enjoy the sense of having power over others.

A friend's child was being bullied at school. She stood up to the bullies and asked them if they had finished as she had better things to do than listen to them. She didn't allow them the power of knowing their words hurt her.

No one likes to feel bullied and abused. Hope you find ways to feel better within yourself.

Regards from Dools

[Canary_Yellow]

Thanks Doolhof.

I do actually feel a bit better as I had a longer than normal long week end and went out to the country to visit my parents. I did feel sick this morning having to go back to work and face it all again. I have done a bit of self reflection and think that I just have PTSD every time I have to deal with difficult people at work and just want to run. I have tried CBT before but I find it doesn't work if you actually have evidence that something is going on (and it isn't all in my head). So I think I will reach out to a therapist and see how I can work through it a bit better. Thanks for all your help!

[hob2]

u prob right about u Xpect same from others..

mean time record all u can, eventually those kind of ppl slip up !