Dark days; Trying alternatives led me here. (An introduction of sorts)

[Helarctus]

Hello.

It has taken about three hours from when I looked at the page to get to this point and actually putting text into a screen. Worried about rambling, inadvertent breach of rules or creating a drama sink hole. My anxiety is biting at my self-esteem like fingernails already too short and it is driving me into analysis paralysis of every word, comma, space.

Logic half of brain says, "Do it, finish the write up, this will help." But the rest of me wants to curl up and fade, but there are things to do. Must be done and the thread is one of them. It feels as I am wasting resources, better spent elsewhere, as the feeling threatens to swell and wash over.

I distract myself with humour, an intricate illusionist or at least perhaps, I am to myself.

So hello, hope you are well, I am here to see how things go.

[Croix]

Dear Helarctus/Sun bear~

It is good to hear from you and you do not sound quite as self-disparaging as before.

"Functions are maintained, dependents needs are met, This will have to be enough."

UM

I can't say I'm sure about that last bit. OK it is a status quo, and as such bearable (sorry) however I also read

"I can see where affections may have be desired but have no desire to act
upon them falsely, nor to attempt and fail horribly at pretending they
exist."

Of course, feigning affection helps none. The bit I question is self-knowledge. You are sure no affection exists on your part. Maybe true, but then again...

I remember when my PSTD, depression and anxiety was at its worst. I did not know myself. It was like I was standing on one side of a pane of darkened glass watching an alien, whose actions seemed incomprehensible.

I did not know I loved my family, or even that love was something I was capable of. I'd not tell them I loved them becuse at the time that love was buried so far down as to be invisible.

Later as I improved that love resurfaced and is there today.

I'm trying to say it is not always possible to be certain of oneself, even if convinced.

I've no idea if that makes any sense to you, I hope so

Croix

[Helarctus]

Hello Croix,

It seems we have both stood in the same room at times, I will try to remember to bring a bag of jelly-babies to leave for you.

Certainty is a problem, what feels certain, changes. Such that I question if the affections were real to begin with or just an aspect of my state at the time.

Then I know things fluctuate so I choose facts, touch stones and anchor points. Measure from those to where I am to acquire a degree of certainty. My relative position so that I can determine if I need to paddle faster or slower, however it seems those points also shift and so, I am lost.

Fumbling about amongst the weeds and finding nothing as I attempt to be who I thought I might have been when I could think about feeling and not cry.

I ramble still

[Croix]

Dear Helarctus/Sun bear~

Well, if you are gong to leave me a bag if virtual jelly babies I guess I'll loan you my virtual box of tissues to make that crying seem more in proportion.

I get the impression due to a rational and logical mind, together with a desire to really know how things are you try too hard. When everything is elastic, changeable and unreliable such efforts simply add to the gloom and sense of being lost.

It came right for me, and not due to any of my efforts at understanding, but though the lessening of my condition.

If this was the 60's I'd say the lyrics of "Windmills of your mind" would be a good description, dunno if people remember that song. I've often felt like that in the past, everything circular and powered by the mind's pain and desire.

Croix

[Helarctus]

Circles are nice, the beginning is the end and they float like bubbles on the breeze.

Today is not a good day, for many reasons. All of which pale in the face of others own issues, mine are all inside my head.

[Croix]

Dear Helarctus/Sun bear~

The internet ate my reply -sigh, so this is a duplicate (more or less):-

Circles are nice, the beginning is the end and they float like bubbles on the breeze.

I really like that concept, I can ponder on it and drift a little, a balm

Bad days should not be minimized or endured with resignation as you are doing

This is because I must take exception to:

All of which pale in the face of others own issues, mine are all inside my head.

The reason everyone is here is due to mental health conditions -and these are all in the head! Your tribulations are as important as anyone's, please do not see yourself as less than you are

Croix

PS now I suppose the internet might change its mind and you will have two posts the same in a row 😞

[Helarctus]

Unintended double replies are just the internet giving you a chance to rebut yourself.

The house is empty for the first time in months and the silence is deafening. Resorting to random music lists to drown myself out of the noise in my head. Not really trusting in my own hand to pick music that wont exacerbate or antagonise myself.

[Croix]

Dear Helarctus/Sun bear~

I realy do like some of your witticisms, I get enough rebuttals in life without providing more myself:)

Now I'm interested, one of the things I learn from and enjoy here is finding out what music others find useful, enjoy, or conversely do not like at all. My taste has expended enormously as a result

Can you give me some idea of any in any of those categories?

To lead the way you already know one I like, another is Via con me sung by Paolo Conte , and in a dark mood Paint it Black by the Stones.

Croix

[Helarctus]

Prime examples of things for me to avoid as much as I enjoy them because their music pushes buttons;

Chris Cornell/Soundgarden, Linkin Park, Tool, Slipknot, Johnny Cash, Shakespeares' Sister, Deep Purple, Pink Floyd, Dr. Hook, Paul Simon, Nelly Furtado, Ani DiFranco, Die Antwoord, Counting Crows and the Prodigy.

Paint it black reverberates well with a dark mood. I can pull a landslide onto myself with music, much as I enjoy it.

[Croix]

Dear Helarctus/Sun bear~

I guess from some of the things with which you regard yourself there may indeed be buttons you do not want to press, and at least for me music invokes memories, which may have the same effect, though not as pronounced, with many of the buttons producing well being and happy or fond remembrances.

For me music tends to follow mood, not the other way around.

Your list of artists you do not wish to hear is impressive and covers a wide genre of basically English speaking music.

I find interest in some continental music and such might not have the same triggers for you.

If you want something really outside the box I suggest you research the only Japaneze vocal in the original Blade Runner fim and the medieval battle it portrays

Croix

Ensemble Nipponia 03 - Ogi no mato

AU








Soloists Of The Ensemble Nipponia ‎– Japan (Traditional Vocal & Instrumental Music)