Dark days; Trying alternatives led me here. (An introduction of sorts)

[Helarctus]

Hello.

It has taken about three hours from when I looked at the page to get to this point and actually putting text into a screen. Worried about rambling, inadvertent breach of rules or creating a drama sink hole. My anxiety is biting at my self-esteem like fingernails already too short and it is driving me into analysis paralysis of every word, comma, space.

Logic half of brain says, "Do it, finish the write up, this will help." But the rest of me wants to curl up and fade, but there are things to do. Must be done and the thread is one of them. It feels as I am wasting resources, better spent elsewhere, as the feeling threatens to swell and wash over.

I distract myself with humour, an intricate illusionist or at least perhaps, I am to myself.

So hello, hope you are well, I am here to see how things go.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Helarctus,

Welcome. Welcome. Thank you for joining us. It sounds like difficult might be an understatement when it came to making this post, but I'm really glad that you did.

How are you feeling now that you've posted?

I hope you'll find that making this post was worth it - there's a really supportive community here, and whether that's just listening, offering advice, reading stories or saying 'me too'. If you'd like to, you can post back and let us know what's going on for you or what you'd like from the forums. No pressure to do so. This space is yours.

rt

[Helarctus]

Hello rt,

From the reading I have been doing on the forum, it seems that life is complicated for a lot of people. There are many threads which echo parts of my own. I do not want to take away from those real people and their legitimate feelings.

A constant tightrope between here and the horizon, over an infinite pit that pulls as much as beckons. I dwell too deeply it seems and I can see the toll I take on the people nearest who support me. Finding reasons for myself to keep walking beyond not letting them down,is getting harder and harder and telling them they are key to this feels like a burden unfair to lay across their shoulders.

Other sources of support, professional and medicinal are already in use. It is like I am spinning plates however, each must stay in the air because they report to each other and to all the outside viewers things are 'better'.

Dust in the mouth as I crumble internally to hold up the shell. I ramble, I apologise.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Helarctus,

It's really good to hear back from you.

You're absolutely right, life is complicated, and yet I'm glad that you found threads that resemble your own. Posting in their threads doesn't 'take away' from their feelings, but can often help. I think the feeling of 'I get it' is so comforting sometimes and even sharing strategies or techniques that you can't really get from professionals - I encourage you to try if it feels right.

It sounds like you're in a dark place right now. When you're talking about finding reasons to keep walking - does that translate to 'finding reasons to keep living'? If I think about the idea of being a burden, sometimes I try to reframe it so that it's people that I love and care about are helping me. Sometimes there is irony on thinking that there's unfairness in weighing others down when we'd happily do the same for another person that we care about. I'm not sure if this resonates with you.

Spinning plates gives me the visual of a magician or an illusionist - I wonder if maybe these forums can be us behind the scenes or off to the side of the curtain.

I hope I'm understanding your reply; for what it's worth I want this to be a place where you feel free to ramble away. If you were to breach a rule Beyond Blue would let you know, otherwise you can fill up the thread with whatever you like.

rt

[Helarctus]

It is an ongoing theme, more tests, more discoveries, more pills and more tests being scheduled.

There is a veneer of cheer in place for the minions sake, getting them up and out the door for school so I can fall apart and lie on the floor til the alarm goes off and I have to reassemble for their afternoon snacks, homework etc. They have needs and I an obligation to meet them as they are mine, foisting that responsibility on others is unfair to them.

This is not their fault. I am not their fault.

[Croix]

Dear Helarctus (though I prefer Sun Bear)~

I have read your responses and support for others here, and I would be surprised if it took you as long to write them as did starting this thread here.

Your suggestions are sensible, practical and have empathy, they are very much worth reading.

Sadly that wisdom and experience does not filter though to you. I can understand the mask for the kids before they leave, and re-donning the mask on their return. Plus the pressure of keeping those plates spinning.

Can I ask if there is anyone there to give you support? You are supporting the kids and sound very taxed indeed.

OK, so now you have another round of tests, diagnoses and therapies/meds. Not an enviable position and I no faith that me spouting out mere logic at you (the isolation that comes from wearing a mask etc etc) will do much good at the moment.

What will?

I guess the best thing I can suggest is one of the things that has really helped me -self reward. I enjoy reading and put aside a time when I can do that, being transported into other worlds with different problems and solutions, different people. All I insist on is a happy ending, I've seen the opposite too many times.

Reward can be small, doing some small trivial thing like washing your hair and having a chocolate, or a large thing like going out to shop then watching a movie. (I'm just using these as guesses, I do not know your circumstances or likes)

The thing about rewarding oneself is that after a while it can seep in you are worth the reward, (like a genuine smile often works two ways)

So may I ask what in the past you have enjoyed, from a TV show or music, reading, pets, exercise and so on? You will in time remember these things and may be able to adapt them so you have an outlook on life that may not be so bleak.

I was very bad at remembering such things, perhaps there is another that can help, apart from that, just as a diversion why not read the thread:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here-

It simply tries to capture moments people here have enjoyed, for no other reason than others might enjoy some of them too.

Does this seem to make any sense?

I hope we talk some more

Croix

[Helarctus]

Hello Croix,

Thank you for your insights, you do make sense. The logical and analytical part of my brain follows your thinking. My perceived wisdom comes from experience, being on several sides of the lens as I am sure others on the forum can attest where they have been both the direct and indirectly afflicted with depression etc.

Things are busy, very very busy, even in a state in total lock down days were spent between working online, remote learning and house chores or projects that spouse would add to the tally. My idle hands (paws) are a problem, they wander and tempt me to pain and damage to reaffirm my presence.

Everything that would be mine is measured in what it carves out or takes away from of others, pursuits of hobbies are costs in time and resources better spent ensuring minions are attended. When attempted they are soured by the consequences after, conflicts, accusations, demands and crying.

To myself, I find moments of peace on the days that I can accept that desire is the cause of suffering and therefore what ever I might want doesn't matter.

Calmed in this empty space I can get on with the things necessary. Reward is the task well done so it is not requiring repetition. I will look over the link and see what comes.

Thank you

[Croix]

Dear Helarctus/Sun bear~

I use both names on purpose, as I'd love to be able to sow a small seed

You said

To myself, I find moments of peace on the days that I can accept that
desire is the cause of suffering and therefore what ever I might want
doesn't matter.

My understanding of that is the whole family, including you partner, is dependent on you and you spin those plates to keep everywhere running.

Um

May I suggest that your view is hard to understand. Perhaps you can explain to me why it is all down to you? That there is no room in your life for desires of your own as you are too busy helping everyone else, and your reward is not having to do a job again.

Did it start off that way, has it simply crept up on you, have circumstances changed?

Idle claws biting into you may give you a moment of identity, so can pleasure

Tell me if I misunderstand

Croix

[Helarctus]

Hello Croix,

Idle claws that pursue desires, I am not a good person and have failed many times to adhere to societal norms and contracts of behaviour. Keeping busy removes opportunity to ruin and wrack.

My desires are the source of pain for self and others, when I pursue for my own it subtracts from where resources are needed for responsibilities, obligations and such. Simple math, resources are finite.

Parkinsons law comes into effect, efficiency its own reward and punishment.

I enable others to pursue their desires because it prevents myself being idle. And then regret the loneliness as I sit in the shadows and wait for return or remembrance. I am my own worst enemy, but changing generates more hate and angst from those I enable as they are diminished.

Easier to keep my head down, get the work done and then find a spot to lay in the sun one last time.

[Croix]

Dear Helarctus/Sun bear~

That last phrase "then find a spot to lay in the sun one last time" worries me, are you thinking of killing yourself? You would not be alone, I did for years, still a little but no danger now.

I guess I'm trying to understand your phrases -where that will lead I dunno

Idle claws that pursue desires, I am not a good person and have failed many times to adhere to societal norms and contracts of behaviour. Keeping busy removes opportunity to ruin and wrack.

Are you trying to tell me "societal norms and contracts of behavior." are such paragons of logic, virtue and effectiveness that the need to be so slavishly followed.

2 years for stealing $5000 from social security (now called Centerlink), a bond if taken from a house.

One small silly slip giving way to temptation to the same thing over a period of time, then into a Goal, with wife a and kids having no means of support.

I was responsible, or more properly shared responsibility, for those above and more so many times.

I could go on in just about every area including social interactions but am limited in I've no idea why you are not a good person or what mischief idle claws will lead to. Stealing? Violence? Doing something you like?

As you can see I'm struggling here. The best I can come up with is you are afraid of actions you might perform and serving everyone else is needed to keep you too busy to indulge in those activities.

If you did the kids might get hash rather than gourmet and hubby might have to do some ironing. So they are unhappy their comfort level has gone down, if they see you doing something for yourself -at random a degree in biology - what will they do?

Maybe I'm on the wrong track, I've missed the subtleties. If so I apologize.

I like your picture, particularly the claws which seem at rest. Power and dexterity and speed available.

Croix (who understands Parkinson's law - if you look at it right - means people waste time they could be doing other things)