Dark days; Trying alternatives led me here. (An introduction of sorts)

[Helarctus]

Hello.

It has taken about three hours from when I looked at the page to get to this point and actually putting text into a screen. Worried about rambling, inadvertent breach of rules or creating a drama sink hole. My anxiety is biting at my self-esteem like fingernails already too short and it is driving me into analysis paralysis of every word, comma, space.

Logic half of brain says, "Do it, finish the write up, this will help." But the rest of me wants to curl up and fade, but there are things to do. Must be done and the thread is one of them. It feels as I am wasting resources, better spent elsewhere, as the feeling threatens to swell and wash over.

I distract myself with humour, an intricate illusionist or at least perhaps, I am to myself.

So hello, hope you are well, I am here to see how things go.

[Helarctus]

My apologies for the slow response, it has been a bad week and there is talk of hospitalisation.

The decision was made long ago for the last slumber, acceptance of the inevitable outcome makes persisting through everything else possible for me.

When idle I find the darker side of hedonism draws my attentions, given opportunity I lie, cheat, steal, philander, indulging in intemperate abuse of alcohol and misanthropic debate. I bait others to violence to induce pain upon myself and my deliverance of damage upon others, verbally and physically.

And I revel in it all. The dancing delight of the taste of my own blood on my lip.

I never expected to live past 25, was surprised when I realised I had been distracted and gained some hope with my own family, but now see how I drown them with my sorrows and have taught them he path I tread to my own ruin.

Now it is days of getting them through it, subtle preparations and teachings of independence and strength they will need because I have and will fail them as partner, parent, patron, friend. 

As a lost cause, I do what little good I can in my time left in this existence.

If I am wrong, then all for the better.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Helarctus,

We're so sorry to hear how low you have been feeling lately. We know it isn't easy sharing thoughts like these here, but it is so important that you have. We want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

We strongly recommend you reach out to the mental health professionals at our Support Service on 1300 22 4636. They're available for brief counselling, support and referrals 24/7 as are our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Please keep checking in here and letting us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

[Helarctus]

Hello Sophie_M,

Thank you, please note, I appreciate what the people here do to help each other and my failings are no reflection on any of you.

[Guest_4643]

Hello Helarctus.

I'm sorry to read that, I hope you're OK.

I'm here if you need someone to talk with or just listen. Be safe and take care.

- Tayla

[Helarctus]

Hello mb20lover,

My apologies if I upset you, it was inconsiderate of me to post without a potential trigger warning. Caught up in the flow of my mind as it sloshes around inside the bucket.

It seems I have a knack for coming across or being found by people in bad places(tm) Getting stuck with the question, "If not me, then who? If not now, then when?" In my hubris I act and consequence abounds. At least in this format I have the chance to review and edit a few times before putting my foot in my mouth.

I don't know yet if lingering here is helping me or just feeding my narcissistic tenancies by having my nom de plum pop up in multiple threads to serve as a true Munchhausen by proxy for other peoples real issues. Which could also just be me attempting self sabotage my efficacy and esteem. And the rabbit hole spiral begins.

I can sit back and watch myself in the 3rd person, even narrate my own downfall quiet easily. It hurts less to alienate myself and turn it all into an exercise of the mind in hypotheticals and philosophicals. At least I can point at myself and say to others, 'do better than this '

[Guest_4643]

You didn't upset or trigger me, it's okay Helarctus

[Croix]

Dear Helarctus/Sun bear~

Well I guess you have given a very impressive list of faults you indulge in when idle. I'd like to make a suggestion, which may by silly, but it is two fold. If you find thngs to do for yourself then you may not be 'idle' as you put it.-so waht might fit the bill?

The other half is pick on the easiest of those faults to give up and try to do that, looking on each failure as part of a path, not a dead end. maybe it might be 'misanthropic debate' - what do you think.

Now as for the rabbit hole spiral, you are simply overthinking. Your posts are fine, do no damage and some good, that's more than most folks who simply read and do not post at all. You are blaming yourself for no reason, building castles with no foundations.

No do not say to others -do better than this, instead say try as hard as I do. Also try to have my empathy, your concern for mb20lover shows both concern and an analysis of how you can avoid such things.

Croix™

[Helarctus]

Pauses to reflect, a new blend of medications and more sleep have gotten me moving some more, the hangover at each end of the day is something to survive as one batch washes out like the tide and wait for the next to slide in.

I hope others have been well in the somewhat loosened lockdowns.

[Croix]

Dear Dear Helarctus/Sun bear~

I'm glad there is more rest and a new medication to try , if it gives you a hangover perhaps you are not there yet, mine has little in side effects but took ages to find.

I'm also glad you have more rest, apart from anything else it can help with perspective, seeing yourself in not quite the same light.

The two together (no not the hangover) may bring you closer to yourself, like me you watched from a dispassionate unconnected view. It went as I improved and old feelings I"d forgotten, such as care for my partner returned.

I hope to keep hearing from you

Croix

[Helarctus]

There has been a break, time away and for medications to soak in.

I can see where affections may have be desired but have no desire to act upon them falsely, nor to attempt and fail horribly at pretending they exist.

Functions are maintained, dependants needs are met. This will have to be enough.

I thank you for your kindness.