Afraid of getting STIs and being alone forever (NFSW)

[chrisw01]

Sorry, it seems a little bit too much going on last month. Maybe not a big deal compared with other people's issues, but I just need a space to talk about because I don't have any friends that I can share with, and I don't think it is a good idea to talk about anything related to STIs with my parents. 

I am a 28 years old man, who is extremely introverted and always feels insecure about myself, especially my below-average size (I could elaborate more if needed, but I don't think it is necessary), and the way I talk to people. One day, I decided to go to visit a sex worker. After a brief moment of satisfaction, all I bring to myself are nothing but the constant fear of having Herpes (From what I know, they can live with your body forever and wait until one day to have an outbreak) or any other STIs and possible prostitution addiction. I feel so pathetic and sad about myself for ruining my life and body for a moment of fake happiness.

Sometimes I don't even know what I want. I want to have a meaningful relationship, but I am too afraid of facing rejection and getting hurt because of the things I am feeling insecure about. When I was young I feel like things will just happen, or I didn't have this sense of urgency. As I am getting older, I couldn't stop wondering if I am missing something important in my life. I become anxious and uncomfortable at the thought that I will regret not doing something right now, but I have no idea what should I do. Am I going to find someone that can understand me and accept who I am rather than get annoyed by my self-pity? I feel so lonely and I feel like I am wasting my life right now.

[Croix]

Dear Chrisw01~

Welcome here to the Forum, it was a good choice to come here as if you look around you will find many who have had similar fears.

I'm not sure how to put things to you except logically -and that might not be enough to make you worry less, however I'll try. You will have heard 'size does not matter' and it's true. Loving and cherishing someone, trying to  please them and make them happy are some of the things that count - and you are capable of all those.

When  you do find someone with whom you wish to share a deep relationship you won't be feelng sorry for yourself anymore anyway -so nothing ot worry about there. Think instead waht you have to offer.

In addition you have found out that you are physically capable of having sex - something may people worry about until it happens. So you went to a sex-worker, which is fine, many people do. You may have found the  experience less than you might have imagined, once again that's ok.

There are a couple of things I might suggest if you do not mind. As you have been worried about your stature and about being rejected for a very long tme I would suggest you book a long appointment wiht your GP and explain these, see if htere is any possibility that you are worrying excessively and this should be examined.

While you are there explain your worry over STIs as you visited a sex worker and ask for advice on being tested for whatever is practical. This should help at least in part in reducing your concerns.

28 is not some sort of last chance for forming a relationship. I found someone in my middle age and we have had 25+ lovey years together and hope for many more. Simply try to look closely at people rahter than at your own fears. Are they kind? Ar they thoughtful? Are they honest? Are they fun? That sort of thing.

You are welcome here anytime

Croix

[chrisw01]

Dear Croix,

I am not sure if you will read this but thank you so much for your kind word and useful advice. It really means a lot to me and I feel a bit better because I realize there are people that will listen and care. It makes me feel less lonely.

Sometimes I feel anxious because when I get older. I couldn't help but wonder if I am on the wrong path in my life. As I am getting older, I feel like I might miss something that I will never get back.

Best wishes,

Chris

[Croix]

Dear Chris~

Of course I read what you write and am pleased what I said before helped a bit.

You are not being kind to yourself you know, that worry and anxiety over size, your age and the path you are traveling on all add up to a life where worry can dominate, obscuring chances and a larger world.

I've already suggested medical support, and I'm confident that will help. The only other thing I guess you may need reminding of is that in any relationship it is built together by two people - who are each trying to make it work -it is not just up to you.

Please do let us know how you get on

Croix

Whichever path a person is on there are always other paths, and human nature being what it is they have that 'grass is greener' look -totally unjustified of course.

[chrisw01]

Dear Croix,

I don't know. I guess worrying is part of my nature because I feel like bad things affect me the most when they happen unexpectedly. I am just too afraid of getting hurt because I feel like nobody really understands me and when they finally see the real me, they will be sick of me. Sometimes I just don't know what to do and what I really want. I just feel like something needs to be done, but I don't know what is it.

By the way, I finally decide to get an STI test today and did some other regular health checks to see if I have any health problems. While it is a bit scary for waiting for the result, at least I can get some closure and move on after that.

As always, thank you for your kind word, and I am so glad to talk to you.

Best wishes,

Chris

[smallwolf]

hello chrisw01, 

I want to reply to the part about wanting a relationship and wondering if you are missing something. Do you think you are missing anything? The one thing I wanted to mention is that some people (I know) find the person they want to spend their life with in mid or late 30s. At the same time I understand this is concerning you, and perhaps the media plays a part in this?

I also get that you are introverted. So what are some things that you like? Are there groups in your area for those things you like? 

(I am hoping...) Can you remember when learning to ride a bike. It was hard at first. Trying to get that balance. Maybe a few spills. Try again. Rinse and repeat. Eventually you are successful. 

I admit that going out with someone is different to learning to ride a bike.  Small steps though. Crawl. Walk. Run. 

Lastly. on asking someone out .... when we hear no, it is easy to think it is us and that feeling of rejection. At the same time we may not know what that person has been through recently - they might not be looking for a relationship. 

Maybe here is a place to start. What are some things you like to do?

[Croix]

Dear Chris~

It is because worrying is part of your nature I suggested seeing if you can get some medical help with that. It does not have to be anything drastic, even a small constant amout of assistance can change the way you go though life. I have an anxiety condition and also worried all the time, now it's better, while not perfect it is under control and I'm happy with things.

There is an old saying you have probably heard hundred of times "You have to love yourself first before ...."

I"m not impressed by it. As far as I can see two people can work together to boost the one that does not think much of themself. So please do not write your prospects off.

My partner met met me when I had :PTSD, suicidality, anxiey and depression, no job, no prospects and little money (plus a bit overweight). She gave me help and understanding and 25+ years later we are still happy together. Frankly I had back then thought nobody would go near me.

So you can't decide what the future holds any more than I could

I'm glad you are having those tests, very sensible.

Croix

[chrisw01]

Dear smallwolf,

I am not sure if I am missing something in my life, it is just I suddenly realize I never did the things that almost everyone has done before. Maybe that's why I got a bit desperate and I thought I have found the permanent solution to my problem.

I don't have lots of interesting hobbies. I just like browsing the Internet and seeing if there are any interesting things. I have spent some time on different anime and tv series. Also, I do try to do some exercises for the sake of my health.

I understand that we shouldn't take rejection to heart, I myself face lots of rejection when I am looking for work a few years ago (I think I have made a post before). It is just unlike looking for work, it feels like the judgment I received becomes much more personal. I couldn't help but think if it was worth the effort or not. I have thought about downloading a dating app, but it seems it can be pretty stressful, especially if it requires you to upload a photo of yourself.

I am so glad people here are being so supportive and kind. I have talked about my issue here more than anyone else in the real world.

Best wishes,

Chris

[chrisw01]

Dear Croix,

I am not sure if I need any medical help for that, but I feel keep that in mind and ask my GP if I need it.

Sometimes I feel like I have difficulties maintaining the connections I have, never mind a relationship. When I was younger, I have been invited to the church (I don't have a religion) and at first, the people are very friendly, but after a while, they are not that friendly anymore and I stop going. I have some friends but I just don't think they are supportive enough when I was facing other difficulties in my life so I stop talking to them. I don't know how much effort should I put in to maintain the connection I have, and whether is it worth it or not.

Your inspiring story gives me some hope that someday my worries and problems will go away and good things will happen in the future. 

Best Wishes,
Chris

[Croix]

Dear Chris~

It's been a few days since I have had a chance to get back to you. In the meantime I was thinking about how you feel about your friends.

I'll leave aside the church for a moment and just say how I've felt about friends when down. I did regard them as not being understanding or as supportive as I might have liked. Looking back I guess I was looking for support in the wrong places - at least in part.

I suppose there is a bit of a difference between ordinary freinds, and very special ones. Now that does not mean you write everyone off, even if you feel at times the effort to maintain contact is getting hard. The reason is that just the social contact - even without deeper understanding - can be a good thing. I found it tended to make me more aware of the world and things around me. I would tend to let my view of the world shrink and it always seemed to cut out better things, leaving me concentrating on the worst.

The church invitation is probably a different sort of thing, as you say yourself you are not religious, and I'd guess it is religion that holds those people together, and over time it may become obvious you do not share their  beliefs, so gradually you drift apart - do you think that might be the case?

I hope all your test results are coming back OK, it will be one thing less to worry about if they do, but not the end of the world if the don't all. Many things can be treated. Would you like to say how you got on?

You mentioned to Smallwolf you liked anime - may I ask what particular series do you like? My own favorite is the Ghost in the Shell, right from the start, then movies and TV series.

Croix