Adult ADHD & Co-morbidities

[Dozer]

Hi,

I was first diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety in my late 40s.  At the time I knew something wasn’t right and I took steps to find out what it was, how I got it and how do I fix it.  After a few breakdowns and psychotherapy I was on the mend and life went on swimmingly until about 2 years ago.  The black dog snuck back in and life was turning to shit all over again. Earlier this year I wanted a complete review but finding a psychiatrist in regional Vic was a challenge and finding one for some immediate help was impossible.  Immediate help from someone I knew of was only available as an in-patient in Melbourne.  I thought I’d be back home in a few days.  Wrong!  Four weeks later after a complete assessment, change of medication (I’d been on the same thing for 15 years without review) and a treatment of TMS, I was home again.  I also had a discharge report and referral to a psychologist, also in Melbourne.  The efficacy of the TMS, albeit fantastic treatment, was short lived.  Most recently, the degree of anxiety and depths of depression have been the worst they’ve been for 13 years.  I had decided that I would admit myself to hospital again for remedial/top-up TMS under the same psychiatrist.  I had discussed this with my psychologist and the admission booked for mid-October.  And now the kicker!  During this time I was assessed and diagnosed with ADHD and a report provided to my psychiatrist.

I’m sorry about the long winded intro but this is where I am and I’m all at sea.  The anxiety and noise in my head is becoming unbearable.  I now see that a lot of what went on to get me to where I am now can be or is attributable to ADHD.  But it doesn’t help much.  My motivation levels are at an all time low, guilt and shame at an all time high and interest in anything that I previously found rewarding/pleasurable etc non-existent.  I once had confidence that after further TMS, things would improve but a new diagnosis of ADHD has knocked that confidence on the head. I’m confused about the relationship between ADHD and the comorbidities I have and what treatments may be available.  I have grave fears, yes, probably unfounded, that I’ll be stuck in the position I’m now in with crippling anxiety and depression.  And whilst I have not had active thoughts in relation suicide, the thoughts of ‘stop the planet I want to get off’ are becoming stronger and louder.  Basic things aren’t being done because I simply can’t do them - take a shower, take out the bins, do the lawns and tidy the garden, go out and get some groceries.  I’m overwhelmed and can’t see a way out.  

Is there a way out?  Once I thought I was better but all the bad stuff came back at me with a vengeance.  I have fears that any improvement after hospital will be once again short lived and I’ll end up in a position worse than I’m in now.

Is there help?  Can my situation be improved?  Will I be able to function normally?  Can I return to a positive and fulfilling life?

[therising]

Hi Dozer

I feel for you so much, given the incredible challenges you've faced and still face today. Some of the hardest working people in this world are those who work on not only their wellbeing (including mental wellbeing) but also in coming to know themself on a greater level. 

I suppose the question comes down to 'Can a person's nature change or evolve over time?'. The answer would be 'Yes'. Through guidance or intervention, a greater level of self understanding (gaining much needed revelations), practicing new skills and previously untapped abilities etc etc, our nature can change in various ways. I'm a big advocate of a sense of wonder, by the way. For example, I've found it's much healthier to wonder why I tick the way I do, rather than jump to the wrong conclusions such as 'I'm hopeless' or 'Things are never going to improve' and so on. This comes from experience, after decades of jumping to the wrong depressing conclusions time and time again. One of the worst of those wrong conclusions would have to be 'I'm 'broken' in some way and 'unfixable''. 

ADHD can be an incredibly challenging thing to manage. Whether it stems from nature or nurture, environmental factors or life events, certain abilities that are seriously out of balance or haven't been mastered yet or something else, again it pays to wonder.

• I wonder why I struggle with inner dialogue so much
• I wonder why I can't master or manage my energy (chemical energy included) 
• I wonder why my imagination can get the better of me at times and why I can't always see the best way forward (through my imagination)
• I wonder why I can't stay committed to certain routines that I know for a fact are good for me
• I wonder why I can't manage my sensitivity/ability to sense (which in includes being able to easily sense what can feel stressful and/or depressing)

and the list goes on. That's a lot to wonder about.

Some of the key elements of a happy and healthy life can include inner dialogue, energy, imagination, structure and the ability to sense. If all that is a struggle or is challenging in multiple ways, life can feel like a struggle or constant challenge, that's for sure. While my 22yo daughter (who was clinically diagnosed with ADHD last year) faces these challenges, I also struggle with them. Knowing why I struggle at times began with a sense of wonder, before hitting on a number of revelations. To name just one: In regard to sensitivity (aka 'the ability to sense'), no one ever taught me how to sense or how to feel. How to turn the sensitivity dial up, turn it down or switch it off and turn it back on is just one aspect. Managing how sensitivity interacts with our mind and nervous system is another. There are many things to learn regarding sensitivity. There is just so much to learn about ourself and how we work, an enormous amount.

As a 55yo gal, it's only in the last 10 years that I've become seriously curious about how I work (with hundreds of fascinating research hours under my belt). While I still struggle with periods in depression, I've learned to ask 'What am I sensing that is depressing in my life or within myself?'. I'd say lately I'm sensing seriously low levels of dopamine, amongst other things. Definitely does not feel good.