42 and Sad, depressed and frightened.

[Choices_Matter]

I'm Peter, Male 42 and i hate my life. I didn't do well at school, i could never keep jobs, i have never had a girlfriend, all i do is stay home. I was born with a rare muscle decease where i can lose the use of my limbs in certain conditions such as cold weather, anything cold or if i over exert myself. I live at home with my Dad and Brother who are the 2 most boring and miserable people you could live with. I would have done anything to have been normal in life, i wanted to be successful, i wanted to be strong. I wanted to be somebody in life but i wasn't built right. From the moment i was born into the world i was destined to be a nobody, a good for nothing loser. I hate who i am and what i am, every morning i wake up and look at myself in the mirror and i despise what i see. I am lonely and have no one to talk to. I battle with things on my own, I suffer with sever depression and my mind never shuts off. I am constantly thinking about what could have been if i was this or had been that and it's exhausting. I don't think i would ever end my own life but the thoughts are there, i am always wishing for something to happen to me, something quick and painless so i didn't have to deal with all this anymore. I hate getting older, i dread birthdays. I cry so much now, i exist in a world where i don't belong and it's getting harder to cope with it. Life is extremely unfair. I am frightened for my future, i am not independent, all my life i've had people doing everything for me and i feel useless. I worry for what happens to me when they pass and what is to become of me. I am so scared. I also suffer with Anxiety and i have a phobia where i am scared to look up at the blue sky, i know how silly it sounds, i know it can't hurt me. It's as if i have a fear of heights but looking up instead of down. This phobia greatly effects my daily life and again it is exhausting. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Peter,

I’m so sorry that you have had such a rough time. It’s great that you have written out how you are feeling here. That’s often a first step in beginning to find a way through things. So although you may feel hopeless, you’ve shown the capacity to reach out and we are listening. 

I am wondering if you have ever had any support through a counsellor or psychologist? You can get up to 10 Medicare rebated sessions a year with a psychologist with a mental health care plan from your GP. I know the cost can be a factor as there’s often still a gap to pay, but there may be options out there you can afford. There are also helplines you can call for a chat such as Beyond Blue and Lifeline. I’ve used helplines a fair bit myself when struggling and feeling really alone and isolated. It sounds like you really need some support and input from outside your home environment. It might start helping you to see a way through your situation and find some things you enjoy and help you to start feeling a bit better.

I’ve had a number of challenging health conditions myself and at times I’ve also felt hopeless and worthless within myself. I’m 50 now and I’m slowly learning to care for myself more and realise I am worth something after all, but I understand how difficult it can be to start to feel that. I have no doubt you are a good and very worthy person. I can tell just from the way you write that you have compassion and sensitivity, and often those who’ve suffered a lot do. Those are lovely qualities to have and show that the world is better for having you in it.

I think when you feel so alone as you describe it is especially hard and depression can really set in. Having some meaningful human contact can often help to begin to alleviate some of that, but I know it can be hard finding that contact, at least initially. Do you have any interests Peter, such as hobbies, favourite music, movies etc? Having something to focus on that you love and enjoy can really help and is sometimes a path to connecting with others with similar interests.

The phobia with the blue sky would be so very difficult. It would indeed be so exhausting. Others don’t always understand either, do they. There can be ways to treat these things and understand why they are happening. At one stage I developed extreme sound intolerance that was so bad I couldn’t cope with any sounds louder than the sound of trees in a light breeze. But I was able to eventually train my ears and brain to cope again and a good audiologist helped along the way. I feel you just need the right support, care and emotional validation and things can get better.

Sending you much care and a very big hug. Take care Peter and we are here to listen if you want to talk more and share how you are feeling.

All the very best,

Eagle Ray