therapy dilemma

[lost_echo]

i have been seeing a psychologist for 3 years now and yet i still dont actually know what i'm doing there. there's is really loud voice in my brain that tells me that i dont need help and i dont deserve it but theres also this tiny voice thats desperately begging for help which is evident in the ways that i have been coping these days. i know my therapist is aware of this but at the end of the day only i can make myself want this but ive never been interested in my life. ive never cared whether i died or not but that tiny voice makes me think maybe things can change. i just find it really hard to ask for help and motivate myself to get better due to my ingrained beliefs around life due to my trauma. any advice or comments would be helpful.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Guest,

Welcome and thank you for sharing your experience, I can relate to it. I too held very little value towards myself, and I know well that feeling of not caring about whether I died or not. I think such feelings are very common in those who have experienced trauma. I also really get what you mean about the tiny voice that is begging for help while the loud voice is stating that help is not deserved. 

I know you mentioned that your therapist is aware of this, but it might help to be extra explicit about needing support for that tiny voice and beginning to build up strategies for caring for that part of self. Take heart in the knowledge that that part exists because it means there is hope and part of you can sense you are worthy of help, even if there is a dominant voice stating otherwise. There are some therapeutic approaches which work with parts of self that may be helpful to look into. One is called Internal Family Systems that may be of interest. One thing I have learned is that all the parts of ourselves are actually trying to protect us, even the parts that seem unkind, uncaring or indifferent. Such parts often develop in childhood as a way of saying I don't need help, or I don't want attention, because it is not safe. You can actually build a relationship with this part of you and let it know that it doesn't have to keep doing its job of protecting the system by believing there is no point (or safety) in help. In my own case, I have seen such parts begin to transform into supportive, collaborative parts instead of dismissive, indifferent ones. This can really happen and is a core component of healing.

Are you feeling safe with your current therapist and do you feel like they are a good fit? I have found this has been a very big factor in my capacity to make progress in therapy. I went through some experiences with previous therapists where I was not able to completely let go enough to feel safe, and I know that limited my ability to begin to process trauma and heal. With the therapist I am working with now I can allow the vulnerable parts of myself to come out more. I just wonder if that is a factor in your case, but it could also be that you just haven't quite been able to get to responding to that tiny voice yet. As that small voice begins to be seen, heard and validated, part of you can begin to grow and ease more into a sense of safety. The first process in any trauma healing is safety and stabilisation, even before you go into trauma processing. So a first step would be really supporting and caring for that small voice and finding out what they need.

I hope that helps a bit. I am happy to chat more if you would like to. If it's any encouragement, even though it took quite awhile, I have managed to build up my own small voice and hear and be much more responsive to her. So it is really possible to begin healing this part of self.

Take good care,

Eagle Ray

[therising]

Hi lost_echo

May sound a bit strange but I find it helps if I name or give a sense of identity to the 'voices' (inner dialogue). My inner stresser sounds and feels different to the carefree part of myself. My inner critic, which can become quite brutal at times, can sound and feel very different to the inspiring and guiding sage in me. The people pleaser in me will sound and feel very different to the part of me that insists I stop tolerating degrading or soul destroying behaviours from certain people in my life. This would be the intolerant and upstanding part of myself, which can definitely come in handy at times yet must be managed carefully. 

While some people may say 'Inner dialogue can involve facets of our multi-faceted nature', other's may refer to inner dialogue as 'Divine vs not so divine' or 'angel on one shoulder vs devil on the other'. I think it's about choosing what we imagine we can work with. Whether we imagine it's our inspiring inner sage or some form of divine guidance, it doesn't really matter. Each to their own. What matters is that it makes a positive difference. What matters is that it offers a sense of direction and helps shed light on things, amongst other advantages. I should add that it's incredibly important to not get too carried away by our imagination at the same time. For example, if what we simply imagine as an inner sage suddenly starts to manifest as a real person in front of us over time and we can not longer tell the difference between what is real and what we imagine, that's a whole other very serious ball game. The brain and mind are complex things.

Perhaps the question could involve 'Why part of myself is calling out for guidance, greater self understanding and a sense of progress and what part of me is insisting I stop what I'm doing (visiting the psychologist)?'. Could it be the sage in you or the intuitive part of yourself that's insisting 'Things can change'? Could that part of you now be coming to life more, getting a little louder and perhaps a tiny bit more insistent? If you were to ask this part of yourself 'Why am I not feeling a sense of progress at this point?', what would it say? 

May sound a little questionable but there have been times where I've questioned certain aspects of myself, like my inner critic at its most brutal. 'What the hell has brought you to life?!' has been met with stuff along the lines of 'What do you expect when you have zero confidence, no positive vision of the way forward and you're listening to a whole stack of super critical, degrading and uninspiring people?'. If I was to question the logical or analytical part of myself, what response would it give if I was to ask at some point 'Why do I not feel a sense of hope?'? The answer may be 'How can you feel what is not there. If someone gave to you the kind of vision and hope you could fully relate to, the kind that inspires you, would you then feel hope and many of the feelings that come with a sense of vision?'. Logically, the answer would be 'Yes'. 

I would have to say, from my own experience, the problem is not with inner dialogue. Part of the problem can involve not knowing how to work with it or manage it. As a gal who used to drink, to drown out certain types of inner dialogue, as a non drinker I've had to learn a number of skills when it comes to managing. I am still far from having mastered it, btw. Self development is a lifelong experience which we graduate through, going up levels. Inner dialogue can involve fascinating and sometimes intensely challenging forms of self development and graduation, that's for sure. 🙂