Psychologist Misunderstanding Adoption Concepts

[Marcsa]

Hi, I've stuck my toe in and out of the forums for the last couple of months, sometimes finding bits that are relevant to my situation. Lately I've come to realize that in the treatment of my depression and anxiety, the gulf between my psychologist and myself is widening. I just don't think she 'gets' it. I feel really frustrated because i have invested quite some time in coming to this point. I am a late discovery Adoptee, which means I didn't find out that I was an Adopted Person until the age of 41. My Adoptive Mother died before I found out and the relationship between us was never great. I certainly feel betrayed and cheated by her. My Adoptive Father was the one who told me, but said it was not a topic he particularly wanted to discuss - so we never did. He died two years later and we had become progressively distant both after my Adoptive Mother had died and because of his relationship with another lady. Not only did my parents not tell me my entire life, just about everyone around me - of my parents generation and older - knew I was adopted. My Grandparents, my Godmother, parents friends. When I spoke to my Godmother , she said "We thought you knew". How can I talk and show i know about something when I never knew about it ?!

Anyhow, I feel as if the above is relevant to my current issues with my son and the relationship between us. I feel as if (and my psychologist has pointed this out to me ) how I was parented, is how I have learned to parent my son. I guess I am shifting some of the blame, but I just think that there is something to be said for a child who was taken/removed/given up by their biological mother and given to parents who do not reflect back the same and anticipated nurturing of the biological mother. There are a lot of issues that come out of Adoption and i really think that my psychologist doesn't give them a place in our sessions. So ultimately , do I give up on this psychologist? Do I keep pushing this perspective, which I have (in a feeble way) ? If I find a new psychologist, will I start over, from the beginning, once again taking years to maybe get to this same point?

Two of my girlfriends have suggested that I find a new psychologist, but I am reluctant. Because it's change, because it is another failure added to all the others strewn through my life. Thoughts appreciated.

[White_Rose]

Hello Marcsa

How are you going? Have you made a decision about your psychologist? I am very interested in what is happening and how you are managing.

Greyhound has made some valid comments about contact with your birth mother. At least you have had contact with her. You say you cannot understand why she was not "strong enough" to keep you. Was she not married at the time of your birth? Back then there was a huge stigma attached to unmarried mothers and their children. Any mom needed to be very strong to stand up to or endure the comments made to her. It could be very nasty.

I knew one young woman who decided to keep her child. She had the full support of her mother. This mom had a hairdressing business and her daughter also worked there. The baby went to the shop every day with mom and played in an closed off area when he was old enough. All the customers used to say what a lovely child he was, but outside the shop they pulled that girl apart. Hypocritical people, but that was an outcome of the times. Your mom would have been well aware of this.

Hindsight is always 20/20. As someone who grew up during that time I can tell it was a great time to be young, but not a great time to be an unmarried mom. No wonder many girls gave up their babies and regretted it later. Those who managed usually had the support of their families or were very tough indeed.

You will remember when AIDS first appeared and how anyone who had this disease was considered unfit to associate with others, no matter how they contracted the illness. Being an unmarried mother was very similar in terms of public opinion.

Have you decided to change psychologists? Please let us know how you are traveling.

Mary

[pipsy]

Hi Marcsa. Hope you're starting to feel a bit more positive about the adoption situation. I understand how angry you are feeling, part of it could be because you had no say in what happened when you were born, given up etc. When things happen to us that we have no control or say over, it leaves us feeling helpless, angry, hurt etc. It's like a grieving process, made harder because no-one seems to understand your feelings of 'why was I born, if I wasn't wanted'. Earlier I mentioned that I believed your mum wanted you, that thought hasn't changed. Her circumstances at the time forced her to make a decision she didn't want to make. There is nothing that can change that. All the anger you harbour towards her, the authorities, her family, is not really helping you either. You probably realise that. Have you thought about approaching this from another angle? Ask your Dr if there is an agency that counsels children of adoptive parents. It's a fairly special field, ordinary run-of -the-mill counsellors can't do it, because they simply don't understand where you're coming from in relation to your feelings of abandonment. If you could attend a type of group therapy for children of adoptive parents, it may help you to get your anger/frustration out by talking to other kids who understand how and why you feel as you do. Also ring lifeline, headspace, they may be able to put you in touch with this type of counselling. You need to deal with your anger/hurt in order to grow more secure with who you are. I realize you know your parents, but you only know who they are/were, you never really understood what happened to them when it was known you were expected. You can't possibly know the wherefores' and whyfors because you weren't there to witness any of the possible anger/disappointment from g'parents on both sides. I was 16 and living at home when I discovered I was pregnant. Mum totally/completely disapproved of the father of my child. I was turfed out, luckily my then bf's parents took me in, I kept my baby, but lost my parents. It was a dreadful situation, I've never regretted keeping my daughter, but losing my parents was something I never expected. Bf's parents were extremely disappointed, but they did support me emotionally. Your parents obviously might not have had that support either. They made an extremely painful decision, believing it to be the only, right one to make.

Lynda.

[Marcsa]

Hi Greyhound123,

I re-read your post and think this has made this thread go on a tangent I hadn't expected.

I don't think anywhere previously I wrote that I 'dislike my birthmother'. I'm sorry you received that impression. I am frustrated with her - certainly. Disappointed. I don't think I would go so far as to say I dislike her.

My goal with this thread was to ascertain thoughts on whether I should change/ move to a new psychologist. The reason being that my current psychologist doesn't give my Adoption the meaning that it has in the overall situation that is my life.

[Marcsa]

Hi Mary,

I've been thinking for the last 24hrs about a response. I just wanted feedback as to changing psychologists. Adoption is part of who I am and I guess if this psychologist sees no value in giving Adoption the importance it has for me (although it is not ALL that I am) then one must change. By that I mean me changing psychologists.

As regards Adoption, briefly, because I could go on and on, and there are only 2000 words allowed for this post, I am well aware of attitudes of the 1950s,60s and 70s. But what I cannot fathom is the continuation of the lies and secrecy. I understand that women, such as my Biological mother accidentally fell pregnant and were faced with a choice. My Biological ,other was not some teenager. She was 27yrs old. Ok, she lived in a domineering type of household who didn't like anyone who was 'outside their circle'. Fine. But,..... times have changed. Now.

And my Adoptive parents, why did they feel it was ok to ( let's face it) LIE ? For over 40yrs ? It's not fair. And I, as an Adopted Person, should feel grateful ? I was indeed lucky. Many, many Adoptees I have met have had dreadful experiences. You can see that I can get fired up about this. The fact that generally only the Media santised view of Adoption is known and talked about.

I am sorry to be so angry. The more understanding and education people can get from discussing Adoption - from ALL sides - the better it will be.

[pipsy]

Hi Marcsa. I think the lies you were told were not the right way to tell you. Adoption can be pretty devastating for all concerned, parents/child/ren/g'parents etc. The problem is, sometimes it's easier to tell a lie to start, after a while the lie seems to become a type of reality when you live it daily. The child in the middle of all of it develops an identity problem because when they're eventually told, they have no idea how to process what they've been told. I think when the adoptee is told they should be 'grateful' it's because they're lucky to have had a great upbringing as opposed to a bad upbringing. This has nothing to do with the anger the child develops for the circumstances surrounding the original decision. I know Marcsa you do feel some gratitude for your adoptive parents, who I understand, were good to you. The problem you're facing is why were you lied to. There is no one answer for that question. There are 100's, possibly none would satisfy you, because you feel the abandonment of the adoption. I suggested earlier, you may like to see about counselling available for adopted children. This is totally different than what you've been having. It would be looking at the whole thing from the point of view of the child (you). You would be able to really talk to other people in the same boat as you, who would totally understand your anger. Perhaps if you were to ask your Dr about these counselling sessions. I understand it's totally run by adopted children, for adopted children. I realize you're not a child, I wasn't trying to undermine you as a young adult. You are a surviving adult adoptee who needs to find peace and acknowledgment for abandonment issues. These feelings are real and need to be addressed.

Lynda.

[Marcsa]

Hi Lynda,

As I said in reply to Greyhound 123, this thread seems to have gone off on a tangent that I wasn't expecting.

Boy, am I fired up. I've tried to give my thoughts 24hrs to settle. I'm sorry but it hasn't achieved the desired effect.Perhaps I should start a new thread, but I do feel as if I should give a bit of a response.

I am glad, but also sorry to hear of your potential Adoption experience. But you did the best you could at that time and very sorry to hear that your parents felt the way they did. ( Was there ever a reconciliation?) None of my business really.

I just want to reiterate - that I'm sorry if you think that I dislike my Biological mother. She frustrates me, disappoints me, is somewhat secretive and maybe has no idea about how to develop a relationship with me. I don't hate her, but I also couldn't say that I love her or have any feelings towards her other than what I have expressed. I have been seeing a psychologist for some time - 5+yrs. It is only really recently, in coping with my own child ( now an adult) that I've have begun to see that perhaps Adoption has some place in how my familial relationships have been affected.

Since I discovered my Adoption, I have been made aware of Counselling Services. I have been in contact with PARC (Post Adoption Resource Centre) pretty much since my discovery. You are right when you say run-of-the-mill consellors don't get it. Hence why there is a specific organisation. I believe there are other similar groups in other States. I really should star another post if I want to keep ranting on about Adoption. However, one of the biggest issues that is a crucial factor is the LIES and SECRECY, with which the lives of Adoptees are permeated. If I could've changed one thing in my past - that would be it.

[Marcsa]

Hi Lynda,

Sorry, even more fired up now.

I know it is unlikely I will get any answers. Certainly not from my Adoptive parents - both deceased.

I really think I need to start a different thread. BTW, many GPs are also clueless.

[JessF]

Hello Marcsa, I will have a go at trying to get back to what you were originally wanting to talk about: things working or not working with your therapist.

I think it can be important, when there are a lot of issues going on in your head, to work out what your goals are in therapy. What do you want to get out of it?

From your original post, it sounds like your main concern is around your relationship with your son and how you can mend it. It sounds like you and psychologist may be at odds as to the root cause of what is or has made your relationship difficult; you believe that issues relating to your adoption are part of the mix, and you feel she doesn't understand that. How am I doing so far?

If I've got all this right, then here is a suggestion to avoid you losing all the work you have done so far. Perhaps put the adoption issues aside for a bit, and focus with your psychologist on improving the relationship with your son. Put aside the past and focus on some solutions for moving forward in that area. And in the meantime you can continue your search for a psychologist with which you can work through the issues around your adoption more fully.

Am I on the right track?

[Marcsa]

Hi JessF,

Yes, indeed.

[pipsy]

Hi, I'm so sorry if I hurt you in any way. That was never the intention. I never for one minute believed you hated your biological mother. You feel angry/hurt/betrayed by her giving you up, totally understandable. Hate is such a negative emotion. You also feel anger for being lied to, the lie which started probably before you were born, became so ingrained with your upbringing, people around you, no doubt actually started believing. Just for the record, my parents and I never reconciled. Like you, I felt anger that they denied my daughter and (later, son) the right to know them as g'parents, they're deceased now, so my anger has gone with them. The fact that the lie continued into your growing up possibly means there was no easy way to back track and tell you the truth without telling you why the lie was told to start with. I realize that probably doesn't help you, but can you understand where I'm coming from. Like you, I had to 'stumble' with my raising my daughter, as everyone has different notions about bringing up their children. Being angry/hurting, the sense of being lied to all your life has given you a sense of not knowing or understanding any part of who you are. If you can learn to grieve for your sense of loss which is important, it may help you find some semblance of peace. Anger/hurt is part of grieving which everyone goes through during their life. We lose spouse/child/parent, we grieve for that loss. You've lost your identity because of your world crumbling when you found your life was basically built round a lie.

Again -please accept my sincere apologies if I hurt you earlier. It was never my intention to hurt you. I hope and pray you find some peace in accepting what you can't change.

Lynda.