Psychologist Misunderstanding Adoption Concepts

Marcsa · ‎14-05-2016

Hi, I've stuck my toe in and out of the forums for the last couple of months, sometimes finding bits that are relevant to my situation. Lately I've come to realize that in the treatment of my depression and anxiety, the gulf between my psychologist and myself is widening. I just don't think she 'gets' it. I feel really frustrated because i have invested quite some time in coming to this point. I am a late discovery Adoptee, which means I didn't find out that I was an Adopted Person until the age of 41. My Adoptive Mother died before I found out and the relationship between us was never great. I certainly feel betrayed and cheated by her. My Adoptive Father was the one who told me, but said it was not a topic he particularly wanted to discuss - so we never did. He died two years later and we had become progressively distant both after my Adoptive Mother had died and because of his relationship with another lady. Not only did my parents not tell me my entire life, just about everyone around me - of my parents generation and older - knew I was adopted. My Grandparents, my Godmother, parents friends. When I spoke to my Godmother , she said "We thought you knew". How can I talk and show i know about something when I never knew about it ?!

Anyhow, I feel as if the above is relevant to my current issues with my son and the relationship between us. I feel as if (and my psychologist has pointed this out to me ) how I was parented, is how I have learned to parent my son. I guess I am shifting some of the blame, but I just think that there is something to be said for a child who was taken/removed/given up by their biological mother and given to parents who do not reflect back the same and anticipated nurturing of the biological mother. There are a lot of issues that come out of Adoption and i really think that my psychologist doesn't give them a place in our sessions. So ultimately , do I give up on this psychologist? Do I keep pushing this perspective, which I have (in a feeble way) ? If I find a new psychologist, will I start over, from the beginning, once again taking years to maybe get to this same point?

Two of my girlfriends have suggested that I find a new psychologist, but I am reluctant. Because it's change, because it is another failure added to all the others strewn through my life. Thoughts appreciated.

pipsy · ‎14-05-2016

Hi Marcsa. It's so sad you don't 'connect' with your psych over your feelings of betrayal and being cheated out of knowing your biological mother. Do you know any of the circumstances surrounding the reasons you were given up. Since your dad has passed, is there someone you could ask who might fill in the 'missing' pieces. There could be 1000 reasons you were adopted out, not necessarily because your mother didn't love you. It's also sad you didn't 'connect' with your adoptive parents. Changing psych's might make you feel better. However, I suggest you have a talk with your Dr about this. Tell him how you feel about the anger you're dealing with in connection to being adopted. I can sense a lot of anger because you don't know why you were adopted. There are avenues you could explore to trace your parentage (particularly your mum). There was a program on t.v recently called 'long, lost family'. Have you thought about contacting them and asking them to help you. There's also Red Cross who sometimes can help with finding families. It's possible your psych can't help you deal with your anger re: adoption, because it's out of her scope of knowledge. If you can get another psych, all you would need help with, is dealing with the adoption issue. If that's your main issue. Have a talk with your Dr, tell him what your issues are and he can then advise you who you need to talk to.

Lynda.

Marcsa · ‎14-05-2016

Hi Lynda, I have met my biological mother who lives in another state. She gave me up because she 'wasn't strong enough', what ever that means. I think she felt rather dominated by her parents and her background; my biological father was unacceptable to her parents. ( I believe he was Italian and her background was second generation Australian/Scottish origins). My biological mother explained that she thought it was the best option for her at the time, because she knew a couple (local to her) who had adopted two children. My biological father i am not certain about at all. According to my biological mother 'he was not interested'.

As regards to my psychologist not being able to assist me with my anger re: adoption, why, if it is outside of her scope, would she not identify that? I mean it is a big part of who I am ? I don't know if she has any other clients who are Adopted . Not that that should matter, and just because I am Adopted it doesn't mean that Adopted is all that I am either. I am so torn about proceeding from here.

I think going back to my GP might be the way to at least start to go from here. I just still feel that it is a waste to let go of all the therapy I have gone through so far. I think my history certainly affects where I am going and affects my current relationships with family. I don't want to keep being in this depressed state with my son and my Adoptive affected parenting skills.

pipsy · ‎14-05-2016

Hi Marcsa. I think with regards to your biological mother not being strong enough, she might not have had the emotional strength to keep you. Your dad wasn't the 'right' one in her parents view. It sounds like, if she had kept you and remained with your dad, her parents would've disowned her. With everything seemingly against her, she had little choice. Nowadays, things possibly would be different. Your psych may not be able to deal with your anger, till you do. I feel, (I could be wrong here, if I am, my apologies), you have some unanswered questions your psych simply can't answer. Have you asked her why she doesn't seem to grasp your anger issues? I feel your anger isn't just because you were adopted, I feel there's more to it. Your dad wouldn't talk to you, everyone thought 'someone 'else had told you, no-one told you till you were 41. If you had known before, have you had any thoughts as to how you may have felt. I realize that's a hard question, but try looking back at your childhood, if you had known, would you have felt angry or would you have accepted that your adoptive parents 'chose' you because they loved you. There must have been something appealing about you that they chose you over other children. Being adopted doesn't change who you are, it simply means you are not their biological child. The adoption part simply means you were raised by people who could look after you better than your biological mum - at the time of your birth. Did your adoptive parents love you, were they cruel? You got to know your birth mother, that's a plus. You knew your dad, another plus. It's possible you weren't told also because you might have showed emotional issues regarding adoption had you known. I don't mean to disregard your feelings, I'm trying to help you understand some of the problems associated with telling some children they're adopted.

Lynda.

White_Rose · ‎14-05-2016

Dear Marcsa

It is sad to find out you were adopted after 41 years of believing your adoptive parents were your biological parents. While I have not had this earth-shaking experience I can imagine how truly devastating it must have been for you. You have my admiration for wanting to make sure your son is not affected by this and for wanting to be the best parent possible.

Here are links to three threads on BB about adoption. It may help if you read these and see what other people have written and how they feel.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/permalink/qjBeEXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/permalink/qdI6-nHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/adoption---abandonment-issues

I think you are telling us that you are very angry that you were adopted and also angry because no one told you. You have become depressed and feel, at least in part, this anger has much to do with your depression. You have been meeting with a psychologist for time, but unfortunately , the psych appears not to understand your point of view.

I understand you feel that to start work with another psych would waste all the time and effort (not to mention cost) you have invested with your current psych. Well I certainly get that having been in that position. So can I start there?

I have met with four psychs in my time. I started to describe my experience plus reasons but ran out of characters. If you are interested I will tell you later.

This all happened over 15 years so not moving from one to another in a short space of time. I took my history with me when I moved to each new person. Each psych had contributed to my knowledge of myself, even though I did not always realise it. Though I needed to re-tell my story, which also upset me, I was more able to manage the emotional upset it caused and highlight the bits that were yet unresolved. I didn't do this consciously but realised as I was speaking what was happening.T

The point is, there is often a great benefit in changing your therapist. Some can walk with you for part of your journey and others can join you later. What you have already learned/experienced/found will not be lost. After the introduction process you can start to build on your knowledge.

I am not telling you change but to consider the benefits. You will not lose on the deal IMO, and may gain much. Chat to your GP.

Mary

Marcsa · ‎15-05-2016

Thanks Mary, and Lynda, I know I am angry and I have been for sometime. I am angry I can't get myself out of this rut and I remember being angry at myself for much of my life - but not knowing why. I think really and truly that a great deal of the anger and frustration at myself has to do with Adoption.Despite the fact I didn't know it at the time. Even though people at the time(1960s) thought they were doing the right thing. We know now that the secrecy that many Adoptees, Adoptive Parents and Biological parents were part of, has affected their lives. So when I've mentioned it as something relevant to me with my psychologist and that person doesn't see my suffering because of it - yeah, I'm angry. And it is this point where I can bring up rejection as a theme for Adoptees. As I see it, my psychologist kind of rejects the idea that it affects me and I reject the psychologist because (unconsciously) I am in pain and there is no view to finding the end of the suffering. Does that make any sense ?

White_Rose · ‎15-05-2016

Hello Marcsa

Yes, it was considered back then that telling children they were adopted would be the best thing. That way they would not try to find their biological parents or have doubts that their adoptive parents loved them. Unfortunately so many of our trials and tribulations come from others withholding the truth about some facet of our lives. As I said above, I was not adopted but I have experienced the situation where others knew hugely important facts about my life but refuse to 'tell'.

It seems to me that you have every right to be angry, not just with your adoptive parents but also with the other members of your family who kept you in the dark. If any are still around can you ask them for more details?

The more you explain about your psych the more inclined I am to urge you to find another. I think, like most people, your psych has her blind spots and unfortunately it appears that issues around adoption is one of them. It's sad but not a complete waste of time. You have learned a great deal so far, that you feel strongly your that many issues relating to your anger also relate to the feeling of abandonment relating to your adoption. You have also learned that no psych has all the answers which is good.

Many people enter a therapeutic relationship expecting to have all their problems solved by the psych. Many of these folk do not expect to have to work on these problems themselves because the psych will do it for them. Clearly this is not the case and whatever your expectations at the beginning of the therapy, you know now that psychs are human and fallible, but usually have a good track record of assistance.

How long have you being seeing this psych? When we are in pain the most important thing is to ease that pain. If it's a headache it's usually quite easy, but some pains take longer. However, when we get no relief at all it's time to find another way. Try to see your time with this psych as positive and perhaps you can write down all the good things that have happened in this therapy. I hope you will move on with positive thoughts about this psych and into a new therapeutic relationship with equally positive thoughts.

If you concentrate on the unsatisfying aspects of your therapy I suspect you will keep on bringing this up with a new psych. Now that really will be a waste of time. Been there, done that. It robs you of the chance to move on quickly and easily and focus on the real objectives of your therapy. Let the past go.

Mary

Greyhound123 · ‎20-05-2016

Hi Marcia,

i am at work at the moment and will write another post soon when I get a chance. But your expirence and feelings are very similar to my wife and I think you are not alone in the way you feel, she too is angry and resentful about it. I deeply sympathise with you because although I cannot ever fully understand I see the impact it had on one of the people I care about most in my life.

hope that makes you feel a little less alone about it And i think that the fact that you are willing to talk about it, even on an anonymous forum is a great step forward

Greyhound123 · ‎20-05-2016

Just to add now that I am home and have a few minutes. I am very hesitant to talk about my wife's story Too much as she is deeply private about it I know this is anonymous but I feel bad talking about her and have a fear she would be angry if she knew.

But I think in relation to the dislike of your birth mother sometimes it is perspective. In my wife's eyes her birth mother left her for dead and abandoned her, even though in reality she actually risked her life multiple times and was beaten for trying to see my wife. As my wife also had no clue this was happening. To me I don't see her as a heartless monstor but as someone I feel very sorry for, in my opinion as she lives in poverty, had two children already and no way to care for a third and clearly has mental health issues possibly untreated, as heartbreaking as it is she couldn't care for my wife and the best thing she could do was give her to a family who she thought could. To my wife this is all nonsense. But I really wish she would answer her birth mothers efforts to speak to her.

So it may help, and I know I don't understand fully and I respect that, but it may be disarming to try and see it from a 3rd party. I am not saying your situation is in any way similar so please don't think I am being patronising.

Marcsa · ‎20-05-2016

Hi Greyhound123,

I just tried to write a reply and the computer suddenly made it vanish ! Ugh.

i am sorry your wife find it difficult to come to terms with her Adoption. Every Adoption situation and Adoptee is slightly different. There are a myriad of factors which come into play. Within myself even, I swing from anger to resignation at my biological mother , my Adoptive parents..... Why was I even born ? It's like my life is being stirred in some giant cauldron.

All I can say is to be a supportive partner to your wife. I am sure that is the case. Maybe with patience, your wife will one day choose to be more willing to be in contact with her birthmother. One of my primary reasons for going to meet my Biological mother was that she was not getting any younger and perhaps one day I would regret not meeting her, seeing her for myself , seeing what gestures she had, how she behaved in a physical sense, the atmosphere around her. At least i have done that. even if it wasn't the 'Ah ha' recognition moment.