Narcissist mother in law with dementia

[Barry]

How do you tell your narcissistic mother in law she has signs of dementia?

she does not take criticism well at all, which then leads to a fight, but her forgetfulness then leads to having to tell more often.

we are thinking that she is needing to move out from here and go into full time care, but again this day will be a horror story as she’s not wanting to go into a full time care Home.

she doesn’t socialise well or like to take part in activities, so I can see that it’s not going to be a great time for her, but it’s taking a toll on her daughter, my partner.

[indigo22]

Hello,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I feel for you in this situation. I have a narcissist sister and I know how hard they are to deal with.

For starters, that information should not come from you or your partner, it needs to come from her doctor. That will take both of you out of the firing line.

My mother had some narcissistic tendencies also and she also suffered from dementia. She also said she would not go to a nursing home even for respite to give me a break, though she was quite happy for me to arrange this for my father to give her a break. The narcissist will not think of anyone else and how they are being affected so my suggestion would be to have her cognitive state assessed by her GP, which would need to happen prior to arranging any nursing home so you know what level of care she will need. Once this is known, can I suggest you look into respite care. If this is unfamiliar to you, it is an arrangement where every 8 weeks or so (please be sure to check my time frame as it's been a while), you can book a person into a nursing home for a couple of weeks to give the carer a break. This is a really good way of finding a nursing home that you like and would not be opposed to putting someone into permanently. Not all nursing homes are equal, some are just awful, some are really well run and provide good food and activities for the residents. When visiting, ask yourself if you would be opposed to living there and pay attention to how patients are treated and how happy or unhappy they seem.

I hope this helps and please feel free to continue this conversation if you wish. If you have any questions, I will do my best to answer them.

Take care in the meantime,

indigo

[therising]

Hi Barry

You're obviously a deeply caring person, given how desperate you are to give your partner the relief they need. Your partner's blessed to have you in their life.

'Dementia Australia' is an organisation that can be a good resource when it comes to answering a whole variety of questions a family can have regarding a loved one who's experiencing dementia. When a situation's not cut and dry in relation to dementia, by nature it becomes complex and help can be needed with complex cases.

I think of my 86yo mum who occasionally says 'Tell me if you think I'm developing dementia, so that we can do something about it'. That's cut and dry, based on the fact she doesn't want her kids struggling with a lot of challenges that can come with dementia. She'd prefer to go into aged care than have her kids struggle. My dad, on the other hand has been a very different story. My dad has always been a less feeling and purely logical man (with high functioning autism). Given this, when logic dictates 'You need to put a note on your car's dashboard to remind you to brake, just in case you forget', logically you put a note on the dashboard. If logic dictates 'You only need to eat when you're hungry', logically you'll never eat if you're never hungry. There's a whole list of logical ways my dad was managing before an official diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease.

Indigo's bang on when it comes to the fact that it can take a medical expert and scans to convince a person they have dementia. I just about went out of my mind trying to convince my dad his brain wasn't working the way he thought it was. While my dad has always been a very slim man and had been living on his own for years, we never realised he was starving himself because of the dementia. He ended up malnourished and in hospital, where we requested the medical staff do a brain scan for dementia. It was only then that logic convinced him he needed to enter into assisted living/aged care.

From my own experience, trying to convince a person they have dementia can take you to the brink of insanity. It can create fights, destroy relationships, have you in tears and wanting to scream and more. It can generate so many emotions, such as extreme frustration, anger, grief, moments of absolute despair and the list goes on. It's incredibly important that you and your partner manage your mental, physical, emotional and even soulful sense of wellbeing in the process. With the physical aspect, make sure to take care of your nervous system as the frustrations of dementia run through it.