Difficulties Understanding Treatment

[P12]

Counsellors and psychologists to whom I have spoken have told me to identify my long term goals and strive for their achievement. But my attempts have been unsuccessful because I lack the practical skills for achievement and that has caused me greater dissatisfaction than before I attempted to achieve the goals. What is the reason for this strategy and why are counsellors and psychologists unwilling or unable to give me practical advice?

I identified the technical topic most interesting to me, looked for collaborators, and asked for support to pursue my interest. I found only two people in Australia with similar interests and believe they are unwilling to collaborate with me because by discrediting me their circumstances will improve. The feedback I received about my requests for support is that the topic is not relevant to society. Instead I am expected to perform a job for which I am imperfect and therefore I am excluded because my processes and ideas are different to the industry. Is it true that society's objective is for greater normality and what is the reason for such a strange aspiration? Why does society reject people who are different? Why does society not allow me to pursue my individual interests and talents? What is the purpose of living if society has no use for my talents and the role that society would have me fulfil causes me trauma?

I was told that independence will not cause me long term satisfaction. Yet, as I have tried unsuccessfully for more than ten years to form a friendship, I question this assertion. The prevailing strategy suggested to me for gaining friends is to participate in activities I enjoy as there I am most likely to meet others with similar interests and beliefs. What is the purpose of living if society directs me to one outcome but it cannot provide the means to achieve that outcome? Surely independence is a far more effective solution.

I'm pretty sure I am lonely. I would like to have a friendship or at least feel welcome in society. But my efforts never seem to work. People make suggestions but I must be special because they don't work for me. The harder I try, the more independent I become, because my methods appear stranger to others, and the less liked I become. I really don't understand the society in which I live. I wish I wasn't so sad.

I often cry uncontrollably and am unable to sleep when I realise I will not achieve my desires and there is nothing I can do about it. My life is apparently meaningless.

[P12]

When I reflect on the feedback I received about my speech, I honestly think it was unjust. I think it had an unequal amount of negative and positive feedback and I think it was ultimately wrong. From the perspective of the other person, they were apparently trying to cause me to deliver a speech that was more attractive to their mindset. Obviously if I were able to do that I might be more popular and successful, but as I have been trying for more than a decade without success I think it is ineffective feedback. I think it was like trying to advise a person with an amputated arm to regrow their arm. It is practically impossible. Ultimately it has damaged my respect for the person, so I will ignore them. I understand that in the free market society in which we apparently live a person's highest measure is their reputation.

I have scheduled a new discussion group meeting for next weekend. Now I am waiting to see if others join. I mentioned it to the person who attended the previous event and expressed some interest afterwards (they have not responded yet). I also mentioned it to another person I spoke with during the past two weeks who expressed some interest. Obviously I am hoping that at least one person will attend, though I am also worried that it might not happen.

I am still having difficulty at work. Currently I am mostly exhausted from working more than my contracted hours. I have tried to obtain clarity about additional hours but policies are ambiguous or ultimately apparently support my employer more than me. Similarly, the best strategy I have identified is to persistently point out deficiencies and health and safety violations in the hope that it might cause change. I enquired with a career coach during the week. I am also waiting for the Australian Government's new disability employment assistance programme to begin in November.

Croix, when you mentioned you were a lecturer I am wondering if you could be willing to explain some of the trends occurring in academia in Australia? My experience is that there is simply too few jobs in research and development, so most people do this in their own time, which results in the isolation I experience.

I have scheduled several social activities to attend in the next weeks. I attend as many as I can hoping to meet other people who might be my friend, but I am sad I am apparently not making progress. The last one mostly just made me more burnt out.

I also think I am feeling some delayed trauma from an injury I suffered a few months ago.

The prevailing strategy my psychologist has suggested to me this year is to maintain my beliefs regardless of how much negative feedback I receive from doing so. The trouble is I have little physical evidence to support why this is a valid strategy.

[Croix]

Dear P12~

While I"m sorry you feedback was not all you hope you may find, as I did, that your words need tweaking for best effect. This does not mean you have to change the basic information you wish to impart, simply the presentation. I used ot teach math amongst other things and hte basic content was immutable, it was a matter of capturing interest with the examples that appealed.

I cna understand your psych saying stick to your beliefs, they are part of who you are Who else's could you adopt anyway? The only times mine have changed tend to be when others have pointed out a fault in one of my beliefs, then of course I change. 

ATM universities are busy downsizing and that includes everything from cleaning staff to academics. Research traditionally is underfunded and consequently things htat really do need research can be unfortunately ignored.

When it is done it is expensive, from ethical approval and statistical design  down to  day to day expenses. Much is done by post graduate students and are typically underpaid and do extra work. They do however work in a supervised established framework wiht the prestige of the parent body (uni, CSIRO etc).

To do research completely on one's own is extremely hard, expensive and often not taken sufficiently seriously by academia. Thus not too many venture into that area.

Good luck with next week's meetings

Croix

[P12]

I am looking forward to when I reach retirement age, when (assuming the rules don't change) I can be given a scholarship to study my interests at a university for several years. The government's basic funding of research degrees is I think almost the only way they support individuals to follow their research interests. Unfortunately I need to wait about thirty years before I can do this.

[P12]

Here is an update about my recent activities.

At the moment I am sitting alone in the meeting room of the discussion group event I organised. I feared this would occur. Despite all my effort to plan, advertise, and promote the event, unfortunately no one was interested enough to join. So it means I am left to explore my interests with myself and a computer.

I had a more enjoyable day the previous weekend when three people joined me on a bushwalk I organised.

The past week was fairly exhausting as I worked additional hours. Being awake in the middle of the night for three and a half hours trying to solve work problems is also not helpful for my wellbeing.

The next two weeks will be busy for me. I have three meetings with practitioners scheduled: one with my social coach, one with my clinical psychologist, and one with a workplace support practitioner. I also have five social and developmental events organised.

[Summer Rose]

Hi P12

Thanks for sharing your update. 
Seems like you’ve had some ups and downs recently.
So happy that you had company on your bush walk. Did you enjoy it?

I’ve often had sleepless nights when I’m working intensely on a project or trying to work out a tricky issue. I used to keep a notebook and pen on my nightstand so I wouldn’t have to get out of bed or risk losing an idea.

Hope you get a break from the long hours and that your upcoming appointments are helpful.

Kind thoughts to you