Young adult daughter coping with father's depression

[Nicky1]

I currently have my ex-husband staying with me while he is being treated for depression. He is being admitted to a residential program in 10 days. We have a (now) 24 y.o. daughter who was about 2 when we split. He's staying with me because he has lost all his assets in a business failure and I have a spare room etc. However, his behaviour towards our daughter is concerning me and I am looking for ways to support her. Specifically, this weekend she spent all weekend out with friends (perfectly normal if you're 24!). When she got home tonight, he was angry at her for not spending time with him and said that she wasn't his friend and he didn't love her because she didn't care about him. When it's just me and my daughter at home we pretty much go our own way in the evening, after maybe sharing the day's news over a cup of tea. I'm away from home this week, but am really concerned about the impact my decision to let my ex stay is having on our daughter. (I'm a little bit angry with him too so probably just as well I'm away! We're supposed to be the adults).

So any advice about how I can counsel my daughter to get through the next 10 days would be welcome!

[geoff]

hello NickyMann, welcome to the site in what seems to a confusing situation as to what to do.
There's not many people who would want to take into their home an ex spouse/partner so I admire you for doing this, but it's even harder to explain to someone what depression is and what it does to them in how they behave and what they say, because if they haven't had it themselves then it is so hard to believe all their actions, so it must have been so upsetting for your daughter, but she's now 24 years old, an adult in her own right, but at 2 years of age she wouldn't remember too much, unless there was contact with her father over all this time which I'm not sure of.
He can't really blame her for not spending time with him, because sometimes people are afraid of someone when they are in depression and don't know what to say or what to do because genuinely anything said will not be the right words, and don't forget he is depressed so nothing positive is said, so personally I wouldn't put any blame towards her.
Is there anywhere else he could stay and if there is then I would suggest he move there, especially as Im not sure of what type of relationship he and his daughter have.
Don't forget that you and your daughter seem to have a great relationship but now it's been disturbed and that's not good.
You have to remember that he is going into a residential program but that won't be forever, maybe a few weeks/months but then he will be released so it's going to be a long haul and if he does stay with you then you may have problems and this will hurt your daughter.
I'm not trying to be mean to your ex, but now your own interests are what you have to consider. Geoff. x

[romantic_thi3f]

HI Nicky1,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out.

I'm sorry to hear that your ex is having such a tough time and I hope that the residential facility will be able to give him the care he needs. I can imagine it must be frustrating.

Do you know how much insight your daughter has into mental illness? Helping her to understand what's happening with your ex might be very helpful; knowing that what's happening isn't in anyway her fault, and that even though it's making your ex angry - it's certainly not who he is or his intentions. BeyondBlue do have some resources on the website - just go to 'The Facts' on the top of the page and scroll to depression.

It might also be helpful to be open to ways that she needs to cope with these changes to her routine; whether it's being alone more, having conversations with a counsellor or even just being able to vent in a safe space. She may also find it useful to separate herself from your ex, by staying with her friend or a family member; as this way she is able to focus on her study/work. Particularly as this is only a temporary situation.

I'm wondering too if it might be helpful to set some boundaries; whether it's telling your ex that saying certain things is 'not okay' or trying to help create some space - so that people aren't getting in each others way potentially creating more conflict. This may mean you and your ex going for a walk to get out of the house or having certain rooms for different spaces - i.e. this room is for TV/music (loud) and this is a space for quieter things like reading or talking.

Hope this helps

[Nicky1]

Thanks- that's all useful advice. Although we lived in different states, my daughter did have regular contact with her dad through out her childhood. He wants to have a really close relationship with her, but she feels overwhelmed by his "neediness". She's like me, so is pretty self contained. She scored a really cool job out of uni and is working long hours to make her mark. This mean that when she comes home she's tired and just wants to relax or hang out with friends. I spoke to her dad today, he just wants a close friend and doesn't understand that it probably won't be his daughter. My suggestion to him was to see if the two of them could go to his psychologist together to try and build a common understanding of what a health father / daughter relationship would be. My suggestion to her was to tap into her employer's Employee Assistance Program, to get some understanding of what is going on and maybe some ways to handle his negative behaviour. So hopefully, each of them will think about how they can relate to each other.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Nicky1

Yes that sounds like a great idea. The EAP is a great service to help people link-in with some help.

I hope that it will be useful to you.

Best,