Wife to someone suffering from mental illness

[Summa_Jane]

My husband has just suffered a relapse on his depression and anxiety after almost 10 years of it being manageable.

I feel hopeless that I cannot seem to pull him through this and I cannot begin to understand what he is going through. He has had suicidal thoughts, which scare me to death!

If anyone is comfortable to share their experiences, be it someone in my position or his, I really appreciate it. I would also love some suggestions on what i can do to support him whilst he goes through his treatment plan.

[Croix]

Dear Summa Jane~

I'd like to welcome you here and say I can understand a lot of what you are going though. I never had a depressed or suicidal partner, I was the one who was ill - like you husband and my wife was the one that had to deal with it.

It would be a confusing, frustrating and frightening time for you, with no rule-book to follow and only limited ways to help anyway. The first thing to ensure is that you yourself have support. Do you have a family member or a friend you can talk with who will understand a bit about what you are going though? (full understanding would be highly unlikely) Talking and being supported is necessary for most. You might like to see your own GP if things start to get on top of you.

If you feel lost or overwhelmed ring the exact same numbers as your husband should if he is thinking of taking his life. Those numbers are for family and those that are close too. Our 24/7 Help Line (1300 22 4636), The Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467 ), Lifeline (13,11,14). All operate around the clock.

OK, in relation to your husband. Firstly encourage him to seek as much medical support as possible, if his doctors do not know how he is feeling he cannot get the right treatment. It's OK to talk to him and mention suicide. For me it was a relief. Just be supportive and non-judgmental, try to make the talk soothing and as comfortable as possible.

It's up to you to judge how much to talk. I found too much at times was a source of anger and irritation, even though I was sort of watching myself and feeling guilty for not treating my wife better at the same time. Often just being nearby in another room could be a comfort - I guess everyone reacts a bit differently.

I wold suggest you help him fill in the smartphone app BeyondNow which has activities, routines, people and numbers. Something very easy for him to reach for if he is frightened he might kill himself. It's a good thing.

It, together with instructions on a whole safety plan is here:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

Also look at:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning/information-for-family-and-friends

I'd recommend the safety plan idea plus the app. It's best to do these in conjunction with another. I found I did not know myself nearly well enough, it took another's knowledge of me to make the most of things.

I'd really like it if you came back and talked more

Croix

[geoff]

hello Summa Jane, welcome to the site, and what Croix has said pretty well says it all, maybe I can only add to his comments.
I've been there myself many times and I know how terrible it is to revisit the black hole, not only for myself but for a couple of close friends and family, most who lived at least a couple of hours away.
If at all you are worried about him hurting have no hesitation in ringing the police, they will take him to hospital under the mental health act to keep him safe, secondly remove any objects that you feel he could use if that's what he may have mentioned, and thirdly book an appointment with his doctor/psych.
I know that this must be devastating for not only you but also for your husband who believed that it wouldn't return, that's the sad part to all of this because once you have had depression it remains with you, even though life maybe travelling well, there could always be a trigger that has been ignited again or perhaps something new has now come forward.
As much as you want to talk with him it may not be appropriate, because too many questions/queries frustrates someone with depression, because he won't have any answers, and when he does recover he may not know why it happened, but just say something to end the discussion.
What did you do last time this happened, and if I've doubled any comment that Croix has made I'm sorry, but hope to hear back from you. Geoff.

[kanga_brumby]

Hello Jane both Croix and Geoff have given great advice. I have been in a similar position to yourself where my partner had sever depression, and tried on a few occasions tried to commit Suicide. Fortunately I got to her each time and brought her back to a better reality. All I can add to whats been said is just be there for him>

Kanga

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi Summa,

Sorry to hear what you and your partner are going through. Support him by letting him know that you'll be there for him no matter what. You could also ask him if you could chat to someone implementing his treatment program, maybe they will have some suggestions on how you can help him out. It's really important that his close family become involved in his recovery. Don't forget to look after yourself too during this time.