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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Wonder_Wife Newbie - husband with mental illness & marijuana use
  • replies: 4

I'm new here but hope by reaching out via this forum might help. I've been married for 8 years and my husband has always smoked marijuana since way before we met. I didn't have a problem with it socially but he smoked more days than not. He has been ... View more

I'm new here but hope by reaching out via this forum might help. I've been married for 8 years and my husband has always smoked marijuana since way before we met. I didn't have a problem with it socially but he smoked more days than not. He has been the stay at home dad for the past 18 months while I work full time. We agreed on this arrangement to save on childcare. But I always wanted him to return to work once our children went to school which they now are. He has always been controlling and emotionally abusive. About 8 months ago we had a blow up and he started preaching . But he also started spending time watching lots of shows online about higher beings etc. and believes he has found ancient techniques from which he will transform into a lighter being. 3 weeks ago I took him to the hospital hoping I could get them to prove to him that he was imagining it and to cut a long story short he is now under a Community Order and on medication. He is furious with the situation and still believes in his abilities and the higher beings. But he is also refusing to stop smoking, angry at me for not supporting his beliefs and continually threatening to leave me and the children. And I harbour thoughts this might be the best thing for us all. But I also worry as he has no one else. And I want to help him get better. But I'm not sure even if we get the mental illness under control whether he will always just be a controlling emotionally abusive man that I am better to leave now with my young children.

Linda27 Husband has anxiety, depression and possible PTSD
  • replies: 8

I'm after some advice/help on dealing with my husband. He has depression and anxiety (both diagnosed) and the more i read about PTSD, the more i think he has it. He has been in the defence force for 10 years and served overseas twice. Last year he ha... View more

I'm after some advice/help on dealing with my husband. He has depression and anxiety (both diagnosed) and the more i read about PTSD, the more i think he has it. He has been in the defence force for 10 years and served overseas twice. Last year he had a friend with PTSD commit suicide. He was receiving help through the forces, but has stopped as he no longer wants to be medically downgraded. So i'm not sure exactly what he did or didn't tell them. He was on medication, but that made him angry, which just made things worse. He has problems with alcohol and is currently on a low after a big night last week. Coffee is also a problem. Things are getting worse, not better. We have an 8 month old son and very few friends near by. Even when he is home, he is not really here. He is still currently on sleep medication, even though he told them he had stopped. He is over sensitive to noise, on the weekend he was getting angry saying i was slamming the car door (on purpose to annoy him). He could not understand i would not purposefully do something to annoy him. He swore at me and called me an idiot. I'm scared he will lash out one day. I asked him what makes him happy and he said being alone. Has anybody been through this? As either the person or their partner? I really don't know what to do.

Luvgreentea 13 years together, and now he wants a space to sort things out
  • replies: 7

Hello all How are you? I moved to this country to be with my partner. We were just like any other couples - we fought, made up, have fun times together, spoke of 'eventual' kids, etc. In 2009, he started to exhibit the symptoms of depression. He trie... View more

Hello all How are you? I moved to this country to be with my partner. We were just like any other couples - we fought, made up, have fun times together, spoke of 'eventual' kids, etc. In 2009, he started to exhibit the symptoms of depression. He tried medication, but it did not seem to help him with depression much. Then the depression went into a remission. Or maybe it has always been there and neither of us really did not notice, or maybe it was just me because he may have hidden it from me as well. In 2014, he started to exhibit irritability and sadness again. So we took a trip overseas, back to my home country, and he enjoyed the two weeks we have stayed there. Then it started to become downhill. His symptoms became worse and worse. I encouraged him to visit a GP again and this time he found a psychologist that he seemed to click with. He tried few more meds but could not seem to find the right one working for him as of yet. He just mainly sticks to counseling for now. He dropped a bombshell on me on Wednesday night. I came home from work and he was very ill, so I left him alone to sleep. Around 10pm, I woke to him becoming restless in the living room, so I went in and he told me. He has been sleeping in a separate room for over a month because he was having a problem with insomnia and any tiny movement that i have made in my sleep has caused him to not be able to relax. That was when he has told me that he could not live like this anymore and wanted to move out to sort things out, and he has already rented an apartment just few meters down from where we were currently at. He was feeling sick all day because he thought I was going to lose it at him. Logically, I know it is a right thing to do to let him go and sort this out own his own. After all, it is NOT my job to make him better. I broke down and started to cry and he said it was not fair for me to deal with a broken man, and he would have cried if he still could of because he was just as devastated. Next day when I came back from work, I have told him that it was admirable of him for wanting to tackle his depression. I will send him off with a smile because I really love him and do not want him to be discouraged by me being weak. But god, when will tears stop? I have been hiding them from him in fear of making him feel even more bad. I know he did not mean it for me to get hurt but I feel so lost. I just pray everyday now for him to get better soon. That's the least I can do.

Had_enough How to cope with daughter that just doesn't seem to be getting better
  • replies: 1

I have a 20 year old daughter who has severe depression and anxiety and has been unwell for 2.5 years now. She got depressed when she finished school but prior to that had been very normal, sociable, and loved to dance. She has been having profession... View more

I have a 20 year old daughter who has severe depression and anxiety and has been unwell for 2.5 years now. She got depressed when she finished school but prior to that had been very normal, sociable, and loved to dance. She has been having professional help since she has been unwell (psychology and anti depressants - has been on 4 different ADs) and whilst she is perhaps a little bit better (which I think is only due to the maturity that 2.5 years brings), she is in no way back to her normal self and lives a totally different life to her peers. We have spared no expense and feel like we have tried everything for her - counsellors, career counsellors, holidays, work experience, moved out of home, moved back home, went to uni, work, exercise, healthy eating ) but she is just not better. I get so disheartened and feel that maybe she is never going to get better and will have a residual disability as it's been so long now. We live in a town where most of the young people move away to go to uni (all her friends and even her younger sister have left) but she is still at home, she got a really high ATAR in year 12 and could do anything at uni but she has no ambition, no direction and just wants to live at home with me. I am finding it really hard as I am emotionally exhausted, probably grieving the normal daughter that I once had and am now at the point where I dread being around her and am even avoiding her as I am losing my tolerance and patience. She is very clingy and dependent on me which I am finding really annoying, especially considering her age. she recently went away for a few days and I felt so good being away from her and doing my own thing. She had an OK time away, although had a panic attack and came back saying she would never want to live there. I am exhausted and have lost hope and I am on my own with her as my husband works away and my other daughter has moved away to uni. Its just so sad to see her, especially considering the potential that she had when she left school. I am all she has and if I am not coping she has no one. I've seen counsellors and psychologists about this to try to get some coping strategies. is there anything I can do to help her get better or if she's not going to better soon, how can I cope or what approach can I take to help me cope and support her rather than want to avoid her?

Simone12 Exhausted Carer
  • replies: 7

My daughter is now 27 and was initially diagnosed with depression when she was 16 and was medicated after talking with a counsellor. She has since had 2 suicide attempts and another recent admission for a psychosis subsequently thought to have been b... View more

My daughter is now 27 and was initially diagnosed with depression when she was 16 and was medicated after talking with a counsellor. She has since had 2 suicide attempts and another recent admission for a psychosis subsequently thought to have been brought on by stress. She has had extensive amounts of counseling. Her most recent diagnosis is bipolar but she has also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She has lived out of home for a short period but is now living back home after one of her suicide attempts. I live on my own but have in recent years been in a long distance relationship seeing my partner every few weeks - we are hoping that long term we will live together. At the moment I work full time and do lots of things to help myself such as cycling, walking, meditating and counseling from time to time. What I am finding hard is the effect her mood has on mine - I find myself walking home at the end of the day wondering if she will be lying in her darkened room (I am however grateful she does do part time work). I really don't want to go home a lot of the time as I know that on top of feeling worried a lot of the time, my heart sinks even lower if she is in her bed or in an obvious low mood. Recently she was in a relationship and she was at times the happiest I have seen her in a long while but that has become somewhat uncertain and I worry how she will cope if it completely ends. I feel very conflicted with wanting to have my relationship with my partner and my support for her when she needs it - unfortunately it makes me feel quite resentful. I feel there are very few occasions when I can feel completely at ease. It is often hard to switch off my feelings at work. How do other people cope - it all feels so bleak at times - she knows in theory the things she needs to do to look after herself but just doesn't do it. It is hard to be under the same roof and see someone eat so poorly and not exercise but I hold my tongue as she just tells me how much it annoys her and makes her feel like doing the opposite if I make any gentle suggestions. I feel so sad that she has put on so much weight. I try to be a role model and take good care of my health but I am constantly in an anxious state and my sleep is poor. How do others on their own deal with these mixed emotions, feelings of helplessness and no optimism for the future?

Jacks86 My sister's struggle
  • replies: 1

Hi, My sister has suffered from depression and anxiety since she was 12 years old. I myself also struggle with these disorders yet not to my sister's extent. the last 2 years has been a total rollercoaster for my sister who has 2 children and a husba... View more

Hi, My sister has suffered from depression and anxiety since she was 12 years old. I myself also struggle with these disorders yet not to my sister's extent. the last 2 years has been a total rollercoaster for my sister who has 2 children and a husband. I seem to have become my sister's "safe zone", she depends on me enormously to give her support and encouragement when she has an episode of intense anxiety which has involved domestic violence, police and DHS. They only assist in the short term. As much as I have tried to be there for my sister on a daily basis, I have felt myself pulling away from her as my own anxiety from these situations is starting to get out of control. this week my sister cancelled plans with me for lunch said she was sick but then an hour later said she wasn't sick just sad and wanted to stay at my house. I tried to call her but no answer. I texted her saying to come to my place but she cannot stay as she needs to not runway but face what the real issues at home are. I have been trying to convince my sister and her husband that they need to go to marriage counselling and individual counselling but neither of them do anything to change their situation. I said i am hear to listen and hug her but she needs to make changes as this cannot continue. My sister just felt like I was not understanding her and picking the side of her husband. my sister ends up swearing at me and telling me to leave her alone. so much anger from her. I am feeling at a loss. when a text message comes through to my phone, I feel nausea and I get a tight chest and my heart starts pounding. I fear what the words will be. I worry about my niece and nephew and also the safety of my sister. I have the selfish desire to just walk away as I feel what I have been putting into helping my sister these past years has not helped her anyway and she wont listen to any opinion or advice. Does anyone think that I should ask my sister to enrol in counselling before I go back to being a part of her life? is this wrong for me to use my presence as a way to get her to seek professional help (which she has done many times in the past but always quits when she doesn't like what the counsellor says)? I am lost. I don't know if I should choose myself over her and step away completely from her life and in turn lose the relationship of a sister and ill lose my niece and nephew at the same time. Any guidance would be appreciated. thank you

Aranel Partner has been admitted for depression, says he hates and blames me for being there
  • replies: 2

On Tuesday afternoon I managed to convince my partner to go to ED after he'd told me he'd tried to hurt himself the night before. After lots of waiting be talked to a doctor and then a psychiatrist and they decided to keep him overnight. In the morni... View more

On Tuesday afternoon I managed to convince my partner to go to ED after he'd told me he'd tried to hurt himself the night before. After lots of waiting be talked to a doctor and then a psychiatrist and they decided to keep him overnight. In the morning he got moved to the mental health unit and has deteriorated from there. He's bored and hates it there, basically is just trying to sleep through the experience. When I visited today he was really angry and told me it's my fault because he moved here and got his job for me and I'm the one who made him go to the hospital. He also said being in there just makes him feel like killing himself more because he feels trapped. He asked me not to come back for the afternoon visiting session and I didn't because I honestly don't think I could have dealt with that again. I don't know what to do for him and I just needed to share. I thought him getting more help would make me feel better about him being safe but I honestly just feel awful.

Rawnblade99 Don't know what to do - supporting friend who has depression
  • replies: 4

Hi, Thanks for reading. I do not have depression but my friends do. They are on medication (have changed medication a few times) and have suffered depression approximately 15 years or so Things escalated recently when a pet went missing after being c... View more

Hi, Thanks for reading. I do not have depression but my friends do. They are on medication (have changed medication a few times) and have suffered depression approximately 15 years or so Things escalated recently when a pet went missing after being cared for by friends/family and they havent been well since (obviously the loss of a pet is significant) but they seem to be in a slump and there is no way to get them out of it. They are seeing doctors weekly, and medication is involved. We catch up occasionally and just talk/listen for hours which is fine and during that time its a rollercoaster of emotions and I'm afraid I'll say something that makes them snap. I feel quite helpless that I cant help them overcome this grief/anger/emotionless that seems to consume them so they can feel not happy but not sad if that makes sense. Their medication dulls their emotions as such and I can't always tell if they're being sarcastic or not so anything they say that is offensive or gives me concern I try to put it down to them being sarcastic, but at the end of the day I feel like there is still some truth in it. The personal attacks I can endure but its the other little comments that give me concern. I feel like the doctors aren't doing anything to help which I know is really unfair, as my friend is someone who doesn't open up but I know in all professions there are some good ones and some bad ones I cant help but think some of the comments they've mentioned their doctor say is rather unprofessional. My friend isn't one to talk about their problems to strangers let alone a doctor (they don't like doctors) Anyway, it is taking a toll on me, I also have quite a number of other friends who have depression who talk to me and sometimes I just feel like everyone talks to me about it and I am no expert. I listen and I listen but sometimes I feel like its too much but I don't want to ignore them because that will just make it worse. Reading these and googling helps sometimes but sometimes I just feel like I'm drowning in other peoples problems and I just don't know what to do. Occasionally when it gets too much I have a panic/anxiety attack and just cry and can't breathe and I have to turn all the lights on and the tv to help me calm down. It hasn't happened in a while as I can often feel myself on the edge and try to calm myself down before it hits but occasionally I don't do it early enough/can't control it. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Sadandconfused Partner "broke up with new" due to his depression
  • replies: 1

Hi All, My long term partner recently broke up with me after his counsellor suggested he wasn't going to be able to heal his depression until his life became much simpler. My partner is 40 and I am 28, throughout our relationship we have been incredi... View more

Hi All, My long term partner recently broke up with me after his counsellor suggested he wasn't going to be able to heal his depression until his life became much simpler. My partner is 40 and I am 28, throughout our relationship we have been incredibly co dependent (him more so than me). He has suffered from depression all of his life and describes this period as the worst one yet (it's been 2months) The counsellor suggested that he create 'space' in his life, space to get better and tackle the depression once and for all. I was devastated that our relationship became collateral damage but I truly love and adore him and want to help in any way to create an environment for him to heal. Since the break up (only a week ago) I have seen him once, he dropped some of my things around and invited me back to his place for a coffee. We then snuggled and kissed, made love and communicated that while this is not a 'want' it is a 'need'. He said one of his biggest driving forces to getting better is so that he can have me back in his life, so that we may have a future together again. He says that he can't imagine me not being in his life and that he loves me so so much. During his last visit, he sat awkwardly in front of me and said 'can I ask you a question?' At first I was afraid of what he was going to ask but said yes, hesitantly. He then asked (in a really awkward and almost child like way) 'I was just wondering if you'd like to spend the night with me on Sunday' (it was currently Thursday) To which i replied 'I would love to' He said it was hard for him not to ask me to spend every night with him at the moment and that he was forcing himself to create space from me. I desperately want to be a part of his healing and to reap the rewards of a nourishing relationship with him at the end, but Im scared. I must admit, In the past, I tend to take the easy option and run from my problems... and selfishly I am temped. What if I wait, show support and after all that turmoil - he doesn't want me? I'm confused as we technically 'broke up' but when we are together we wrap each other up and exist in a world of intimacy that we are both equally hungry for. not sure what he is wanting or trying to achieve and I'm equally unsure as to what I should do - this is very very hard - the uncertainty, the fear, the void. We dont FEEL over, my heart still belongs to him and I truly love and adore him. Could this be temporary? Should I have faith and wait? Thanks x

love_of_baking Feel so lost, l dont know what to do
  • replies: 7

Hi everyone, My partner has severe depression and l dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to lose him but I'm not sure if I'm coping too well. Im not the best with words in stressful situations so never know what to say to him half the time and w... View more

Hi everyone, My partner has severe depression and l dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to lose him but I'm not sure if I'm coping too well. Im not the best with words in stressful situations so never know what to say to him half the time and when he is really having a bad day I get so emotional and cant help but cry, I try my best to not let him see because I dont want to make him feel any worse but I cant stop myself from crying no matter how hard l try. I just hate that he has to go through this. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say, my emotions are just killing me today