How to cope with daughter that just doesn't seem to be getting better

[Had_enough]

I have a 20 year old daughter who has severe depression and anxiety and has been unwell for 2.5 years now. She got depressed when she finished school but prior to that had been very normal, sociable, and loved to dance. She has been having professional help since she has been unwell (psychology and anti depressants - has been on 4 different ADs) and whilst she is perhaps a little bit better (which I think is only due to the maturity that 2.5 years brings), she is in no way back to her normal self and lives a totally different life to her peers. We have spared no expense and feel like we have tried everything for her - counsellors, career counsellors, holidays, work experience, moved out of home, moved back home, went to uni, work, exercise, healthy eating ) but she is just not better. I get so disheartened and feel that maybe she is never going to get better and will have a residual disability as it's been so long now. We live in a town where most of the young people move away to go to uni (all her friends and even her younger sister have left) but she is still at home, she got a really high ATAR in year 12 and could do anything at uni but she has no ambition, no direction and just wants to live at home with me. I am finding it really hard as I am emotionally exhausted, probably grieving the normal daughter that I once had and am now at the point where I dread being around her and am even avoiding her as I am losing my tolerance and patience. She is very clingy and dependent on me which I am finding really annoying, especially considering her age. she recently went away for a few days and I felt so good being away from her and doing my own thing. She had an OK time away, although had a panic attack and came back saying she would never want to live there. I am exhausted and have lost hope and I am on my own with her as my husband works away and my other daughter has moved away to uni. Its just so sad to see her, especially considering the potential that she had when she left school. I am all she has and if I am not coping she has no one. I've seen counsellors and psychologists about this to try to get some coping strategies. is there anything I can do to help her get better or if she's not going to better soon, how can I cope or what approach can I take to help me cope and support her rather than want to avoid her?

[Croix]

Dear Had enough~

Welcome. You sound a strong person, and resourceful. You also sound as if this very heavy burden is getting to you as your daughter suffering for so long without what appears to be no great improvement. Sadness and frustration too as you have done everything a loving and thoughtful parent could.

Unfortunately mental illness is not a cut and dried matter, with differences as to how people respond to treatment - and life. With the treatments and support you have provided I'm not sure what more you can do in that avenue. Maybe that is something between your daughter and the medical professionals

In your own case you have been sensible and sought professional help to - very wise. Unfortunately as the basic situation, the pressure on you, has not changed things have not improved for you. Getting to the stage of dreading being around her does mean matters need altering.

I do have one suggestion. Living together is a two-person deal (I'm just talking about you and your daughter and leaving everyone else aside for now). Although as a parent you feel love and responsibility for your daughter she is part of the equation. I would try to enlist her support in looking after you by making her understand your thoughts and feelings and the long term effect it is having on you and seeing what she can do to help.

I'm sure this could be done in a non-accusatory gentle manner where you point out it is a journey you both have to travel and supporting each other is the only practical thing to do.

I remember years ago when I was in a particularly bad state everything fell to me partner, who had to cope, look after me, the child and work. Even in my remote state it felt terrible to know I was a burden and not looking after my loved ones. As time went on and I improved I was able to help, love, support more. This ability to help made me feel more worthy, more able, more as I should be.

Perhaps letting your daughter know you are vulnerable could change things - what do you think?

Please feel very free to keep posting and talk more

Croix