13 years together, and now he wants a space to sort things out

[Luvgreentea]

Hello all
How are you?

I moved to this country to be with my partner. We were just like any other couples - we fought, made up, have fun times together, spoke of 'eventual' kids, etc.

In 2009, he started to exhibit the symptoms of depression. He tried medication, but it did not seem to help him with depression much.
Then the depression went into a remission. Or maybe it has always been there and neither of us really did not notice, or maybe it was just me because he may have hidden it from me as well.

In 2014, he started to exhibit irritability and sadness again. So we took a trip overseas, back to my home country, and he enjoyed the two weeks we have stayed there.

Then it started to become downhill. His symptoms became worse and worse. I encouraged him to visit a GP again and this time he found a psychologist that he seemed to click with. He tried few more meds but could not seem to find the right one working for him as of yet. He just mainly sticks to counseling for now.

He dropped a bombshell on me on Wednesday night. I came home from work and he was very ill, so I left him alone to sleep. Around 10pm, I woke to him becoming restless in the living room, so I went in and he told me. He has been sleeping in a separate room for over a month because he was having a problem with insomnia and any tiny movement that i have made in my sleep has caused him to not be able to relax.
That was when he has told me that he could not live like this anymore and wanted to move out to sort things out, and he has already rented an apartment just few meters down from where we were currently at. He was feeling sick all day because he thought I was going to lose it at him.

Logically, I know it is a right thing to do to let him go and sort this out own his own. After all, it is NOT my job to make him better.
I broke down and started to cry and he said it was not fair for me to deal with a broken man, and he would have cried if he still could of because he was just as devastated.

Next day when I came back from work, I have told him that it was admirable of him for wanting to tackle his depression. I will send him off with a smile because I really love him and do not want him to be discouraged by me being weak.

But god, when will tears stop? I have been hiding them from him in fear of making him feel even more bad. I know he did not mean it for me to get hurt but I feel so lost.
I just pray everyday now for him to get better soon. That's the least I can do.

[kanga_brumby]

Luvgreentea Welcome to forums thanks for you post in this hard time for yourself. As you have said the best thing you can do is give him space. Just be there supporting him and help when he asks for it. In areas he is comfortable with. it will be hard, but you can do it. I rely hope things work out for the both of you.

Kanga

[Croix]

Dear Luvgreentea~

Welcome to the Forum. You are going though a horrible and confusing time with no previous experience or guide as to what to do. It would be terribly upsetting for you.

I would suggest you have a balancing act to do. I'll say why I think so in a minute. Can you let your husband know that you are greatly saddened, that you miss him, that you want him back, and at the same time you are strong enough to bear it all and are there for him?

I've been on the other side and remember not being able to tell if I loved, if I was capable of love, that I had failed, there was no real way for things to get better and my loved ones would be better off not having to deal with me. I wanted to get away from it all, and either cried too much or not at all. I was divorced from my feelings and self.

I'm better now, partly because of medical support, and partly because of my then wife. She exhibited the characteristics I asked you if you could do. You are right in saying you cannot cure you husband, but you can greatly support, and that is the start - well it was for me anyway.

If he is already receiving good medical attention then it is time to look after your own welfare. Going through such a time of grief, stress and uncertainty puts an awfully large load on you, and this in turn can wear you right down.

So I'd suggest having a long talk with your GP and setting out things. If possible have a talk with your husband's medical team too (he would have to ok that). Ask advice.

You too need support. I know you said you came from overseas. Do you have anyone you can talk to, that will care and want to support you? Even talking on the phone to home might be a help. We do have a 24/7 help line here, and the sound of a sensible human voice can work wonders - don't hesitate to call.

If you need information abut any aspect of depression The Facts menu above has it, and you could also look here in this Forum to see how others in this situation have coped.

It would be great if you could talk more and say how you are going

Croix

[Luvgreentea]

Dear kanga brumby,

Thank you so much for your reply and kind words.

Giving support, that I can do. Separation or no, this is the man who is #1 in my life. How often do you suggest that I contact him? Should I leave him alone and wait until he initiate the contact? I know he prefers quietness when he comes back from work because going to work is taking a lot out of him already.

I do not want to look clingy or co-dependant, but at the same time, want him to know that I will be here for him to give support.

Thank you.

[Luvgreentea]

Dear Croix,

Thank you so much for your reply.

Yes, I have told him that I am saddened to see him go (hence the tears) but I do want him to put his well being as a priority instead of putting other's first like he always does. If he feels this is the best chance for him to get better, then I give him my blessing. I have also told him that I will be here for him if he needs anything, and will see him off with a smile. I know it will be an uphill battle for him from now on, and I do not want him to be discouraged. He appreciated hearing those words.

He says we will definitely keep in touch and if I need any help, I can ask for help anytime as well. He also thinks this may help our relationship in the long run.

We did go furniture shopping together for his place yesterday. Part of me was sad to see it actually happening, but part of me was also happy that actually including me in his life decisions.
Maybe he decided to share this because it is easier to do so with me. He says his family does not understand his depression much at all.

Thank you so much for telling me about how the other side feels too. My partner says exactly the same thing - that he cannot feel any emotion at all, no tears, no joy, no anger. When I started to cry after hearing the news, he looked at me and said if he could have cried, he would have with me right now because it was not an easy decision to make.

I do plan to go see my GP and if I can get some grief counselling as well.
I plan to exercise and look after myself while he sort things out too.
I will contact the 24/7 help line too, thank you so much for letting me know.

I prefer not to let my family know, though. They will see it as a 'shame' and might suggest that I leave the country and come back and cut all ties with him.

I just wish I have an idea when the 'date' of his return will be. But alas, it is out of my hands, and that is something only he can work it out.

I continue to pray and wish for his fast recovery.

[Luvgreentea]

I have stopped crying but now I am getting angry...
I do not know why I am so angry at him...

Maybe this is the 5 stage of Grief & Loss that I am going through now...

I know there is no point of getting angry at him, I understand that logically. He is suffering from an illness and wants to do this to get better.

[Croix]

Dear Luvgreentea~

I'm no expert on stages of grief, I do know anger and resentment is human and to be expected.

People you talk to one day who have just heard of the illness or death of a loved one and are sad, the next week they are angry and full of blame for the doctor, the driver, whomever, maybe deserved, maybe not.

I repeatedly felt unreasoning anger and resentment at my wife when she tried tot get me out of a rather trance-like state with PTSD & anxiety. Not deserved, I knew it.

So you have it now. It simply means it is a very unfair situation, almost impossible to deal with. I'd be surprised if you did not feel it. Logic has nothing to do with it.

I've no real suggestions as to what to do about it. I know in a very different situation I held mine in due to concern about my wife. It passed.

Don't hesitate to sing out anytime you need to talk, and remember the Help Line is there for a human voice.

Croix

[Luvgreentea]

Thank you so much Croix.

He did tell me that he has no idea if living alone and sorting things out will help him get better, but he does not know unless he tries.
He has also told me that he could not ask me to wait for him because it would be incredibly selfish of him to ask as he has no idea how long it will take for him to get better.

A lot of people who have heard about our separation got really surprised too - because we were so happy together, but I suppose depression does destroy relationships...

I might ring the help line soon. I want to talk someone who is not him. He cannot deal with emotions and I do not want to stress him out at all.

Thank you again, Croix. You are so kind.