Husband has anxiety, depression and possible PTSD

[Linda27]

I'm after some advice/help on dealing with my husband. He has depression and anxiety (both diagnosed) and the more i read about PTSD, the more i think he has it. He has been in the defence force for 10 years and served overseas twice. Last year he had a friend with PTSD commit suicide. He was receiving help through the forces, but has stopped as he no longer wants to be medically downgraded. So i'm not sure exactly what he did or didn't tell them. He was on medication, but that made him angry, which just made things worse. He has problems with alcohol and is currently on a low after a big night last week. Coffee is also a problem. Things are getting worse, not better. We have an 8 month old son and very few friends near by. Even when he is home, he is not really here. He is still currently on sleep medication, even though he told them he had stopped. He is over sensitive to noise, on the weekend he was getting angry saying i was slamming the car door (on purpose to annoy him). He could not understand i would not purposefully do something to annoy him. He swore at me and called me an idiot. I'm scared he will lash out one day. I asked him what makes him happy and he said being alone. Has anybody been through this? As either the person or their partner? I really don't know what to do.

[MarkJT]

Linda, as a member of the emergency services and having being diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety I am pretty familiar with what you have posted.

It is quite common that people will stop treatment as they are scared of work repercussions. The best way around this is to keep being treated but go to the GP, get a mental health plan and seek out a new psych that way. It is not ideal, far from it but your hubby needs to be treated. He (and you) needs to know if he has PTSD so that can be treated.

He needs to remove the things that are dangerous to him and by the look of it that is alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant and will not fix things, only a small respite from the darkness but when he comes down off it, it is often worse than before. It is difficult for someone in your position to tell him to stop drinking as he may not see it as an issue however has he got a mate or two that could have a chat to him? That is after you have, which you may already have? When we have PTSD, our brains are not thinking to straight and this is where mates can come into play to help you out. It is NOT you not being powerful enough to do it at all, it is just another tool for you to use.

The anger associated with PTSD is volcanic. I have lashed out at people for next to no reason and have had little control over it. I can almost guarentee that the anger he has displayed is not intentional. It sounds like he may have it but as I am not a clinician, I cannot diagnose which is why he needs to get that formal opinion. It is excessively difficult not to take things personally, but again, it is not your hubby talking, it is the depression, anxiety and maybe PTSD.

Has you hubby deployed overseas? No need to answer if you are not comfortable answering but I had exposure therapy which was brutal to go through but at the same time, I am very happy i did as it allowed me to sleep. Over time, I developed the confidence that i was not going to have nightmares so i was able to relax and that has made an incredible difference for me.

I know i am repeating myself again, but your hubby needs to be treated. He will not outrun a mental health condition without treatment and if meds are part of that treatment, then he has to get used to that idea.

Please do not hesitate to post back with more questions, only to happy to help where i can.

Mark.

[Croix]

Dear Linda27~
I’m glad you came here to the Forum as there are many here who have similar experiences and are here to help.

I’m an ex-policeman and was invalided out with PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression. I’m in a much better state now, thanks to medical treatment, family support, a change of environment and time.

I’ve said all that so you have some idea about me. Reading your post was a bit like being in a time-warp and listening to what my wife might have said – except not the alcohol.

I went through the same thought-process as your husband, trapped by not wanting to believe or accept the seriousness of my condition; in part because I did not think there would be anything for me if I left the job. As it turned out I had no choice and left it to the stage where I could not work and was, as I said, invalided out.

While I’m not a doctor and could not properly say what is wrong with your husband I can say I had periods where I thought about past events to the exclusion of all else, was bad tempered, resentful, unreasonable, remote and withdrawn both from other people and also myself, slept poorly with nightmares, blamed myself and felt a failure for my work and family, wanted to not go to work, be alone, and very jumpy. Also very controlling with finances and activities. There are more but you get the idea.

My wife bore the brunt of all this, having to put up with me as well as go to work, look after our offspring and the house doing all the day to day chores. At first she was completely bewildered and tended to blame herself. However when things were finally sorted out she was able to see the situation accurately. She was a tower of strength.

Frankly I think your husband needs to talk to the appropriate section of the forces and be open, getting properly diagnose and not withholding anything. In my case by leaving things it made treatment that much harder. I’m not sure you can do much more than try to steer him in this direction and be as supportive as you can (which can, if he is like I was, be most difficult).

You also need support yourself, I suggest seeing your GP and explain things. Do you have any family or friends you can talk to who can help?

I’ve probably said enough for now.

The Facts menu above has a section on Anxiety, Depression and PTSD which you might find helpful. You may also find seeing how others here in this Forum have got on of use too.

Please post again and talk more

Croix

[Linda27]

Hi Mark,

Thank you for your response. He has been deployed overseas twice. He has been to the GP also as he may also have adhd and apparently that's a big no no in the defence force. So he's also been taking medication without work knowing.

I know he has confided in 1 friend, who he works with. This guy is a big drinker and part of the problem, as far as I am concerned, which my husband does not like hearing.

I will see if i can get him to go to the gp with me.

Thanks again.

[Linda27]

Thanks for your post.

I have confided in a friend, but they do not live near by. We are currently in Sydney and most of my family and friends are in QLD. I feel bad telling people my problems as they are essentially my husband's, which i can no longer deal with.

My husband often wakes up during the night with nightmares, or not knowing where he is or not knowing who i am.

I have thought about contacting someone in his work, but i don't want him getting in trouble.

He talks about getting out and getting help out of the army. But apart from the financial aspect, i would have thought the best place to get help is through his work. I'm hoping to hear from some other people in the defence force or spouses of as well.

[MarkJT]

Linda, yes trying to get him to the GP is a must and if you can be there with him, that is a huge bonus as he cannot hide anything from the GP whilst you are there. You can call BS if he says he is okay and just there for a check up.

Although it is far from ideal that he won't disclose, I understand where he is coming from as so many coppers do the same. It is a sad state of affairs that people like us on meds are looked down upon. As long as he is taking his meds though, that is the main thing.

A mate been able to talk to him is a great thing but not if he is part of the problem. Best speak to the GP about the alcohol usage as well.

Would he be any chance to have a look at these forums? There are multiple alcohol threads going on which might open his eyes somewhat.

Mark.

[MarkJT]

Linda, sorry forgot to add that as he has been deployed a couple of times there could be some trauma that is unresolved. This is what happened to me.

If he does get a PTSD diagnoses, let me know and I will let you know about the treatments i had to process the trauma.

Mark.

[Linda27]

He is not taking his meds any longer, he has stopped so he can be medically upgraded again. The meds did not help, they just made him angry. He is also medically downgraded for his knee as he needs it operated on.

He says he will stop alcohol and coffee and see how he feels. I spoke to him about getting more help, he said he got sick of going to appointments all the time (doctor, psycologist, psychiatrist, sleep specialist) and he will try again next year (getting help).

[MarkJT]

Linda, that is awesome that he is going to stop alcohol and coffee - huge win.

I do worry about not taking the meds though. That may work or it may not but if he is not being actively treated, that could cause issues.

I can see how he is getting annoyed at all the appointments as I have lived that "dream" before and it is highly annoying but if he wants to recover, it is something that he just has to do.

However taking alcohol and coffee out of the equation might just get him to a point where he can be somewhat okay. Time will tell.

Mark.