Exhausted Carer

Simone12 · ‎28-02-2017

My daughter is now 27 and was initially diagnosed with depression when she was 16 and was medicated after talking with a counsellor. She has since had 2 suicide attempts and another recent admission for a psychosis subsequently thought to have been brought on by stress. She has had extensive amounts of counseling. Her most recent diagnosis is bipolar but she has also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She has lived out of home for a short period but is now living back home after one of her suicide attempts. I live on my own but have in recent years been in a long distance relationship seeing my partner every few weeks - we are hoping that long term we will live together. At the moment I work full time and do lots of things to help myself such as cycling, walking, meditating and counseling from time to time. What I am finding hard is the effect her mood has on mine - I find myself walking home at the end of the day wondering if she will be lying in her darkened room (I am however grateful she does do part time work). I really don't want to go home a lot of the time as I know that on top of feeling worried a lot of the time, my heart sinks even lower if she is in her bed or in an obvious low mood. Recently she was in a relationship and she was at times the happiest I have seen her in a long while but that has become somewhat uncertain and I worry how she will cope if it completely ends. I feel very conflicted with wanting to have my relationship with my partner and my support for her when she needs it - unfortunately it makes me feel quite resentful. I feel there are very few occasions when I can feel completely at ease. It is often hard to switch off my feelings at work. How do other people cope - it all feels so bleak at times - she knows in theory the things she needs to do to look after herself but just doesn't do it. It is hard to be under the same roof and see someone eat so poorly and not exercise but I hold my tongue as she just tells me how much it annoys her and makes her feel like doing the opposite if I make any gentle suggestions. I feel so sad that she has put on so much weight. I try to be a role model and take good care of my health but I am constantly in an anxious state and my sleep is poor. How do others on their own deal with these mixed emotions, feelings of helplessness and no optimism for the future?

Jacko777 · ‎01-03-2017

Hi Simone12, welcome to the Beyond Blue forums.

I think it is important to stay on the case, keep reminding your daughter about her recovery. It might annoy her but she wants to recover yes?? The trick would be finding a positive way to keep imparting the same message. I think these are things that you can definitely talk to your counsellor about, get some new tips, fresh advice.

Looking constantly into the future may not be serving you, perhaps you might find some relief through the practice of gratitude in the present moment, I know it helps me. I let go of things I cannot control, be thankful for everything as it is right now, we are alive. Even the greatest challenges force us to learn and grow and become better people and for that we can be thankful. Keep setting the example, you are doing great and I send you both much love. Keep up the meditation, it helps me so much to train my brain to focus so I can pull my self up and pay attention to the positive.

It can be highly challenging to be a carer, it's hardly surprising that you will struggle from time to time and I hope others on here with more experience will have some ideas. Talk anytime.

Jack

Dr_Kim · ‎01-03-2017

I think what you are feeling is so understandable.. there is an old saying “ You are only as happy as your unhappiest child” . I think there is some truth to that as with parenthood comes an emotional string. When they are happy and thriving , we are happy, when they are sad and unravelling , we feel that in the pit of our stomachs.

The thing is - your daughter is 27, not a child any more. I feel that you are doing exactly the right thing - providing a safe haven for her, but not taking away her sense of autonomy or advocacy. The reality is she can’t get better unless SHE decides to make and stick to changes. She has health professionals involved. You can only stand in the wings and be a kind spectator at this stage.

Certainly cheer her successes and help dust her off when she falls over, but in reality, your job is to stand on the side lines and allow her to make her own decisions, however poor you think they are. If she asks for your opinion, then by all means gently and kindly tell her your take on things otherwise, you might need to hold back.

So, as depressing as it might be to watch her not making a “success” of her life, try and be compassionate and think that she is doing the best that she can in the moment. Anything you can cheer, do so , otherwise try to refrain from comment. ( I know this is hard ! I am a mother too and like most mums, even though I know the theory I know how hard this can be to do in practise!)

In the meantime..PLEASE get on with your life. You will be of no help to anyone if you are not strong, fulfilled and happy in yourself . Keep exercising , eating well, meditating, going to work and counselling ,having a social life and a life with your partner. Plan holidays and things to look forward to.

I wish both of you all the best .. whatever that my be.

Simone12 · ‎01-03-2017

I really appreciated your reply and encouragement. I haven't been on a
forum before but I think it is going to be a great help for me as I do
like writing things down and it is very comforting to talk to people who
understand. I felt stronger and less alone today after reading the responses so thank you again. I do work on having gratitude for the many good things in my life - I guess it can just become overwhelming sometimes and I need reminding of that. The reminder about staying in the present moment is also helpful.

Simone12 · ‎01-03-2017

Thank you Dr Kim - I really appreciated your response and I think I will find it helpful to go back to it to read and re-read it at times when I feel I'm at the end of my tether and don't know where to turn. It is also a good reminder that I am powerless over what she chooses to do. I had a better day and feel buoyed by having joined this forum which I will be able to write on any time of the day or night.

Thank you so much

Bev

Jacko777 · ‎02-03-2017

Thanks for your lovely reply Simone12.

I think it helps all of us to be very clear about the things that get us through the day and make us feel calm and happy. Then with practice we can turn to those things in the heat of the moment, it becomes a mindset.

You can talk/write here any time.

Jack

Pixie15 · ‎03-03-2017

Hello Simone12,

Thank you for starting this thread. I agree with you that Dr Kim's response to you is very helpful.

Had_enough · ‎08-06-2017

Hi Simone12

I have basically the same scenario to you. My daughter is 20 and has severe depression and anxiety and has been like this for 2.5 years now. My husband works away from home and my other daughter has moved out interstate to uni. I am emotionally exhausted from caring for her. she has professional help, is on medication and sees a psychologist however she is still unwell. I get the same sinking feeling when she is flat and gloomy and do not look forward to going home. i am loosing hope as its been so long now and all her friends have moved on, and are enjoying life and she is just at home with me all the time. I try to look after myself with cylcing and walking everyday and I work full time with lovely people. I feel like I am also loosing patience as I just think why doesnt she get well, why doesnt she make any plans? It just feels quite hopeless and sad as she had such potential but now has no desire. I too would like to move out of the house and move on but I cant because she is there.