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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Jaffa92 Dating a guy with depression
  • replies: 6

I've recently started dating a guy and we both really like one another. A few days ago he disclosed that he has depression and anxiety to me. He has been having a bad week and hasn't spoken to me much. We spoke a bit yesterday and he said he is worri... View more

I've recently started dating a guy and we both really like one another. A few days ago he disclosed that he has depression and anxiety to me. He has been having a bad week and hasn't spoken to me much. We spoke a bit yesterday and he said he is worried that he is taking it out on me by needing space. I guess I just wanted to know if it's normal to not hear from someone in a low much, and also how to not take it personally.

Puppies Supporting A Partner
  • replies: 2

Hi, I'm interested in connecting with some people who are supporting a partner with depression or anxiety (or other mental illness). My partner has both and I am finding it increasingly difficult when dealing with the moods that come with depression.... View more

Hi, I'm interested in connecting with some people who are supporting a partner with depression or anxiety (or other mental illness). My partner has both and I am finding it increasingly difficult when dealing with the moods that come with depression. I am often shut out, and it leaves me feeling anxious. I deal with my own form of anxiety and it can often 'bring it on' when my partner doesn't want to talk. The big issue though is that we have been doing long distance for over 2 and a half years, and communicating over messages (unfortunately) is what keeps us connected a lot of the time. Thanks for reading. I hope there's someone who has a similar issue. Puppies.

Sez93 Supporting my partner properly for the first time
  • replies: 7

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2 years. We are very happy together and wouldn't want each other any other way. During our relationship I've struggled with anxiety and depression during my studies and he was my rock, he always seemed... View more

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2 years. We are very happy together and wouldn't want each other any other way. During our relationship I've struggled with anxiety and depression during my studies and he was my rock, he always seemed to have his head together and I sure as hell didn't! But recently he's been so depressed because of work abd physical health and problems with my parents (they don't exactly approve of him) and i want to be there for him and support him 100%. How do I do that?

Mumneedshelp Help for my son
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone. I have no idea where to start to get help for my son. He is not in any immediate danger to himself or others at the moment but has posted something on social media that alarmed his family very much. Where do I start to get some help? Who... View more

Hi everyone. I have no idea where to start to get help for my son. He is not in any immediate danger to himself or others at the moment but has posted something on social media that alarmed his family very much. Where do I start to get some help? Who do I speak to first? Any type of information would be very greatful thank you

Tomba At the end of my rope - please advise
  • replies: 9

I'm hoping a wonderful somebody on this forum can advise/assist. My partner is depressed. I believe he's been generally depressed for most of our 17 years together. His mum believes it dates back to his adolescence (he's mid-40s). He's also an alcoho... View more

I'm hoping a wonderful somebody on this forum can advise/assist. My partner is depressed. I believe he's been generally depressed for most of our 17 years together. His mum believes it dates back to his adolescence (he's mid-40s). He's also an alcoholic (although not drinking at the moment) with a tendency towards narcissism, and has serious attachment/abandonment issues (he's adopted, with deep-seated anger and shame about it). Nothing is, or ever has been, his fault; and he's been allowed to get away with murder by his absolutely adoring family. So, you can imagine how well things went when, late last year, he was retrenched. Given the dying industry in which he works, it was completely foreseeable to everyone except him. He fell into a heap - drank like a verbally abusive fish for a couple of weeks until I was ready to leave, and had to be supervised because he was completely unstable and has never had to practice resilience or problem-solve for himself (I've always been the primary earner and organiser). He has refused to actively participate in any problem solving for three months. He has stopped drinking, but has replaced it with eating, and his weight has ballooned which makes him unhappier. He spends most of his time watching TV or lying in bed while I work 60+ hour weeks plus study (post-grad in clinical psych - oh, the irony). He has two friends, both of whom he's pretty much sidelined. He won't contemplate that he is experiencing a major depressive episode, and won't see his GP or a counsellor. He's angry with me because I baulked at forking out $20k on weight-loss surgery (on a whim - he just booked himself in one day. We absolutely cannot afford it.) In short, he's doing absolutely nothing to help himself, and I'm exhausted - I also do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping and organising, because otherwise we'd live in squalor and starve. He constantly phones or texts me at work saying he needs to speak urgently (panic stations), so I excuse myself from meetings, etc, to call him, only to be told that he "can't talk about it any more". He knows I'm frantic about him suiciding, and I think it's just manipulative. The final straw is being repeatedly told that I'm not supportive enough. Has anyone else been in this situation? I am seriously at the point of walking away - I can't (and won't) live like this with a man who won't help himself. At what point does it stop being depression, and start being a childish, self-pitying wallow?

art68 21 year old son won't seek help and I cannot stop worrying.
  • replies: 2

Hi, I am new to this forum. My son is using drugs (mainly weed) to self-medicate through his anxiety and depression. Just before Christmas he was in an accident and when I got to the scene he said he didn’t want to be here anymore. The hospital got t... View more

Hi, I am new to this forum. My son is using drugs (mainly weed) to self-medicate through his anxiety and depression. Just before Christmas he was in an accident and when I got to the scene he said he didn’t want to be here anymore. The hospital got the resident Psyc to talk to him, but within an hour of getting him home he was acting like nothing happened. He has been depressed for years and has seen psycs in the past but he hates them. He has admitted, to my partner and I, that he needs help but just won’t go. I guess why I am really posting is that I am makinmyself sick with the worry. Each day I am so stressed until I know he is alive... I have a very clear understanding of anxiety (suffered with it myself) and stress and I am at breaking point. I know that if I don’t control these stresses I will get so sick. I cry about the situation every other day and live in an anxious state every day. How do other people cope with this? I don’t want to lose my son and I feel completely helpless about what to do. I don’t know if I should ask him if he is ok? But then how many times do I ask that question???? He is attending uni 4 days a week and has just moved into a new place, I do see some positives. He just seems to care about very little and spends most of his time angry at the world. This is consuming my life and I don’t know how to stop it from doing so. Thanks

JAG24499 How do I support my daughter through depression & social anxiety
  • replies: 5

My 17yr old daughter suffers from depression & social anxiety, she is constantly talking to me about how she has no friends & her boyfriend that has asked for a break because she is negative about everything. When I offer helpful suggestions all I ge... View more

My 17yr old daughter suffers from depression & social anxiety, she is constantly talking to me about how she has no friends & her boyfriend that has asked for a break because she is negative about everything. When I offer helpful suggestions all I get is an excuse or negative feedback. She has told me straight out that she thinks what she is going through is our fault & I've been dead inside since she said it. I just don't know how to help her, if I suggest ways of getting out there to meet people eg. going to gym with me, I'm seen as picking on her weight. Doesn't matter what I do or say there's always a negative comeback.

Mumma_mouse Being a parent to an adult with depression and anxiety
  • replies: 12

Hi All, I don't want to take up this forum with my stuff when I recognise the benefit of all those using it to help themselves living with the BD. I just need to ask questions occasionally to ensure I am doing the right thing by my daughter. She is 2... View more

Hi All, I don't want to take up this forum with my stuff when I recognise the benefit of all those using it to help themselves living with the BD. I just need to ask questions occasionally to ensure I am doing the right thing by my daughter. She is 20 and has D and A. She had a full time job but said it really played with her head and she was having meltdowns before and during work time. It didn't seem to be helping her so I agreed she should leave. During her unemployment she would spend hours in her room watching stuff online, the house would not be touched and it was annoying everyone who worked and came home to nothing done all day. My husband and I support her financially as we both work. That is fine but I feel like this added to her depression, the trap being needing to ask for money yet not being able to find work. Recently she has had a Xmas casual job and is going OK but is feeling like she is struggling some days to remember what she should be doing. She goes on and off her meds and over the last year has been inconsistent, therefore it is hard to know what works and doesn't. She likes her GP but also is inconsistent with her psych appointments. I guess I see all this as symptoms of the illness and I am reluctant to push her to be consistent with her meds and appointments for fear that may place more pressure on her. The housework also annoys me and if I bring it up she descends into tears and is upset, saying she can't help it. What is my best approach here. Those with similar issues may be able to help me.

Lillian4 Going round in circles
  • replies: 4

I'm the mum of a 19 year old with probable bi polar. 5 years ago went through a marriage breakup and he has suffered ever since. Managed to get him to headspace after 2 years but he won't take prescribed medication , says it does nothing and most of ... View more

I'm the mum of a 19 year old with probable bi polar. 5 years ago went through a marriage breakup and he has suffered ever since. Managed to get him to headspace after 2 years but he won't take prescribed medication , says it does nothing and most of the time refused to go. It's been nearly a year since his last appointment and he also refuses to go to his job service provider. Basically he is on the computer all night asleep all day. He is mostly down,with rare ups. A so called friend recently hid his computer mouse and his reaction scared me enough to start me crying which affected him to tears. So I would love suggestions how do I get him help. The home doctor service said they can't help. Centrelink says without a medical certificate they don't recognise the depression. I'm going round in circles. Please help....

Katey_A1 Can't take any more
  • replies: 3

I have been with my partner for 17 years and living together for 13 years, he has been diagnosed with chronic depression for the past 7 years. Most of this time he has been on medication with a couple of periods he tried to go off meds without succes... View more

I have been with my partner for 17 years and living together for 13 years, he has been diagnosed with chronic depression for the past 7 years. Most of this time he has been on medication with a couple of periods he tried to go off meds without success. He currently has gone off meds as he is "sick of taking tablets" and the medication didn't seem effective. He has a history of moderate to heavy drinking and since he stopped drinking (3 months ago) his anger issues have increased and he just loses it really quickly. This is putting a huge strain on our relationship and home life, since he stopped drinking about 3 months ago the meds have seemed totally useless. His GP wants to change to another medication but my partner wants to go it alone. This of course has an enormous effect on both our lives and I don't think I can take it anymore, I am ready to leave. I feel that I have lost my identity as all our energy is taken up with his depression and narcissism. He is totally focussed on himself and seems oblivious to my feelings, when I try and talk he just says he's tired that's all and will not discuss his depression. I am sooo lonely in this relationship, I do most things alone now and he doesn't seem to want to do anything with me, we may arrange something but it rarely works out, I am ready to leave. We have had counselling several times but he doesn't usually find it helpful and just doesn't like to have to be told what to do. It seems hopeless to me at the moment and I am filled with resentment and anger at the years I have lost and time I have given to this disease. I would appreciate any comments or advice