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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Andrea_Jayne How to support a16 year old with anxiety and depression about school who's current coping mechanism is finding places at school to hide.
  • replies: 2

Hello I am looking for ideas to help my beautiful 16 year 11 student who goes to a private school and does very well academically . She wants to go to university but can not cope with the ongoing harassment at school and wants to leave. She has devel... View more

Hello I am looking for ideas to help my beautiful 16 year 11 student who goes to a private school and does very well academically . She wants to go to university but can not cope with the ongoing harassment at school and wants to leave. She has developed symptoms of anxiety and depression.We have spoken to the school Councellor but so far I have seen no improvement in the situation. I have thought of emailing all her class teachers to let them know there is a problem but I am worried about making things worse. I am extremely sensitive about this iss as my brother pass away 3 years ago from suicide due to social pressures and never want this to happen to anyone let alone my daughter again. Any advice would be appreciated. Andrea

Meg1234 Living with a partner with depression
  • replies: 2

Hi this is my first post but I am really struggling My partner is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for 7 years but the last 18 months he has been so depressed! We have a two year old daughter and he has quit two jobs in two years and we have... View more

Hi this is my first post but I am really struggling My partner is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for 7 years but the last 18 months he has been so depressed! We have a two year old daughter and he has quit two jobs in two years and we have moved 4 times! All of this was his decision as he was unhappy and blaming work or bosses for his unhappiness, I have followed and never complained but I feel like it is time to make changes as he is starting to effect my mental health! He refuses to look at himself that maybe he is depressed and that there are avenues he can go down like this website seeing a doctor or talking to someone! I don't know what to do anymore and need help I am to scared to push the issue with him as he gets cranky but I am unsure of how to get him help!

bec_smile Advice required for my 14yr old nephew reactions to anxiety medications
  • replies: 2

My nephew has struggled with anxiety all his life in a mild form. He has just turned 14. For the last few months he hit rock bottom crying and was very sad. Getting him to school was a battle. They took him to counsellor Dr and psychologist he was pr... View more

My nephew has struggled with anxiety all his life in a mild form. He has just turned 14. For the last few months he hit rock bottom crying and was very sad. Getting him to school was a battle. They took him to counsellor Dr and psychologist he was prescribed one medication and was not working so a few weeks later he switched to another medication. This did not seem to help. He was starting to act completely out of character. He went from a boy who was she reserved and good at school to getting 6 warnings in one day. His care factor was 0. He was saying strange things and acting weird. He stole someone's assignment and presented it to the class. This was completely out of character. He went online and purchased a lot of items with no remorse. They said the antidepressant may be too strong for him so suggested mood stabilizer one dose was given I think then he was super aggressive and mad ended up in hospital but did not stay as by the time drs got to see him he would have been asleep They decided to stop all meds to try and start with a clean slate took him home and morning was ok but afternoon was full of abuse He has become verbally abusive and physically abusive and throwing things. He is not at school and wants to go but is in no state to go, he is wired one minute and reasonably calm the next We r praying this is not permanent We just want our boy back Any advice would be appreciated We r desperate

The_rock_of_the_family The rock
  • replies: 2

My husband is depressed its been on going for a few years but the last 12mths have gotten worse. I try and help him i try and get him out of the house but he is turning into a real hermit shutting himself away and its starting to feel he is pushing m... View more

My husband is depressed its been on going for a few years but the last 12mths have gotten worse. I try and help him i try and get him out of the house but he is turning into a real hermit shutting himself away and its starting to feel he is pushing myself and his children away. We have 3 children 14,13,10 but lately it just seems to be just me and the kids. I try and talk to him but nothing happens, ive tried to get him to talk to someone but he wont. I feel as i am the rock and holding this family together i feel exhausted somedays as i work, i do all the home duties plus all the after school activities. He hasn't worked in 5 years due to a back injury but has always gone back to a job suitable... This time has been longer, about 12 mths ago he tried to self medicate and got caught up with wrong people that ended him in hospital and the mental ward for 8 weeks due to drug psychosis episode. He hasnt touched it since.... But im just concern and worried about his depression

Caty63 I love my daughter but I dont like her or her behaviour - struggling with our relationship
  • replies: 4

My 18 yr old daughter has anxiety, depression, ADHD, ? BPD & is in a youth psychiatric hospital after suicidal thoughts, her 2nd admission in six months. 6 weeks ago my daughter physically assaulted me (not for the first time) quite badly in front of... View more

My 18 yr old daughter has anxiety, depression, ADHD, ? BPD & is in a youth psychiatric hospital after suicidal thoughts, her 2nd admission in six months. 6 weeks ago my daughter physically assaulted me (not for the first time) quite badly in front of her 13 yr old sister (who was also attacked). Since then I have moved out of the family home, taking my 13yr old with me. My problem is that I am struggling to like my daughter again, she is in hospital at the moment and has not expressed the slightest insight or remorse into physically attacking me, the fact that she has put the family under enormous financial strain or the fact that the family unit has completely dissolved at her doing. I understand she has mental health issues, has had for quite a long time but I cannot get over the feeling of bitterness, anger and resentment. We have done nothing but support her and tried to get her help taking her to doctors, psychologists etc. for many many years. She is self destructive, throwing away her studies and work opportunities and just doesn't seem to know what the consequences of her actions are. How do I repair my relationship with her, at the moment I have almost no contact with her other than erratic text messages when she wants something. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

TTMAB Concerned wife
  • replies: 12

My husband and I have been together for 12 years but only married for 11 months. He has never been someone who has been open with this feelings and doesn't like to talk (which has been a issue). But the last few months he has become distant and close... View more

My husband and I have been together for 12 years but only married for 11 months. He has never been someone who has been open with this feelings and doesn't like to talk (which has been a issue). But the last few months he has become distant and closed off and I know that there has been issues that he has been dealing with like work, his father, issues from his childhood and other things. But he has shut me out won't talk. We have been having trouble having a family which hasn't helped so he is blaming himself, saying it's all his fault and that I deserve better and someone else. I've tried my best to support him. He said that he needs space. So I'm staying at my mums for a while which I don't know if it's a good thing or not? One positive he did seek help today which im happy about but he told me that his feeling for me have changed and that he is numb, but numb to everyone and everything. That he doesn't know if his feeling for me will return. That he is in a dark place that he doesn't know what he what's out of life. I just need some advice. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much this can't be the end coz I'll fight to the end for him and us.

CroftyCritter Rebalancing a relationship affected by mental illness (OCD, depression & alexithymia)
  • replies: 6

I've been with my partner for 10 years - he has had OCD since about age 14 or 15, and more recently, depression. A few years back he finally accepted that he needed treatment to address his illness and has been treated with a range of SRIs and cognit... View more

I've been with my partner for 10 years - he has had OCD since about age 14 or 15, and more recently, depression. A few years back he finally accepted that he needed treatment to address his illness and has been treated with a range of SRIs and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). Most people that would meet him now would have no idea that he has a diagnosed condition because his illness has been managed to a point that it hardly interferes with daily life – at least the parts that are visible to people other than me. His improvement does not change the fact that most of our relationship has been impacted by his illness. Without going into details, there have been some trying times. A couple of times we have separated, and many times I have thought about leaving. He has also recently been diagnosed with a disorder called alexithymia, which means that he has difficulty reading and describing emotions. We are working through what this means for our relationship (and how it explains some aspects of our relationship). I’m posting here for two reasons. The first is because even though I have a lot of patience and energy to deal with my husband’s illness, there are times that I just find it overwhelmingly difficult to handle. I have no one to talk to that understands OCD or alexithymia enough to provide sympathy but not judge my husband for things (for example, taking feedback very critically due to self-worth issues, and aversion to physical touch related to alexithymia). I’d like to hear how other people find an outlet to talk about how mental illness affects their relationship in the long term. The other thing I’m interested in hearing about is others’ experiences of trying to rebalance a relationship after years of focussing on one partner. I feel like we have both been so focussed on his illness, his treatment, how it has impacts us, how it has impacted his work life and study, and getting him back on track again that I’m a bit forgotten. I’ve been the main financial support, the main household organiser, and invested so much energy into him and getting him better that my goals etc have been sidelined. It feels like I’ve surfaced now that things are better and I’m not quite sure who I am or what I want anymore. I’m so grateful that things are looking up but I’m not sure how to manage this next stage. I would love to hear about any similar experiences.

SunJane re advice on communicating well with 13 yo son with OCD
  • replies: 3

I'd love some tips on creating positive communication with my 13 yo son who has OCD. He can't go to school at the moment and I have stopped work to care for him. I try and stay positive but find that I get so frustrated if he refuses to do small thin... View more

I'd love some tips on creating positive communication with my 13 yo son who has OCD. He can't go to school at the moment and I have stopped work to care for him. I try and stay positive but find that I get so frustrated if he refuses to do small things to make progress. Rather than stay calm and be the adult, I get so emotional and frustrated. I know this behaviour makes his anxiety worse but in that moment I just get so upset. I know this is really affecting our relationship and I don't want him to think dad is great and mum is hopeless. We are having treatment and am also seeing a counsellor but I would appreciate some communication tips to increase patience and reduce emotional responses. Thanks guys!

Puppies How do I support a partner with depression?
  • replies: 5

Hi there, I've been in a relationship with my partner for 2 years and I have difficulty understanding how I can best support him. A big issue is that we live far away from each other, but he asks for a lot of time to himself. I haven't seen him for o... View more

Hi there, I've been in a relationship with my partner for 2 years and I have difficulty understanding how I can best support him. A big issue is that we live far away from each other, but he asks for a lot of time to himself. I haven't seen him for over a week and try to compromise with him but he seems to be thinking just about what he wants or what he thinks is best for him, and in turn he disregards my feelings. I think I'd just like an insight into what depression makes you feel, especially in relation to a significant other, and maybe how I can show I'm supporting him, even when he pushes me away. Thanks in advance

Lillibet Retirement
  • replies: 1

My partner's anxiety and moodiness has increased since retirement after his career involving being away from home a lot. I have helped him over the years with his anxieties. I think they were/are a result of his difficult and neglected upbringing. I ... View more

My partner's anxiety and moodiness has increased since retirement after his career involving being away from home a lot. I have helped him over the years with his anxieties. I think they were/are a result of his difficult and neglected upbringing. I have had to learn to be very independent. Now, with retirement, his moodiness has increased even though he keeps reasonably active. It is really difficult. Any other retirees out there with similar problems?