Rebalancing a relationship affected by mental illness (OCD, depression & alexithymia)

[CroftyCritter]

I've been with my partner for 10 years - he has had OCD since about age 14 or 15, and more recently, depression.

A few years back he finally accepted that he needed treatment to address his illness and has been treated with a range of SRIs and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). Most people that would meet him now would have no idea that he has a diagnosed condition because his illness has been managed to a point that it hardly interferes with daily life – at least the parts that are visible to people other than me. His improvement does not change the fact that most of our relationship has been impacted by his illness. Without going into details, there have been some trying times. A couple of times we have separated, and many times I have thought about leaving.  

He has also recently been diagnosed with a disorder called alexithymia, which means that he has difficulty reading and describing emotions. We are working through what this means for our relationship (and how it explains some aspects of our relationship).

I’m posting here for two reasons. The first is because even though I have a lot of patience and energy to deal with my husband’s illness, there are times that I just find it overwhelmingly difficult to handle. I have no one to talk to that understands OCD or alexithymia enough to provide sympathy but not judge my husband for things (for example, taking feedback very critically due to self-worth issues, and aversion to physical touch related to alexithymia). I’d like to hear how other people find an outlet to talk about how mental illness affects their relationship in the long term.

The other thing I’m interested in hearing about is others’ experiences of trying to rebalance a relationship after years of focussing on one partner. I feel like we have both been so focussed on his illness, his treatment, how it has impacts us, how it has impacted his work life and study, and getting him back on track again that I’m a bit forgotten. I’ve been the main financial support, the main household organiser, and invested so much energy into him and getting him better that my goals etc have been sidelined. It feels like I’ve surfaced now that things are better and I’m not quite sure who I am or what I want anymore. I’m so grateful that things are looking up but I’m not sure how to manage this next stage.

I would love to hear about any similar experiences. 

[Doolhof]

Hi Crofty Critter and Welcome to Beyond Blue,

My husband and I are in a similar situation, only a bit in reverse. My husband has just recently admitted that he has problems and has just been to see a Dr and a psychiatrist for help.

He has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and I wouldn't be at all surprised if he went to see a psychiatrist, he would be diagnosed with other stuff as well.

For a couple of decades I have had to adjust to his moods, his needs and wants and have tried to stay balanced while I have been battling my own demons, depression and stress.

My husband says he is now at the lowest point in his life and I am needing to prop both myself and him up. He has not been working for the last two years, so I have been trying to keep us afloat, plus look after the house and the garden.

In all of this it has been hard over the years to know who I am and what I want to be. My husband has developed into a very private person, he does not like to share things with me and does not like me to touch him.

I try to keep in touch with family and friends. I go out with girlfriends, go to the pool three days a week, enjoy the gardening and have various hobbies I like to do.

Think of things you would like to do and try. Catch up with family and friends. Try new hobbies and interests, either together or separately.

There is a whole world out there to explore and experience.

Although our last few months have been really quite horrible in lots of ways, they have also helped us to better understand each other, to release a lot of tension and help us to rebuild our lives. 

Consider something you have always wanted to do and see if it is possible for you to do it now.

It helps to share your story and your emotions here. People might not understand exactly how you are feeling, but all of us have had our own journey with its ups and downs, so appreciate it when life is tough.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

[Pixie15]

Hi CroftyCritter,

Welcome to the forums. A simple answer is that it is time to get your own goals off the sideline and put strategies in place to help stop you from putting them back there. You might need some help to do that. There is a publication available on this site "The beyondblue guide for carers" which would be a good starting point. I read it again yesterday when I was thinking about your post.

I have a partner who suffers depression. He has suffered to varying degrees for most of our over 30 year relationship however he was only first diagnosed a few years ago. Although I am not sure that an earlier diagnosis would have led to a better outcome because there is a much better understanding and range of treatments now than there was when we first met.

I have given up a lot over the years in order to try and enable him to have a happy and comfortable with life. Perhaps too much because he may have had help earlier if I had not be prepared to adjust to so much. I did CBT a couple of years ago which I signed up for in the hope of helping my partner but ended up helping myself.

Doing the CBT really helped me to understand how in trying to do too much to support my partner I was taking responsibility for his actions which really did not help either of us. It might help you to see a counselor who understands your partners conditions and can help you with your specific needs.

If you would like to hear from sufferers of the same conditions as your partner has you might like to start a thread under depression or anxiety. You might attract more attention there.

cheers,

Grateful.

[geoff]

dear CroftyCritter, I want to reply to you which I will do in the morning, sorry it can't be now. L Geoff. x

[ColdComfort]

Hi,

I just joined this forum for the sole purpose of responding to your post.  I was googling 'alexithymia' as the counsellor my husband and I have been seeing for a couple of years raised it with me (in a one on one session with me) to suggest my husband might have this characteristic.

I think he absolutely does and I'm almost relieved to be able to explain the very odd way in which he has not engaged with the counselling for years at all and although on the one hand seems to express a deep desire that we don't split up, on the other will easily say 'yes just split up' but doesn't actively engage in any of the exercises the counsellor has asked us to do.  Its really been such a frustrating, odd journey.  When I try to explain how his behaviour impacts on me and the children, he either says that I shouldn't be reacting that way and that its all our fault, not his at all.  He is also on anti-depressants.

This diagnosis will hopefully help him identify that his behaviours are actually odd and that not having an emotional reaction to stimulus in life is not usual. 

Having said all that, I am also the primary income earner and also do the main household organising. But I do a lot of other stuff to help keep me sane as well - I am in book clubs, I go to the movies with friends on a Friday or Saturday night, I go to the museum and art stuff, I take the kids out on the weekend and do interesting things.  I'll also take the kids camping by myself because its so much more pleasant without him around.

I don't think I would still be in the marriage if I didn't have such an active and connected life away from the marriage.  I have the energy and patience to try and work these difficulties because I have so much other joy in my life.

[Hopefulhearts]

Hi CroftyCritter & ColdComfort,

I've only just joined the Beyond blue site specifically to see how you are both doing now, after your posts regarding your partners with Alexithymia.

I only found this post tonight, 2 years from the month the post was started but my husband also has Alexithymia and its around 6 years ago that his councillor have him the diagnosis & it has been a tough road.

I know a lot can happen in 2 years so I don't know if you have found ways to connect with your partners or if you have moved on, I just wanted to let you know of some info I found, after lots of googling, that has helped my hubby!

Please let me know if you are both still looking for answers & I will attach a link if I'm able to!

All the best!

[geoff]

hello CroftyCritter, I'm sorry it's been such awhile since I have gotten back to you so are you still checking your post.
It can be such a difficult problem between any two partners or spouses when one has OCD and then being diagnosed with alexithymia, simply because you don't feel as though you are getting the emotional love you are craving for, and that's an important part for a couple to stay together, so you may do something so that it will excite him but there are no emotional rewards, so it seems as though you are doing all of this for no reason, even though he may enjoy it but he can't respond in a way that you want him to say.
Couple this with OCD and it's a struggle to want to stay together, for me when I got married I already learnt to hide my OCD habits/rituals so that it wouldn't bother my wife, and when our eldest son started performing OCD habits then my wife needed to do something to help him.
It is a really toxic type of anxiety and to me anxiety also means being depressed and then add onto this alexithymia, well it's very difficult for you to be able to struggle through, but I have compliment you for the effort and this also includes Coldcomfort and Hopefulhearts, there must be a great of love involved not to step away. Geoff.