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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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SubduedBlues What about Bob?
  • replies: 11

Fictional character Bob Wiley is a good-natured man that suffers from multiple phobias. In the story, Bob spends makes friends with his psychiatrist's son Siggy. There is a famous scene in the picture during when staying over during a thunderstorm Bo... View more

Fictional character Bob Wiley is a good-natured man that suffers from multiple phobias. In the story, Bob spends makes friends with his psychiatrist's son Siggy. There is a famous scene in the picture during when staying over during a thunderstorm Bob and Siggy are jumping on the beds and yelling obscenities at the top of their lungs; pretending to have Tourette Syndrome (TS). Where this movie (and scene) has done a lot to get people thinking about Tourette's. In the movie it's funny, but for those of us who live with it, it's not always a laughing matter. Unfortunately the movie scene has also stigmatized TS sufferers as people who uncontrollably swear and make obscene noises (corprolalia). Where in fact, less than a tenth of TS sufferers have coprolalia. Tourette Syndrome (TS or simply Tourette's), is a common neurological disorder characterized by multiple motor tics and at least one vocal (phonic) tic. Tics are sudden, repetitive, nonrhythmic movements (motor tics) and utterances (phonic tics) that involve discrete muscle groups. Motor tics are movement-based tics, while phonic tics are involuntary sounds produced by moving air through the nose, mouth, or throat. Tics characteristically wax and wane, and are typically preceded by an unwanted urge or sensation in the affected muscles; sort of like a sneeze. In some instances the tic can be temporarily suppressed, but it's going to come out (sort of like trying to forcefully stop yourself from a hiccup). ~~~ I have palilalia (repeating of words), which for me is a contiguous repeating of syllables, words and phases. Some of us also have echolalia (repeating sounds). As an adult, more often than not, my tics come and go without notice. But sometimes they are so obvious people who are unaware of the affliction either ask me (in a condescending tone) "are you right there," or to "just stop doing that". Worse are the people who know someone with TS, and think that because your tics are different that their tics, you must be faking it. People cannot fake tics, as they are uncontrollable and involuntary actions. ~~~ Beyond the tics, Tourette's is: * riddled with stigma regarding the affliction * can be depressive for its sufferer's * can cause undue social anxiety It is my hope that others who have Tourette Syndrome, or are friends/relatives of people with TS, can post here and gain benefit of my experience living with, coping with, and conquering TS (err... oops... I didn't conquer it) SB

Ezza Long term severely depressed partner, and I also have Bipolar
  • replies: 3

I don't see it discussed often but we are a relationship where both partners have mental health illnesses 10+ years. My partner is in the middle of a chronic pain and severe depression episode. I am under fantastic psychiatric care, and this is the m... View more

I don't see it discussed often but we are a relationship where both partners have mental health illnesses 10+ years. My partner is in the middle of a chronic pain and severe depression episode. I am under fantastic psychiatric care, and this is the most consistently stable and 'normal' happy with my life I've ever been. Problem I have is her depression is triggering me off, and bringing me down on all my good days (currently vast majority). We have 2 young kids compounding our home based lifestyle. She has supported me, and I her, for a decade. I'm have strong illness management and recovery strategies in place now. But the very person negatively affecting my recovery is also the person I love the most. I can't go down with her, but I'm not leaving either. How do I stay well without letting her down, or feeling alone?

Smile_24 The love of my life & bi polar
  • replies: 1

The love of my life has bi polar i was well aware before entering the relationship about it and didnt make the choice of entering the relationship lightly ( i know this is something that will never go away and i wanted to make sure that id be in it f... View more

The love of my life has bi polar i was well aware before entering the relationship about it and didnt make the choice of entering the relationship lightly ( i know this is something that will never go away and i wanted to make sure that id be in it for the long run and that i would be enough for her) We are in the low now, ive never seen someone hit so low. It breaks my heart, to see someone so vibrant, fun, cheerful be in this state. The melt down happend and i had no idea (i feel like i should of seen the signs). Anyways i made all the appointments with health professionals, got her a book to write every thought in and have tried my very hardest to understand. Ive youtubed and read so many articles on bi polar. I guess i want to know from other partners that it gets there. That you make it out the other side. Because i see the light i just some times worry it will disappear

freshwizard How to help my brother?
  • replies: 5

So recently (within a month) my 13 year old brother started having panic attacks, like hyperventilating, crying. I thought it was just because of how our mum asks him, like some sort of fear based thing. Like recently I don't remember how it started ... View more

So recently (within a month) my 13 year old brother started having panic attacks, like hyperventilating, crying. I thought it was just because of how our mum asks him, like some sort of fear based thing. Like recently I don't remember how it started because I wasn't in the room but I think mum was asking him to do a chore something and she can go on a bit right but it was pretty low down on the scale of how she usually goes off at us. And he completely looses it and runs off to his room having a panic attack and she just tells him hes acting out and simultaneously tries to calm him down with breathing exercises while telling him off for making a choice to act out and eventually goes 'fine hyperventilate until you faint one way or another' (verbatim) Like the other day it started raining and me and him had to take the washing in and I asked him to hang it back up inside and he did a pretty bad job, just sorta throwing things on the rack all crumpled up, so I said something like 'hey dude can you redo this' like super chill not yelling or anything and he started hyperventilating? I completely backed off because I don't want to be like our mum (recently she went off at him till she panicked and when he didn't calm down like she wanted she said verbatim 'fine hyperventilate until you faint one way or another') but it's been happening a lot recently when someone asks him to do a chore or something he'll start panicking and neither of our parents seem to know how to help so what can I do? I'm 17, we don't go to the same school, neither of us are really very good at sharing feelings haha and I dont think talking to our parents will really help (recently when he was having a panic attack he hid in his room and mum was still going off at him from the outside and I tried to explain that if she left him alone for a minute it'd be way easier to talk to him but she completely ignored me). Also I'm really sorry if some of this doesn't make sense I'm not very good at articulating so just tell me if you don't understand/need more info or whatever and I'll do my best :^ )

nic29 Going through the last 12 years of worry with my now 27 year old daughter Emma
  • replies: 5

Hi all, I am brand new in these forums and after reading a few posts, it sounds like a very helpful friendly place to get some help/feedback. I am a loving caring mother to my only child Emma who was an angel of a child growing up. My husband and I d... View more

Hi all, I am brand new in these forums and after reading a few posts, it sounds like a very helpful friendly place to get some help/feedback. I am a loving caring mother to my only child Emma who was an angel of a child growing up. My husband and I didnt have any problems with her until she reached 15 and started hanging around the naughty/rebellious kids at school. This is also the time where I noticed she started losing self esteem and became a little withdrawn. I did everything I could at the time to keep an eye on her but she plodded along and told me she was always ok. She started becoming defensive with me a few years later when she started going out with her friends and told me I was too over protective and to let her live her life. This is where she started to get herself into trouble with the type of people she was hanging around. From age 18, she started staying over at these friends places. These friends were all jobless, in trouble with the law and to be honest, all losers. She just seemed to be attracted to these types of people as she told me they were down to earth and didnt judge her. To cut a long story short, Emma has had 3 long term boyfriends in the last 9 years and they were all losers. She would never bring them home and we met her 2nd boyfriend only twice so we hardly saw her while she was with him for 2 years (from age 19 to 21). Even know she lived around the corner from us. They split up finally and she seemed to get her life back on track for the next 8 months until she met Josh. Within 1 week, she had moved into his place and again the same pattern, we just didn't see her. This guy is the worst person she has met as within 2 months of being with him, he robbed our house, stole my husbands tools and she forgave him He has been in and out of jobs all his life, he continues to steal, even from his own family and has cheated on her. They have been together 3 yrs now and have a 12 month old child, (my beautiful grandson). She recently left him as she was sick of the lies,plus they were homeless due to him not paying rent, so she was living with us back at home. It was such a relief to have my daughter and my grandson back in our lives finally knowing they were safe. This lasted for 5 weeks, he kept messaging her and telling her he's going to change and she believes him. They have nowhere to live and she's telling me to mind my own business when I plead with her not to go back. We are at our wits end

Gidget My partner has depression and I'm new to it all
  • replies: 9

Hey, I'm only new here and new to depression. I have been dating my partner for 4 months now and just found out he has depression. We have a long distance relationship, which also makes things a little bit more stressful. I have done a lot of researc... View more

Hey, I'm only new here and new to depression. I have been dating my partner for 4 months now and just found out he has depression. We have a long distance relationship, which also makes things a little bit more stressful. I have done a lot of research about depression and have read through some of the threads, but being new to this I find that I'm struggling with communicating with my partner and I feel like I have nothing to offer in the way of help and support. He tells me he has been through this before but he can't seem to fix it this time, I have asked him about getting some help but he doesn't want it and i certainly can't force him to. I was wondering if anyone has any pointers? I also struggle to respond when he says things about hating himself or that he's not worth it or he's just trying to stay alive. I'm not sure what approach to take without making the situation worse or making him feel worse about himself. i was wondering how I should be responding? I'm trying to be positive and stay positive but it gets hard. Any help would be extremely appreciated!

Vladimir 19 year old has been unwell for five years and refuses to seek help
  • replies: 5

Hi all. Just regrouped my thoughts and thought I would try again to get ideas/information / support. The short story is boy became anxious, withdrawn and angry at 14 after a few family tragedies and I was injured at work. He became obsessed with body... View more

Hi all. Just regrouped my thoughts and thought I would try again to get ideas/information / support. The short story is boy became anxious, withdrawn and angry at 14 after a few family tragedies and I was injured at work. He became obsessed with body image and was hospitalised and diagnosed a typical anorexic. He nearly died and I deferred to everything because of my terror. Husband deferred to me because of my terror. Daughter left home. He left school year nine and has spent the last five years gaming and living in filth. Now he is the polar opposite physically. He lifts weights (we made a weight room) but despite his build he covers himself in a blanket because he thinks he's not big enough. I believe it's called body dysmorphia? Did smoke a lot of weed but has backed off but still does. He has lots of friends all getting on with work, uni etc. Mercifully his aggression has abated and the house hasn't needed a repair for a couple of years. He is an intelligent boy, funny, compassionate and has a strong social conscious but he leaves the room rarely and has done two overnight camping trips with friends in this period. I guess the issue is he wants to move on and have his dignity and independence. He is humiliated being nearly 20 still having to ask us for a quid but he won't deal with a doctor let alone a psych and is opposed to meds. He is creative and thankfully hasn't lost his curiosity. Just don't know how to get past that wall and help him on his way. I suspect anxiety and depression but can't have the conversation with him. He can also get quite teary which used to result in violence. That's it. Thanks in advance

TinyRick Struggling to deal with my girlfriends depression - I feel like it is my fault
  • replies: 6

I've been with my girlfriend for about 2.5 years and early in the relationship she opened up about her depression. She was taking antidepressants and did not want me thinking she was 'crazy'. I understood and did all I could to support her. I didn't ... View more

I've been with my girlfriend for about 2.5 years and early in the relationship she opened up about her depression. She was taking antidepressants and did not want me thinking she was 'crazy'. I understood and did all I could to support her. I didn't care (and still don't). I love her and want to be there for her. She would have some bad days but overall she was coping well (or at least it appeared that way). We did lots of things on weekends and holidays and made lots of great memories. As you do when in a relationship we began talking about the future and the possibility of having children. We are both at the age where friends and family are getting married and starting families of their own. About six months ago she stopped taking her antidepressants (following advice from a GP about this decision) because she did not want to be on antidepressants if she were to ever fall pregnant for fear of harming the baby. At first she was coping well but progressively over the last 6 months she has declined significantly. She never wants to leave the house or socialise with others too long, and has struggled to find enjoyment in anything or have anything 'to look forward to'. She looks back on our past and talks about wanting it to go back to the way things were (the good memories). She has started taking the antidepressants again (2 weeks ago) because she cannot cope without them but has said things that have worried me. I'm afraid to leave her alone because she is feeling so bad. I feel helpless and really don't know what to say or do. I also feel like it is my fault because had I not been around and talked about the future she would have never stopped taking the antidepressants. It is making me feel down myself. I don't know if she will feel better again. If she doesn't I feel it's because of me. I'm struggling to know what to say or do. It is effecting our relationship. Has anyone ever had a similar experience? Do you have any advice? If she keeps up with the antidepressants will I see her beautiful smile again?

aleska My teen child
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, I have a 14 year old son...In past couple of months he start to change a lot as all teens...and that's normal...what I don't find normal is his opsesion about the school...constant studing and if he got less then 80% on test for him that... View more

Hi everyone, I have a 14 year old son...In past couple of months he start to change a lot as all teens...and that's normal...what I don't find normal is his opsesion about the school...constant studing and if he got less then 80% on test for him that's failure. Me and husband keep telling him that for us count all efforts that he putting in school and that we don't care about his marks but he doesn't listen. Like last night,he found out that today he have a test and becauae he didn't have enough time to pripare himself he start to cray and panic and shake....We tray to calm him down teling him that everything is gona be ok and that he have right to do that test bed but he didn't listen. ..this morning he send me a msg from school that everyone are preperd for test exept him...Don'tknow what to do...does anyone had same experience? Think that he need serious help but don't know where to start?please help me because the only thing that matters is to have a helthy and happy chind...

Bimmyt Supporting someone with depression
  • replies: 2

Good evening, my new partner has depression. she has had it for 20 years. how do I support her ? many thanks

Good evening, my new partner has depression. she has had it for 20 years. how do I support her ? many thanks