Long term severely depressed partner, and I also have Bipolar

Ezza · ‎09-04-2017

I don't see it discussed often but we are a relationship where both partners have mental health illnesses 10+ years. My partner is in the middle of a chronic pain and severe depression episode. I am under fantastic psychiatric care, and this is the most consistently stable and 'normal' happy with my life I've ever been.

Problem I have is her depression is triggering me off, and bringing me down on all my good days (currently vast majority). We have 2 young kids compounding our home based lifestyle.

She has supported me, and I her, for a decade. I'm have strong illness management and recovery strategies in place now. But the very person negatively affecting my recovery is also the person I love the most. I can't go down with her, but I'm not leaving either.

How do I stay well without letting her down, or feeling alone?

BballJ · ‎09-04-2017

Hi Ezza,

This is an extremely tough one because as you said when both partners are suffering from a mental health concern it is hard to look after each other and yourself as you are aware when you have a mental health concern, you have to look after yourself first. My first question is, is your partner also under care for her mental health condition, seeing a psychologist or a GP about it all?

Have you both considered seeing a counsellor together to try and work out ways to support each other whilst supporting yourselves? In reality you have to almost give yourself 100% attention to get to the point of where you are now which seems you have done extremely well... I think if your partner can get to that point, it will be a heck of a lot easier to support each other.

What sort of stuff do you both do together as well? do you both go out for walks? the movies? visiting family? getting out and doing stuff together may help as well, when my partner and I were struggling, we started walking together and I found it helped us quite a bit, one for our minds but two spending time together.

My best for you and your partner,

Jay

Ezza · ‎10-04-2017

Hi Jay,

Thanks for your reply. You've made some really good points.

She is under a GP MH Plan, and seeing a psychologist on and off for 5 years. Also intermittently addressing her chronic pain issues. But after 6 months she stops, and 12-18 months Iater she gets really bad and I have to give her the 'very serious' talk.

We have been to a psych together, and maybe it's time to go again.

Ive booked 4 days away next week, without kids, to spend quality time together.

I know that being depressed saps energy and motivation from basically everything, but I can't fix everything for her and keep myself in track. It's a frustrating reality.

She wants help but can't seem to drive it herself. She fakes being happy all the time, and I'm not sure she knows I see through it.She blames time, money, kids, work for not doing it. But they are not real issues, they are excuses.

In truth, I'm probanly starting to resentful that I've put in do much time and energy into addressing my issues. And I feel she's not showing me or herself the same respect. I'm worried being the victim is her comfort zone. How do I support breaking that mind set, without taking control of her mental health?

BballJ · ‎10-04-2017

Hi Ezza,

It is tough because as you know, the only real way to come out of a mental health condition and get on top of it is wanting to help yourself, it is the major first step in recovery and I understand she has tried to do it but falls back into the cycle. I like the fact you have booked time away together next week, that is a great thing and I think and hope it will help you both. Possibly look at the couples counselling again. You just have to be there for her, even if it's just reassuring her how much you love her as you clearly do, just the little things I feel.

Maybe she might like to reach out to these forums herself and possibly write on here and get some things off her mind as I find it helps a lot.

You're doing a great job for yourself and for your family, I can tell. Your strength is amazing. Please, keep it up.

My best,

Jay