Struggling to deal with my girlfriends depression - I feel like it is my fault

[TinyRick]

I've been with my girlfriend for about 2.5 years and early in the relationship she opened up about her depression. She was taking antidepressants and did not want me thinking she was 'crazy'. I understood and did all I could to support her. I didn't care (and still don't). I love her and want to be there for her. She would have some bad days but overall she was coping well (or at least it appeared that way). We did lots of things on weekends and holidays and made lots of great memories.

As you do when in a relationship we began talking about the future and the possibility of having children. We are both at the age where friends and family are getting married and starting families of their own.

About six months ago she stopped taking her antidepressants (following advice from a GP about this decision) because she did not want to be on antidepressants if she were to ever fall pregnant for fear of harming the baby.

At first she was coping well but progressively over the last 6 months she has declined significantly. She never wants to leave the house or socialise with others too long, and has struggled to find enjoyment in anything or have anything 'to look forward to'. She looks back on our past and talks about wanting it to go back to the way things were (the good memories).

She has started taking the antidepressants again (2 weeks ago) because she cannot cope without them but has said things that have worried me. I'm afraid to leave her alone because she is feeling so bad. I feel helpless and really don't know what to say or do. I also feel like it is my fault because had I not been around and talked about the future she would have never stopped taking the antidepressants.

It is making me feel down myself. I don't know if she will feel better again. If she doesn't I feel it's because of me. I'm struggling to know what to say or do. It is effecting our relationship.

Has anyone ever had a similar experience? Do you have any advice?

If she keeps up with the antidepressants will I see her beautiful smile again?

[Zeal]

Hi TinyRick,

Welcome to the forum!

I must say, you sound like a really supportive and caring boyfriend. I'm sorry to hear about your girlfriend's mental health decline over the last 6 months. Seeing her mental health worsen would be distressing. Please know that none of this is your fault. You both talked about the future, and it was a decision your girlfriend made (following her GP's advice) to wean off her antidepressants. Talking about the future is natural for a couple, and it sounds as though having kids is something both you and your girlfriend are hoping for at some stage.

I am a girlfriend with OCD/anxiety, which I'm on antidepressants for. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. We want to have kids one day, but not anytime soon (I just turned 24 and aren't ready), so I too will need to wean off my medication.

I feel that it's crucial for your girlfriend to undertake psychological therapy (with a psychologist or similar professional) to complement the effect the antidepressant medication is having, and also to learn psychological skills and coping strategies. Using both psychological therapy and medication together is often most effective. Plus, if/when your girlfriend stops taking antidepressants again in the future, she will have more psychological skills to draw upon. It's important for both of you to talk about what you're happy with right now (and in the near future; i.e. within the next year or two).

Hopefully your girlfriend's mental health will stabilise soon, since she has been taking her antidepressants for a few weeks now. Does she usually see her doctor regularly, like every fortnight?

If you'd like some general tips about supporting your girlfriend, this Beyondblue link is worth checking out: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/bluevoices-community/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety

The fact that you posted on this forum about the concerns you have for your girlfriend and your relationship shows how much you care. She is very lucky to have your support - don't forget that! 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[CJs_mum]

Hi there and welcome. Thank you so much for sharing this!

you are not alone here and we will do everything we can to support you and your lady through your journey.

Ill start with the little red flag I'm sure everyone saw there: It is NOT your fault Hun. Don't ever blame yourself for anyone else's emotions, difficulties, hardships or problems. Now that's said, you certainly have shown yourself to be an amazing boyfriend who is willing to support her through so so much!!

fantastic. I'm so glad that someone's there through everything.

Med will do that- it's a it of a roller coaster, especially if she's been on them/her body and mind used to them for a period of time. The body and moods will need to adjust to getting off them, then going back on. There is no shame in giving it a try without the drugs under a drs watchful care.

(Hey I went cold turkey with a drs permission years ago but now feel I shouldn't have. That's ok)

1) make sure you look after yourself!!

2) get help and support. Talk with talk with friends and family, don't feel it's something you shouldn't talk about. Call Beyond blue on their helpline or see a counsellor -even go chat with her dr to get some info or report how she's Really doing.

3) there's no shame and it's completely understandable her not really wanting to leave the house.

im sure you gently encourage her to go out every now and then.

if she's anything like I was when I was on meds, perhaps start slowly while she's still adjusting to the changes: like a fave takeaway joint, a beach or quiet park, a quiet little cafe or to a trusted friends place, somewhere nice but simple, as she'll take a while to cope with a lot (a lot of noise/people or new stuff all at once).

My parents learnt not to take me to a crowded cinema but after a month, they tried a really little, dark, almost empty one and I loved it!!

Make Le sure you get out and enjoy the good things in life too. Find good, positive things to focus on and do.

And keep posting here! We'd love to hear how you (both) are doing. I wish you strength, luck and love

[geoff]

hi Rick, firstly can I thank Zeal and CJ_mum for their wonderful comments, it's always great to be reassured, plus it's good to know that you care so much for your g/friend.
A young couple seem to compare themselves to their friends who maybe getting married, having children, of course that's going to happen, but it's them not you, you have to decide by yourselves when all of this is going to occur and not feel pressured into making these decisions.
It is an enormous decision to make when she wanted to stop taking her AD's, it's no different than 'when can you cross the road in safety', but if her doctor had agreed then she there was no reason why she shouldn't, however no she had no medical support she then felt asthough she needed to start them again, but it's only been 2 weeks, so they have to start building up within her system once again.
I can't see why you are blaming yourself, I don't think that is required, it was made between her doctor and herself and this is often made because she feels as though she doesn't need to take them anymore because she is feeling terrific, so don't blame yourself.
If she felt great while on them before then there is no reason why she won't feel exactly the same once again, but it may take another few weeks. Geoff.

[TinyRick]

Thanks for the reply Zeal. I've really found it helpful. I discussed the option of seeing a psychologist with my girlfriend and she is going to give it a try.

I'm hopeful that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for her.

[TinyRick]

Thanks for the reply CJs_mum. I appreciate the advice.

We are both football (soccer) supporters, and she also loves movies. I think I will try to use these things to work up to getting her out of the house. Maybe watching a game or movie in the company of close friends and then building up to a more public place like watching a game in the stadium or a movie in a cinema (I might try a less crowded one at first like you suggested)

[TinyRick]

Thanks for the advice Geoff. We have had a good couple of days so I'm hoping their is more better days to come.

It's good to know that when I'm struggling with helping her cope with things that I can turn to these forums for reassurance / advice.

Thanks everyone!