19 year old has been unwell for five years and refuses to seek help

[Vladimir]

Hi all. Just regrouped my thoughts and thought I would try again to get ideas/information / support. The short story is boy became anxious, withdrawn and angry at 14 after a few family tragedies and I was injured at work. He became obsessed with body image and was hospitalised and diagnosed a typical anorexic. He nearly died and I deferred to everything because of my terror. Husband deferred to me because of my terror. Daughter left home. He left school year nine and has spent the last five years gaming and living in filth. Now he is the polar opposite physically. He lifts weights (we made a weight room) but despite his build he covers himself in a blanket because he thinks he's not big enough. I believe it's called body dysmorphia? Did smoke a lot of weed but has backed off but still does. He has lots of friends all getting on with work, uni etc. Mercifully his aggression has abated and the house hasn't needed a repair for a couple of years. He is an intelligent boy, funny, compassionate and has a strong social conscious but he leaves the room rarely and has done two overnight camping trips with friends in this period. I guess the issue is he wants to move on and have his dignity and independence. He is humiliated being nearly 20 still having to ask us for a quid but he won't deal with a doctor let alone a psych and is opposed to meds. He is creative and thankfully hasn't lost his curiosity. Just don't know how to get past that wall and help him on his way. I suspect anxiety and depression but can't have the conversation with him. He can also get quite teary which used to result in violence. That's it. Thanks in advance

[MarkJT]

Vladimir, in short, your lad needs to see a GP and/or psych. That is the plain simple advice. Now i know you said that he doesn't want a bar of it but you are going to have to figure out a way to get this done.

What has driven the thought that he doesn't want to go there? Was it a reflection of his time when he was anorexic?

I think there may be a window of opportunity in that he is creative and curious. For me, my journey through PTSD, depression and anxiety has been a massively fascinating one and I am just so curious of it. When i have my psych sessions, I ask so many questions because I need to get an understanding of what had happened to me. I look forward to my sessions as I get to ask more questions and learn more.

Do you think that this is an avenue that you could use with your lad?

On the forums also, there is a carers thread. You should head over to that one and check it out. You are not alone in this and there would be other people who have faced relatively the same situation.

Mark.

[Guest_89]

Hello Vladimir!

I can relate a lot to him. I'm now 19, but at 14 i had a major trauma and since have been struggling with anorexia and some other mental illnesses. After being admitted to hospital at 16 for severe anorexia, I have had regular therapy and hospital admissions. Now i'm 19, I still struggle with my mental illnesses, but this year I have started my first year of Uni doing psychology... and although everything is very tough and I still have appointments a few times a week and frequent hospital stays, I have achieved a lot and am studying and am living out of home!

I think the difference I have to him is that I've had a lot more medical and psychological intervention. I have a treatment team (which includes a psychologist, psychiatrist, case manager, and gp). I think for him to get better, really all that will help is if you get him to see someone. I know that back at my darkest, and still sometimes today, I struggle to see a point in seeing people about my mental health, and I feel I can't get better and that i don't want to talk about any of it - BUT it really is SO SO SO helpful. Whether he sees it now or not, he NEEDS this help.

[Vladimir]

Thanks Mark. I suppose the whole thing is my inability to approach it. I don't trust myself. He was admitted to hospital only because he passed out and physically he couldn't win. Now he is the polar opposite and until recently had told me he wanted to die. I called acute mental health perhaps two years ago which required cops. They let him go saying he was OK and "call cops if he gets violent" it took a good six months to regain his trust again. I will try the carers forum. Thanks

[Vladimir]

Hi biddyb. Must be something about that age, 14. I'm so pleased you're making headway. The problem still remains that he doesn't want to seek help. He's well aware that he needs it but won't take the step. Thanks for replying and best wishes with everything

[Kean]

Hi Vladimir,

I can understand how hard it is from both your perspective and your sons. I too never wanted to see a doctor or psych, I still don't in most circumstances, but I know now that I couldn't even start to get better on my own. I'm now 25 and finally seeing things straight after spending the better part of my life being angry and ignoring my own health.

For me I had to hit rock bottom before I got help, I hope your son doesn't go that way too. He sounds like he appreciates the need to see someone but has an aversion to actually doing it. From what I have seen and know this is really common, especially in young men. I was forced to speak with various psychologists and at the time I think this made things worse for me because I didn't want to be there, I didn't think I needed to be there and where the opportunity to step forward was presented, I stepped back.

It is important to keep that trust with your son because he will need his family around him and to be able to turn to them. It may not be the immediate solution but have you considered seeking counsel together? It may not be quick and he may not want to be there but if you are there and speak openly it may spark something in him too.

That's how I got there in the end, it was hearing from the people that I was actively hurting that gave me the push to get help. I wouldn't have done that if it was only for myself instead of the people I care about.

I hope you get something from this.

Kean