Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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At a loss of how to help my mother who constantly lies

replies: 3

Hello all I'm new to this and a bit nervous about laying all this bare. My mother is always struggled with her mental health. She has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and had numerous breakdowns over the years. Our problem is that she constantly lies about everything and especially about her health. She lies to health professionals and we truely think that she believes these lies. We are even in belief that she made up a cancer diagnosis and had numerous prophylactic surgeries( it's a very long story). She is currently very fragile mentally and seems delusional and manic. She has told us that she is seeing a psychiatrist and has new meds but all has since been proven to be untrue. She tells my father and my siblings all different stories about her treatment. Every time my poor father wants to believe her but time and time again it is not so. We are worried about this current episode as it seems far worse than others. Physically and mentally she seems to be very unwell. How can you help someone like this? We are at a loss and it seems to be she truely believes she's on the right track with treatment when in fact she isn't getting any at all. I'm so very upset for my mother as it would be horrible to live like this. My father and two younger siblings live with her and and are all struggling with day to day life that all revolves around my mum, her illness and constant lies. Does anyone know what we can do to help her? Can we force evaluations or treatments? Where do we stand? Thank you for reading and I would be so very grateful for any suggestions or advice

My wife just doesn't understand

replies: 5

My wife gets annoyed and upset and all she talks about is how my cyclothymic/deppressive episodes affect her and the children. The other day I forgot where my children were when I had to pick them up after school - it literally took me five minutes to remember they were at a friend's house. She says I simply need exercise and fresh air, and a positive mental attitude" - and acts as if I bring it all on myself, and I'm after attention. I sleep a lot when I'm depressed, and I also get extremely forgetful - and she sees this as lazy and careless. She treats me like a burden and an idiot (probably not deliberately, but that's how I feel). But when I'm "up", I feel top of the world and everything's great. My depressive episodes are lasting longer; perhaps I've tipped into bipolar. I have also had a serious muscular injury which has resulted in not being able to exercise at all since february, and I am missing the entire soccer season, which was something that really made me feel good. I have put on 5+ kilos since. Won't be able to even jog for a few more weeks, and she's throwing advice at me for that too, like she's an expert. I can't try talk to her about it anymore. Are there any resources I can point her to, other than places telling her to "help me get some fresh air"? Thanks in advance, DavieB

Bipolar husband has broken law - pushed to limit

replies: 7

Hello this is my first time writing here.I feel like I'm a shell of the person I used to be. I feel like I need to walk away, whilst also feeling the need/guilt to help him. For 6 years my husband has been diagnosed with bipolar 2. There have been many ups and downs, but I'm always there to support him. Late last year though things changed. He would start rolling his eyes (looking out of it) and deny any drug use instead saying it is a change in his bipolar medication. I then noticed he must have been taking way more than the prescribed amount as I would see a pack with many tablets and then they would be gone quicker than they should be. I've spoken to him and he makes excuses. I've spoken to his mum and she makes excuses for him also. Late last year I forcefully took him to hospital when I thought he had taken something and was saying wierd things. He denied taking anything so hospital thought the may have meningitis, which was never proven. I feel as though perhaps I've developed a mental health issue dealing with everything that's going on and holding it all together. I have no desire to leave the house. My husband does see a psychiatrist but thinks he knows better than them. I am worried about my husband being alone around our kids and the psychiatrist even said he's not in the right state of mind for the responsibility of looking after 3 kids and making responsible decisions. Somehow he manages to continue to work in his own company, allowing me to make sure our children are safe. A few months ago we had a knock on the door and it was police and riot squad with a search warrant. Devastatingly this Showed that he had been using drugs not prescribed for him. Still awaiting what is to happen. I feel that despite the bipolar, what my family has gone through is unacceptable. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? I worry for my kids now and feel I can't continue to support him any longer.

How to help when no help is wanted?

replies: 3

Hello all. I am glad this forum exists, Beyond Blue exists and you all come and share your thoughts. Its nice to know we are not alone. I have moved to Australia with my wife this year. She has always suffered from anxiety. So much that it gets in the way of her hapiness. She worries about every little thing and every little obstacle in her life becomes a reason for panicking and running away. Her parents noticed the syntoms when she was very ill, back in the day when she was a teenager. Since then, she has been to psychologists and these have reffered psychiatrists. She never went to a psychiatrists though. She is sure there is no hope for her and that we all need to accept that is who she is and that there is no changing that... I guess she is right from that perspective and I wouldn't be trying different ways to help if she were in peace with who she is. She suffers, she claims she is always sad and that the little hapiness she has in little moments are always supressed by the feelings of failure, fraud, and so on. I would like to ask you what is the best way to help her? I have been to psychologists with her, but she claims they can't help her and that the reason she is going is because of me, not because of her. I have tried letting it go and allowing it to be, but it always comes back to tears, sadness and screaming when any challange comes her way. Several here have felt like this before. Feeling hopeless and not wanting help from anyone. Feeling like it is best to be alone... What are you advices in how to deal with this? How to help her? How to show her she is not alone (like she claims) and that there are ways in which she can live without all this pain inside her? Thank you.

need to talk

replies: 4

hi I am a mum of what was once a lively buetifull and full of life girl , until she went to high school and all went down hill, she being diagnosed with anxiety and depression and also self harms, I just don't know how to help her , I feel like all I have done for the last eight months is cry and get on with things the hardest part is thinking that she would just get over it but I know now that its not going away with out help and support, and we have got her help but she won't talk , we scared to leave her home alone , in the last month visited emergency department twice ,why we keep asking our selves , thanks for listening just needed to talk to someone

Girlfriend is Depressed / Unlucky with Work

replies: 3

I met my partner Sarah over a year ago and we have both battled with depression for as long as we both can remember. Since we met she has taken an active interest in medication and therapy, and its working wonders. Everything is getting better for her as she re-forges a relationship with her daughter after a divorce, and has a new loving partner in me which she always tells me she never thought she would be so happy. However, she is rather depressed because she wants to work and keeps going for job trials but it never results in a job. I've told her that I want her to be happy but in her own words she wants to: 'be an equal financial contributor to our relationship' & 'not be a financial burden on a man ever again'. This is despite her having savings and settlement money from her divorce and being on centrelink. Not to mention, I work full-time in a great job that pays well. She is also, I don't know how to put this, a little slower to pick things up than others. She's not developmentally challenged either mentally or physically or even handicapped, but I would say it takes a bit longer for things to click, and because of this her feedback to date is that she isn't 'fast enough' or 'takes too long to pick up processes'. I attribute this to her choosing to get married straight out of high school and raising a daughter as a stay at home housewife for over 20 years. She is starting out again and is only now, at the age of 43, entering the workforce with certificates earned online and has minor in-job experience. It's not been easy on her and i've been helping out as much as I can. It really hits me hard because she is the most beautiful soul and is one of the most compassionate people I have ever met, and I just want to wrap her in cotton-wool and protect her from the world. I support her through all she wants to do and always will, but she wants to work and keeps getting depressed when every job she goes for results in a 'sorry, we're not going to hire you'. I am always encouraging and supportive and don't get mad at her no matter what, in fact I never stress over her abilities because she has drive to succeed. I fear for her constantly being rejected and it diminishing her self-worth after she has built herself up after the last year. I guess i've made this post today to ask how I could better support her?

NEWBIE - How can I support my best friend with depression from a distance????

replies: 8

Hi. This is the first time I have ever written in a forum. So I hope this is ok? My best friend who lives in another State is suffering from depression and anxiety. Last year in June she started getting anxiety attacks and depression. She said that she has spent all her life giving to others but has nothing else left for her. She is totally burnt out. As an nurse for 30 years and now health care worker dealing with abused children, her work is very emotionally and mentally draining. A severe case of Compassion fatigue. She has overcome having a stroke in the last five years. Just as she got over that her husband was diagnosed with bone cancer. Last week the cancer came back after being in remission. My question is as we live in different States how can I support her? We used to talk everyday. Either texts, calls or messenger, however during the past year communication has been very spasmodic from her end. I have been sending her supportive texts, and for every week for the past year I have sent her cards of support and encouragement. I told her there was no pressure to respond. I have asked if I can call her but she tells me she isn't up to talking. Since her husbands latest diagnosis last week she has completely shut down. She asked for space which I am currently giving her. I understand that she needs to process this recent information regarding her husband. But I now feel like I have abandoned her? How can I give her the space she has asked for but still support her. I am finding being separated by so much distance is hard as I can't just give her a hug or sit quietly and hold her hand, just BE WITH her and let her know she is not alone. That I am here. I would love to hear how other people support friends or family with depression/anxiety when they live a long distance away. I would appreciate any advice as I am so concerned about her. All I do is think about her and ways I can help her. We were so close. She is my best friend...But now we are like strangers Thanks

My husband has depression

replies: 5

Hey everyone, I am new. I joint beyond blue as my husband has depression and it's ruining our relationship. I feel as though I am his punching bag. He is this amazing, strongman but his depression is crippling him. I'm his punching bag and he knows he is doing it and always apologises after but I'm a always walking on egg shells. He has seen someone for a couple of sessions then stopped and has agreed he should be on medication to help him but it's a slow process getting him to do anything. Last weekend he was telling me he was struggling with this life and that I am this amazing person this week I am the worst person in the world and he is over our relationship. We will be fantastic for a while best friends then he gets upset and says horrible things and won't have anything to do with me. I want to help him get through this as he is such an amazing husband but I just need someone to help me know im not alone. Thanks everyone

I'm at my wits end with my partner and his depression

replies: 9

Now where do I start: I've been with my partner for 8 years we are taking some time out right now. We live an hour from each other seeing each other every weekend and some week nights. He's been married with 3 kids in their early 20s separated for 12 years, very bitter breakup and still is. He's had depression for quite some time maybe 4 years now after his mum passed away, but I think he's had it a lot longer but was able to contain it. These last four years have been so frustrating as he's such a caring thoughtful man, he'd wash and polish my car or suprise me with a night in the city, always doing things for me that I so appreciate, but the next day he can be cold and pick on me for little things like if I've dropped something I need to be more careful even though it was an accident, telling me I have no friends,telling me to go home if I don't cut up the meat for the pasta sauce the way he wants me to, I find myself lashing out and getting very angry and frustrated so I go home and we don't talk, I get stonewalled till he feels better, he knows he has depression his doctor has confirmed that but he won't take it further, and refuses to take any medication or see a therapist, instead stays in his pjs all day watching show after show not showering and not going out, it's like I'm on a roller coaster and I can't get off, part of me feels guilty for getting so angry with him but I can't stand and I won't take his unreasonable crap he dishes out, I don't know whether to leave him and scare him into getting help, he is one of ten kids he's close to one sister that's it. He's close to his kids but does the same to them with his sarcasm, it's like he doesn't think of what comes out of his mouth and then has to suffer the consequences when people bite back at him, sometimes I'm not sure whether he has depression or bipolar 2, his father was abit like him but his father was a mean man a lot of the time. Now I'm finding myself angry and frustrated a lot of the time, sometimes I just feel like running away, I still love my partner very much but this is becoming all too hard

Need help please so confused! Partner is pushing me away!!

replies: 5

I’m currently going through the rollercoaster of not knowing what to do. We have been together for 4 years and everything was great, Then things started to change. He started not helping around the house and started going out with his football friends and drinking. He would come home early in the morning after i would be up all night worried. And he would sleep all the next day. I have known he has had depression as when we met he was suffering but it disappeared. Then one day he stopped saying i love you and that he doesnt know if he loved me anymore. From there he has been pushing me away to the point where I am now. He is getting help and his first appointment is Wednesday. I love this guy with all my heart and it’s killing me that he is like this. I know depression causes people to feel numb and doubt things that’s where he is at. He doesnt know what he wants but doesnt want me to leave. I asked him last night of I should leave and He said stay. He broke up with me last week saying he needs space to get himself fixed. We are still living together and he still calls me by my pet and we Give each other an occasional hug and snuggle - no nookie!, i want to support him as the road ahead is going to be rough for him. He came over from america and only really has me as a main support. But I’m trying to work out whether the relationship will survive and how do I make it survive? Will he get rid of the numbness and doubt?

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

At a loss of how to help my mother who constantly lies replies: 3

My wife just doesn't understand replies: 5

Bipolar husband has broken law - pushed to limit replies: 7

How to help when no help is wanted? replies: 3

need to talk replies: 4

Girlfriend is Depressed / Unlucky with Work replies: 3

NEWBIE - How can I support my best friend with depression from a distance???? replies: 8

My husband has depression replies: 5

I'm at my wits end with my partner and his depression replies: 9

Need help please so confused! Partner is pushing me away!! replies: 5