Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Am I fighting a losing battle

replies: 2

So I have never written on here but desperately need advice. Hubby of 21 yrs has been diagnosed with depression anxiety and ptsd, for the last 12 months he has become distant and pushing me away physically and emotionally. He works away so that doesn't help. He is very flat and has a change in personality. He has been through a lot in his life and never dealt with any of it, it's now crushing him. It's hard to watch what is happening to him and us. He has started medication two months ago and has seen a physiologist four times but it's hard as he's away a lot. He now focused on problems with our marriage ( I thought we have a great one we never even argue) and how his feelings have changed and I'm better off without him. He hasn't even talked about all his lose and trauma just making it about us. I am fighting to hold it together he is the love of my life what do I do my heart is breaking

Emotional dysregulation

replies: 4

I got an email from my daughter's psyc today saying her behaviour was due to her emotional dysregulation. She has bipolar. I have done a quick google but I don't really understand. In layman's terms what is emotional dysregulation with someone with b... View more

How to help a friend with suspected depression

replies: 2

Hi, Thank you for taking the time to read. Myself and a few mutual friends are very concerned about a friend of ours. We suspect depression, but to our knowledge it hasn't been diagnosed. A friend of ours has progressively become more and more unwell, often lamenting on facebook that she has no friends, that no one cares about her, that the whole world is against her and that she should just give up. Try as we might to try and make her feel better nothing seems to make her feel better (of course we can't "make" her feel better though). I want to broach the subject about talking to someone and possible treatment, whether that be drugs, psycologist etc I don't know, but I do know that her first response will be "I can't afford that" I would offer to pay for her but I also know that her response will be to flately refuse to accept any sort money. To be clear this friend has had some serious health issues which have forced her out of her work that she adored and she will not be able to get back into due to physical limitations. She is extremely intelligent and worked damn hard to get herself through another high level degree, but now HATES her work so constantly feels like she has nothing to live for. So who/where can I direct her to get some free support? Any direction would be much appreciated

Caught in the middle of the system

replies: 2

HI Been reading the forums for a while but first time posting to hopefully get some advice. This is the back story. Last Year my 27 year old son was hospitalized twice after suddenly becoming paranoid no illicit drugs or alcohol involved. He became health obsessed following a panic attack. Left hospital medicated and slowly improved though meds were changed due to heart palps. This caused a descent into depression. Meds were changed again and slow improvement. For one week we felt we had our son back. Then in the course of 1 /12 weeks he has blown$10 000 he doesn't have and is now in debt and only on Centrelink. Caught between comhet team who don't seem to think this is urgent and his meds could not have contributed. Not functioning in his life overwhelmed by his issues. We are not well enough off for private hospital/drs and seems we can't get help unless he is a threat to himself. I am heartbroken with all the lying and cheating he has done. Is this it? What am I supposed to do? Hoping someone might be able to provide guidance. Apologies for long post.

New to this site. Supporting my two beautiful adult sons

replies: 4

Hi. I'm new to this site. I am not seeking anything, but the opportunity to vent. I have very little support, if any. No one who is willing to walk with me on my journey, know exactly what is going on in my life, who can just send me a text every now & then saying 'I love you', 'Thinking of you'. The supporter needs some support. I now realise this. I have 2 grown sons, 25 & 29. I raised these amazing boys on my own from 10 & 14yrs. Their father (an ex-soldier) has barely been in one son's life and not in the other; for the past 7 years. His new wife successfully pushed them out of his life, and my ex allowed this to occur. He now has PTSD. My sons grew up to be great men. One is a lawyer and the other in a Cth Gov job. I'm so so proud of them. However, one has struggled with depression for the past 7years, & will not get professional help (he went to a psychologist once & they didnt hit it off, so he now thinks they are all no good). For the past 2 years, my other son has had depression and anxiety. He is seeking help but his psychologist just left to do another type of work in the field, so now has none. Both have tried multiple antedepressants, with nil luck so far. I have been trying to support them both, in ernest, for the past 12 months when they both worsened (supporting the younger for a few years longer). It's the hardest thing I've had to do, watching the loves of my life struggle & rarely see them happy. I've had a hard life, but this takes the cake. It's made harder as both are very private & wont open up to me very much (1 more than the other). I'm still learning how to support them better, I've made mistakes - but I'm learning as I go. I work full time and have a hugely stressful job, so no respite. The pain I feel when I see them hurting and can't fix it (typical mum trait, I know) is immense - as is the happiness when I see them occasionally smile or laugh. I've never felt so lonely as I have felt, lately. My siblings just don't know what to say, so say nothing. I'm in this on my own. I'm now seeing a psychologists but it's only for coping strategies; it doesn't take my pain away of going through this. To all supporters out there - I 'get' you. You're all amazing. Best wishes & love.

Newbie - husband with mental illness & marijuana use

replies: 4

I'm new here but hope by reaching out via this forum might help. I've been married for 8 years and my husband has always smoked marijuana since way before we met. I didn't have a problem with it socially but he smoked more days than not. He has been the stay at home dad for the past 18 months while I work full time. We agreed on this arrangement to save on childcare. But I always wanted him to return to work once our children went to school which they now are. He has always been controlling and emotionally abusive. About 8 months ago we had a blow up and he started preaching . But he also started spending time watching lots of shows online about higher beings etc. and believes he has found ancient techniques from which he will transform into a lighter being. 3 weeks ago I took him to the hospital hoping I could get them to prove to him that he was imagining it and to cut a long story short he is now under a Community Order and on medication. He is furious with the situation and still believes in his abilities and the higher beings. But he is also refusing to stop smoking, angry at me for not supporting his beliefs and continually threatening to leave me and the children. And I harbour thoughts this might be the best thing for us all. But I also worry as he has no one else. And I want to help him get better. But I'm not sure even if we get the mental illness under control whether he will always just be a controlling emotionally abusive man that I am better to leave now with my young children.

Husband has anxiety, depression and possible PTSD

replies: 8

I'm after some advice/help on dealing with my husband. He has depression and anxiety (both diagnosed) and the more i read about PTSD, the more i think he has it. He has been in the defence force for 10 years and served overseas twice. Last year he had a friend with PTSD commit suicide. He was receiving help through the forces, but has stopped as he no longer wants to be medically downgraded. So i'm not sure exactly what he did or didn't tell them. He was on medication, but that made him angry, which just made things worse. He has problems with alcohol and is currently on a low after a big night last week. Coffee is also a problem. Things are getting worse, not better. We have an 8 month old son and very few friends near by. Even when he is home, he is not really here. He is still currently on sleep medication, even though he told them he had stopped. He is over sensitive to noise, on the weekend he was getting angry saying i was slamming the car door (on purpose to annoy him). He could not understand i would not purposefully do something to annoy him. He swore at me and called me an idiot. I'm scared he will lash out one day. I asked him what makes him happy and he said being alone. Has anybody been through this? As either the person or their partner? I really don't know what to do.

13 years together, and now he wants a space to sort things out

replies: 7

Hello all How are you? I moved to this country to be with my partner. We were just like any other couples - we fought, made up, have fun times together, spoke of 'eventual' kids, etc. In 2009, he started to exhibit the symptoms of depression. He tried medication, but it did not seem to help him with depression much. Then the depression went into a remission. Or maybe it has always been there and neither of us really did not notice, or maybe it was just me because he may have hidden it from me as well. In 2014, he started to exhibit irritability and sadness again. So we took a trip overseas, back to my home country, and he enjoyed the two weeks we have stayed there. Then it started to become downhill. His symptoms became worse and worse. I encouraged him to visit a GP again and this time he found a psychologist that he seemed to click with. He tried few more meds but could not seem to find the right one working for him as of yet. He just mainly sticks to counseling for now. He dropped a bombshell on me on Wednesday night. I came home from work and he was very ill, so I left him alone to sleep. Around 10pm, I woke to him becoming restless in the living room, so I went in and he told me. He has been sleeping in a separate room for over a month because he was having a problem with insomnia and any tiny movement that i have made in my sleep has caused him to not be able to relax. That was when he has told me that he could not live like this anymore and wanted to move out to sort things out, and he has already rented an apartment just few meters down from where we were currently at. He was feeling sick all day because he thought I was going to lose it at him. Logically, I know it is a right thing to do to let him go and sort this out own his own. After all, it is NOT my job to make him better. I broke down and started to cry and he said it was not fair for me to deal with a broken man, and he would have cried if he still could of because he was just as devastated. Next day when I came back from work, I have told him that it was admirable of him for wanting to tackle his depression. I will send him off with a smile because I really love him and do not want him to be discouraged by me being weak. But god, when will tears stop? I have been hiding them from him in fear of making him feel even more bad. I know he did not mean it for me to get hurt but I feel so lost. I just pray everyday now for him to get better soon. That's the least I can do.

How to cope with daughter that just doesn't seem to be getting better

replies: 1

I have a 20 year old daughter who has severe depression and anxiety and has been unwell for 2.5 years now. She got depressed when she finished school but prior to that had been very normal, sociable, and loved to dance. She has been having professional help since she has been unwell (psychology and anti depressants - has been on 4 different ADs) and whilst she is perhaps a little bit better (which I think is only due to the maturity that 2.5 years brings), she is in no way back to her normal self and lives a totally different life to her peers. We have spared no expense and feel like we have tried everything for her - counsellors, career counsellors, holidays, work experience, moved out of home, moved back home, went to uni, work, exercise, healthy eating ) but she is just not better. I get so disheartened and feel that maybe she is never going to get better and will have a residual disability as it's been so long now. We live in a town where most of the young people move away to go to uni (all her friends and even her younger sister have left) but she is still at home, she got a really high ATAR in year 12 and could do anything at uni but she has no ambition, no direction and just wants to live at home with me. I am finding it really hard as I am emotionally exhausted, probably grieving the normal daughter that I once had and am now at the point where I dread being around her and am even avoiding her as I am losing my tolerance and patience. She is very clingy and dependent on me which I am finding really annoying, especially considering her age. she recently went away for a few days and I felt so good being away from her and doing my own thing. She had an OK time away, although had a panic attack and came back saying she would never want to live there. I am exhausted and have lost hope and I am on my own with her as my husband works away and my other daughter has moved away to uni. Its just so sad to see her, especially considering the potential that she had when she left school. I am all she has and if I am not coping she has no one. I've seen counsellors and psychologists about this to try to get some coping strategies. is there anything I can do to help her get better or if she's not going to better soon, how can I cope or what approach can I take to help me cope and support her rather than want to avoid her?

Exhausted Carer

replies: 7

My daughter is now 27 and was initially diagnosed with depression when she was 16 and was medicated after talking with a counsellor. She has since had 2 suicide attempts and another recent admission for a psychosis subsequently thought to have been brought on by stress. She has had extensive amounts of counseling. Her most recent diagnosis is bipolar but she has also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She has lived out of home for a short period but is now living back home after one of her suicide attempts. I live on my own but have in recent years been in a long distance relationship seeing my partner every few weeks - we are hoping that long term we will live together. At the moment I work full time and do lots of things to help myself such as cycling, walking, meditating and counseling from time to time. What I am finding hard is the effect her mood has on mine - I find myself walking home at the end of the day wondering if she will be lying in her darkened room (I am however grateful she does do part time work). I really don't want to go home a lot of the time as I know that on top of feeling worried a lot of the time, my heart sinks even lower if she is in her bed or in an obvious low mood. Recently she was in a relationship and she was at times the happiest I have seen her in a long while but that has become somewhat uncertain and I worry how she will cope if it completely ends. I feel very conflicted with wanting to have my relationship with my partner and my support for her when she needs it - unfortunately it makes me feel quite resentful. I feel there are very few occasions when I can feel completely at ease. It is often hard to switch off my feelings at work. How do other people cope - it all feels so bleak at times - she knows in theory the things she needs to do to look after herself but just doesn't do it. It is hard to be under the same roof and see someone eat so poorly and not exercise but I hold my tongue as she just tells me how much it annoys her and makes her feel like doing the opposite if I make any gentle suggestions. I feel so sad that she has put on so much weight. I try to be a role model and take good care of my health but I am constantly in an anxious state and my sleep is poor. How do others on their own deal with these mixed emotions, feelings of helplessness and no optimism for the future?

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Am I fighting a losing battle replies: 2

Emotional dysregulation replies: 4

How to help a friend with suspected depression replies: 2

Caught in the middle of the system replies: 2

New to this site. Supporting my two beautiful adult sons replies: 4

Newbie - husband with mental illness & marijuana use replies: 4

Husband has anxiety, depression and possible PTSD replies: 8

13 years together, and now he wants a space to sort things out replies: 7

How to cope with daughter that just doesn't seem to be getting better replies: 1

Exhausted Carer replies: 7