Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Tell me it gets better

replies: 11

Hi there, I've been with my husband for nearly 20years, married for nearly 8years. Long story short my husband has always been up and down with his moods, has been a spontaneous spender, has been a big drinker, and had an addictive personality. After things getting really really bad earlier this year, he finally got referred to a psychiatrist who has initially diagnosed him with bi-polar. But he had been previously put on two types of drugs to help with his back injury that have in turn been making his bi-polar symptoms worse. So it has taken a month or so to get off one of these anti-depressant meds before steps can be taken to treat the actual bi-polar. During this time his moods are even more up and down, and now he has come off the anti-depressants he has more emotion back - including frustration and anger. He has a short fuse at the moment so it feels like it is just another issue to add to the long list. Almost every day I am in tears from despair of what to do and how to help him, from financial stress due to me having to work three jobs (while looking after 3 children under the age of 7) due to him either not being able to work, or not being able to invoice the work he does (he is self-employed), from trying to come to terms that I am not going to have the married and family life I had always thought I would - the list goes on and on. I feel so overwhelmed by it all - and am really scared that even once he starts getting treatment for the bi-polar, that things are not going to get much better. Do I want to leave and try to provide my children a more stable upbringing? Do I leave now and do this? I really don't want to - I love my husband (whoever he is now) and I know the children love their dad (when he is well), I just am really struggling as to what the future holds. I don't think I can cope if it stays like this. So, for those that have been with their spouse or defacto etc before being diagnosed and then also after. Does it get better? Will our life ever be like a 'normal' happy family? Thanks for reading

Husband recently diagnosed with depression. I'm struggling.

replies: 1

Hi guys I'm new here. I just need to vent to people who may understand my situation. Just in the last week I have had my life flipped upside down and shaken. My husband has been diagnosed with depression. Leading up to the diagnosis he was pulling away from me, barely sleeping, Spending a lot of time alone, Thinking. He told me he wasn't happy when he was at home with me and our son. He said he felt like a stranger in our home. And he was happier when he was on his own. So the week unraveled pretty rapidly. In a matter of days he was sleeping on the lounge-to going to his father to stay for a few days, told me he wasn't I love with me anymore and then I found messages to another woman- all the time he was spending alone, he was actually confiding in a female work college he barely knows. At first when I asked him to see a doctor he refused but eventually decided to go and he was diagnosed with depression. He is now taking antidepressants and sleeping tablets. And is back at work. We are living together but separately so he can still see our son everyday. He seems to be ok for the most part (Better then he was a week ago). But I am falling apart. I'm struggling not having him as my husband. The no affection. The loneliness. He has told me he wants to give the medication and counseling a chance to work before he decides anything about us but he has told me he wants things to go back to the way they were a few weeks/months ago. Then he has also told me at the moment he doesn't want to be 'husband and wife'. I just don't know how to help him get back to that. I desperately miss him. But don't want to push him away any further. my need to 'help him' takes over. I know my approach has been all wrong but I just feel so helpless, panicked. I don't know what to do from here.

Partner with depression

replies: 1

My partner of 14 years has pretty severe depression right now. Having been through it myself I'm doing my best to help. But tonight I feel like its at its worst. He's gotten angry with me for having friends that I talk to when he doesn't (or doesn't think) he has any friends, and it's made me feel like I have to stop talking with my friends to make him happy. All he seems to do all is go to work, have dinner, go to bed, got to work. We don't sleep together anymore because his snoring is horrendous and I have severe insomnia. On the weekends he spends most of it asleep. He's also had a lot of time off work because he's so tired he can't get out of bed or he just feels sick. He goes to the doctor regularly and they keep increasing his meds but nothing seems to be helping. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Anxious and depressed boyfriend, please help

replies: 9

Hi everyone, first time poster here. My boyfriend of 18months suffers from depression and severe social anxiety. This was diagnosed about a year ago. He has been up and down since, gone through 2 jobs. At the start of this year we decided to move to a new town with my family for a fresh start. He started at a new job and 2 weeks ago was sick for a day.... he hasnt gone back. Last week he had 5 heavy panic attacks lasting over an hour each time, numb body the lot. Since this the worry and panic is always there. He tells me he wants to get up and go to work but he cant because he wont fight his fears. Basically I am seeking some reassurance, good stories, tips to help him. At this point I feel like I am somewhat babying him to much, but im scared if i give the tough love approach it could end badly. Thanks everyone

I need help with my partner's Depression

replies: 2

My partner has depression and has had it way before I met him.He doesn't want to communicate with me and never wants to do anything.He has know motivation.He is on medication but it doesn't seem to help him.We are are currently having time apart because he wants his space.He said that he feels alone and doesn't know where he is going in his life. He disappeared last week for 5 hours as he has a problem with gambling his money away.Im not sure if this is a trigger from been depressed or just an addiction.I do worry about him and it's hard for me to cope with and I try to help and be there for him.but I can't if he keeps pushing me away. I am sure if he had the right medication it might take the edge off.He is on antidepressants and has been off and on for years. But I can't see any change. Do you think if he some other kind of medication it would help him. He was having counseling which I think helped, but it wasn't really for him it was for us.He thought we needed help.but I think he honestly needs it.Please help me cope with this.Dont know what to do here.

My husband has become emotionally detached since taking medication.

replies: 3

I noticed my husband change several weeks ago. He used to be very loving towards me but has become cold and detached. I thought he was having an affair but found out he started taking medication back in May. He didn't discuss this with me and I can't believe how much his personality has changed since. Example, he would always give me cards with lengthy sentiments regarding our relationship. I just had a birthday and for the first time in 25 years, he didn't even get me a card. He didn't acknowledge our 20th Wedding Anniversary either and when I cried in front of him he had no empathy whatsoever, he told me he didn't feel like celebrating it and walked away. Of course he may simply have decided he no longer cares for me but I cannot believe how out of character his behaviour is since starting this medication. I feel like he has just checked out of our marriage but I am thinking the medciation has made him like this or is it just a coincidence? When I tried to talk to him rationally, he says he feels nothing and is just numb. He said he has been suffering from anxiety which I know is caused by stress at work. I really don't want this to end but I can't bear this to be our future. Any advice would be appreciated....

My son has cut me off

replies: 18

I raised my son and oldest daughter as a single parent after their father and I split when they were 2 and 3 years old. My x-husband had little to do with the kids and only saw them sporadically over the years. They are now 30 and 31yrs. I've now also got a younger daughter (their half sister) with my partner of the last 16 yrs. My problem is that my son has stopped contacting me (though is still in touch with his older sister) and has made it clear he thinks little of me/us. He has only seen his younger sister 5 or 6 times since she was born.He was married last year and we were excluded from any preparations and were only sent an invite 6 weeks before the event. On the day, we were very much in the background and for me it felt like a sad day rather than a celebration. We have a complex family history and over the years, I tried shielding the kids from the difficult issues, but he has been filled in on details by his father and other relatives. He ihas been very angry with me for this on and off over the years and I believe is very bitter. These are not circumstances that I can or anyone else could ever have changed. At times, he has caused a lot of tension between me and family acquaitances by sharing his anger about me and some of this personal information. Im at a loss as to what to do about this situation. I can't appeaL to his wife for help because I don't think she is sympathetic to me (our) situation and I don't want to use her to sort out our problem. Sometimes I think he might one day resolve his anger, but I see that as time is passing, any resolution or reconciliation is less ans less likely. I become very anxious at times knowing I might never see him again. jc

Trying but not succeeding .... advice please

replies: 1

Hi, I've been with my partner for 2.5 years. He is a good person and treats me well when the depression isn't there. Our relationship has been a challenge with both of us experiencing pain traumatic situations in the past (his mother passed away a few months prior to us meeting & I had came out of domestic violence). Despite the emotional challenges we faced, we were determined to work it out and overcome our pasts. He had experienced depression off and on and I have had an anxiety disorder which I am managing. We both work shifts but try to spend time together when we can. The last few months my partner has struggled with depression. He is lethargic, no sex drive and shuts off mentally. I try to talk to him and understand what is going on for him but he says he can't put it into words. I am really trying to be there for him but it's taking it's toll on me. I know it must be hard for him to feel like this but it's a struggle for me when nothing I do seems right. He accuses me of not being there and says I only care about myself and how his depression is affecting me. I try to explain to him that it's difficult to understand when he won't talk to me. He gives me the silent treatment and comes up with all these imaginary scenarios in his head which make him more depressed. I tell him that if he is worried about something to talk with me so I can talk him through things but he won't. He says he doesn't know what to say, which I understand but I am getting tired of him saying I'm not there for him when he won't let me be. I feel so helpless and I really do want to be there for him but I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel lonely and like depression is taking this wonderful man from me and there's nothing I can do. I have spent nights crying because I feel frustrated. He doesn't see what I am going through behind the scenes but still accuses me of not caring. How do I talk to him when he shuts me out? How do I be there when he won't talk to me about things? I am feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle and not sure how much longer I can go on before I get depressed too.

Living with a depressed husband?

replies: 1

Hi there, my husband has been suffering with depression for years which basically shows in at least one massive outburst every year and also general unhappiness sometimes. During these outbursts he questions everything, tells me a lot of hurtful things and leaves no doubt on his doubts. He has told me so many painful things he believes are going wrong, that I am not sure anymore whether this is just depression talking or whether he may be depressed because of those things going wrong. Especially in our relationship. He holds things against me that seem miniscule, like me not liking to drive our car (although I do and can) and he makes those issues big reasons why he struggles. He told me he struggles every day with the thought of issues in our relationship at the moment. Things like him potentially wanting kids and me not, me loving travel and him just wanting to hide away at his mum's etc. He is chopping and changing from excited about our upcoming holiday to telling me that he only plays excited for me but finds the thought of travel terrible and exhausting. Hhas, in the past, sought help from psychologists and we have twice gone to counselling together. Every time it helped, however, it was just never a long-term help and relief. We do not seem to break the cycle with him having depressive tendencies that come back up after a few months of help. And I understand that this happens given that depression is a matter that can be managed, yet not cured. I have spoken to him again yesterday and after some initial resistance got him to find help for his own sake. So he will be reaching out to his EAP and a few other options today and I really hope it will help and last. In the past, he went to a few sessions, kind of felt better but then stopped. I do not believe anymore that occasional help is enough. I think he will need ongoing support, maybe even medication (which he is likely not open to). Although he only has annual big outbursts, he is constantly unsure about things and doubting them. The only reason why he has outbursts is because he bottles things up over the months leading up to it. So that makes me wonder whether he actually feels truly happy at any time at all. And I am coming to a point where I can’t help but feel that maybe he truly is in the wrong relationship. I am generally happy with him but if he just isn’t, maybe it’s not because he is depressed but because we are really not good for one another. I just really don’t know what to do.

S/O depression?

replies: 2

Hello, I have posted on this forum before regarding my own problems with mental health over a year ago. I managed to get treated and have been feeling relatively normal and positive about the future. I am writing here now as I am concerned about my partner of 8 years. I don't want to go into too much detail as I don't want to write allot for people to read. The main issue is that recently he has become withdrawn and doesn't engage me unless i ask him something, his response is usually blunt, I think that he may be saying whatever he thinks will stop the engagement from going any further. He has been sleeping allot, avoiding his duties with his school work. He has been drinking alcohol for a while, recently that has been replaced with marijuana and the last week or so he has had abused valium. The other behaviour is that he is constantly on the internet and has no interest in anything else. My attitude shifts between trying to motivate him to being completely accepting and looking after him unconditionally. I have tried talking to him about the possibility of "depression" and he will say he is completely fine and that I am wrong about all of my concerns that indicate a mental health problem (drinking, taking drugs, withdrawn behaviour). It was kind of concerning that he denied many things that he had said/done which can be backed up with online conversations, and it made me think that perhaps I am crazy, he also sort of blocked out that he has any potential problem and that I was the one that one with mental health problems and should see a psychologist. Anyway, I actually feel a bit worried about my mental health now, because I after this conversation I am starting to feel upset and doubting my mental health, his belief that I have problems seems nuts because before today I have been happier/more relaxed than I have ever been. Anyway, I don't know what to do.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Tell me it gets better replies: 11

Husband recently diagnosed with depression. I'm struggling. replies: 1

Partner with depression replies: 1

Anxious and depressed boyfriend, please help replies: 9

I need help with my partner's Depression replies: 2

My husband has become emotionally detached since taking medication. replies: 3

My son has cut me off replies: 18

Trying but not succeeding .... advice please replies: 1

Living with a depressed husband? replies: 1

S/O depression? replies: 2