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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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trying_to_help_depressedb How to help my depressed ex-boyfriend from a distance
  • replies: 4

Hey everyone! Three months ago my ex ended our relationship after almost 3 years because of his battle with depression. This was really confusing because he told me none of this was my fault, and it left me feeling a bit helpless. Since then I've don... View more

Hey everyone! Three months ago my ex ended our relationship after almost 3 years because of his battle with depression. This was really confusing because he told me none of this was my fault, and it left me feeling a bit helpless. Since then I've done my best to keep myself in check and make sure I'm prioritising myself for the time being. As well as this, I've been studying up and trying to familiarise myself as much as I can with depression and its consequences, potential treatments and just generally how to support my ex whilst being sensitive to his struggle. Within the last month or so, he and I have communicated that we still have strong feelings for each other and he says that he hopes for and wants a future between us. However, for now - he says that he doesn't think a relationship will work because of his condition and that he just wants to be his "old self" (referring to who he identifies himself to be before this depressive episode). I've made it clear to him that I refuse to rush him or pressure him in to anything, and if the time comes that he feels ready, we will progress from there. I still love him so much and I try my best to show him support and unconditional love, without smothering, because he is so important to me and he is my favourite person in the entire world. So, with all of that being said, does anyone have any advice on how to be there for him, without putting any strains or pressures on him? For example, I like to take him to dinner and send him cute pictures of dogs that make him laugh. Things like that Thank you!

Bluebelly Drawing the line between caring for another and self care?
  • replies: 3

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for nearly a year. She is kind, supportive, playful/sassy, and so smart. We are both in our early 20s. Even when I first met her, she was already dealing with her mental health (anxiety/depression). She ... View more

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for nearly a year. She is kind, supportive, playful/sassy, and so smart. We are both in our early 20s. Even when I first met her, she was already dealing with her mental health (anxiety/depression). She is willing to acknowledge that she has a problem, but is unwilling to see doctors (mostly because of her family's attitude to mental illness) and cost of treatment, so she refuses to do anything about it. When she is sad (which is almost every day), she has moments where she becomes irrationally angry at the trivial, and at that point she lashes out at everyone who is around (which is usually me), blocks me out, won't listen to anything/anything I say makes her angrier, and (due to my own anxiety) can make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I've learnt to let her be sometimes, but I can't always be in a good mood myself to not let it get to me. I know how important communication is in a relationship, but every time I calmly try to discuss the things that hurt me or I disliked or even could be done differently, she becomes incredibly self-degrading and blocks herself off from the world. Her usually teasing and sarcastic self becomes silent and meek. She has extremely low self esteem, and when she's in that state, she believes that she is not good enough for me/too mean/abusing me/a terrible person/etc. Instead of acknowledging the issue, she turns to self hatred, won't let me comfort her physically, and nothing I seem to say is right (usually because I genuinely am not good at saying comforting things in that situation: I'm more of a speak with my actions type of person). I also have depression/anxiety (medicated), and each time it makes me panic about the impact of all this on the relationship, even though I know it's ok. One of the most hurtful things that she has said to me at that point is that she finds it difficult to believe me when I tell her that I love her. I enjoy time spent with her (even when she is sad), but sometimes she doesn't really enjoy herself on dates/wants to leave early because she is too anxious about getting work done, and I feel like I miss out on a lot of fun shared moments I could be having. She insists we can stay if I want, but I can't have fun if she isn't. I don't want her to feel bad. I know it's not her fault. But it affects me and I need to do something. How can I set a boundary for my own well being? And how can I/should I try to urge her seek help if she refuses?

Marcsa 2nd Hospital Event- My Son
  • replies: 6

Hi all, Just sending this out to the cosmos. Not expecting much because I've done pretty as much as I can. Last Wednesday, my son I thought went to an appt with Mental Health Team (case manager). Said he would after this travel to visit and stay with... View more

Hi all, Just sending this out to the cosmos. Not expecting much because I've done pretty as much as I can. Last Wednesday, my son I thought went to an appt with Mental Health Team (case manager). Said he would after this travel to visit and stay with his gf, who lives 3-4hrs drive away. I received a phone call from case manager Thursday morning saying he had been admitted to hospital. Of course, I was in shock. I am still devastated to some degree. Case manager said he (my son) didn't want to see his family. Devastated. Sad. On the Friday morning, I spoke with a psychiatrist, who said it might be good if I would go in and we all - the Team, my son and myself - could have a talk. I suppose I felt a bit heard or listened to. There was still much to say. I was, on that morning, at the point of saying that I could no longer live with my son as he had lied to me. He has lied many times, and as a parent and living in the same house, etc etc - I just cannot take it anymore. My son is an adult and emotionally the transition to adulthood has been fraught. Perhaps as a single parent with my own crappy issues, I didn't reach the expectations of myself or my son. I feel like I am in mourning. I don't think we can ever go back. The trust is completely lost, gone and trampled. It feels pretty painful. I didn't think that a person could make me cry this much again - after the separation divorce etc. In some ways this is much worse, hope is but a vague wispy shadow.

LeanneB My son has severe anxiety and I'm not sure how to help
  • replies: 2

Hi there, For the last 12 months or so my 17 year old son has been suffering from social/generalized anxiety. He has always been a shy boy and had difficulty making new friends. I thought it was just how he was and that he would become more confident... View more

Hi there, For the last 12 months or so my 17 year old son has been suffering from social/generalized anxiety. He has always been a shy boy and had difficulty making new friends. I thought it was just how he was and that he would become more confident as he grew older. He is now in Year 11 at an all boys school and has been relatively happy at this school up until Year 9. He had a few close friends who shared his love of playing soccer and everything seemed ok. Last year during Year 10 he began not wanting to attend school and I had a call from one of his friend's Mum stating that his friend was worried about him as he wasn't himself and was spending recess and lunch standing to one side and playing on his phone instead of joining in on conversations as previously. This has since become worse and he now stays home more than he attends school. He tells me he has no friends in his classes and sits by himself and doesn't talk to anyone and of course this is causing him to be miserable. He says it is too late to change anything now and he just needs to 'get through it'. He says he wants to complete school but he doesn't attend which has become a vicious cycle of not attending, missing work, having to catch up which is causing more stress. He did see a Psychologist for most of last year although this did not seem to help him much. He will be starting with a new Psychologist shortly. Any ideas on how I can help him to attend school on a more regular basis in the meantime?

Barty174 I am scared and lost about my wifes depression
  • replies: 3

Hi peeps, This is a first for me but I am struggling. My wife of 22yrs has recently been diagnosed with moderate depression. I love her so much and I am struggling and hurting bad. I am doing my best to support and care for her. We walk 10km a day an... View more

Hi peeps, This is a first for me but I am struggling. My wife of 22yrs has recently been diagnosed with moderate depression. I love her so much and I am struggling and hurting bad. I am doing my best to support and care for her. We walk 10km a day and I try to open up to her but she never opens up to me. She says shes "numb inside". When I hug her and tell her I love her there is nothing.. She feels nothing.. She has a good friend network and lots of support amd lots of love pouring in, but me, nothing..I pray everyday for a glimmer of love, a spark to occur but I am struggling so much. I feel alone in this. I dont want to loose my wife. I have always pictured us 80 with heaps of grandkids.. Will she ever love me again? I am so sad trying to hold it all together and be strong including seeing my own psych for help.. Unfortunately I have realised I am only human. A lost lonely one at that... What can I do? Will she ever come back to me?

Nala Partner with depression and eating disorder.
  • replies: 1

Hello, my boyfriend and I have been together for about two years now, we live together and have recently become a new auntie and uncle. I have always noticed that my partner gets down sometimes, sometimes napping for long periods during the day, but ... View more

Hello, my boyfriend and I have been together for about two years now, we live together and have recently become a new auntie and uncle. I have always noticed that my partner gets down sometimes, sometimes napping for long periods during the day, but it was nothing to raise any major concern. I did recognise that he may be suffering a slight depression, however he absolutely did not want to talk about it, so I kind of just let it go. Last night he confided in me that he has been battling depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder since he was 16 years old. It came absolutely out of nowhere and I was very shocked. My partner told me that he binge eats, and then makes himself throw up in the bathroom. We have been living together for a year, and somehow I have never noticed. He said the most recent time that he made himself vomit was last week. He is extremely fit and works as a personal trainer, and confided in me that he has a lot of issues around his body image. He also told me that when he was around 17 he used to self harm. He gets quite anxious, often overthinking a lot of things and worrying about the future, unable to remain in the present. I'm not sure if he will be willing to access help at this stage, because he has never told anybody about his depression, anxiety, eating disorder, however I feel that I can be a huge support to him, even if he is not wishing to receive professional help. Any advice would be so appreciated. I am going to try and linking into headspace, but I'm not sure if he's ready yet to talk to a professional.

Lost4words New to the Group, in support of partner....
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, I am feeling overwhelmed with the fact my husband wants me to help and support him- but when I want to see a dr about it he runs for the hills. It has only become a lot more serious lately after him telling me "he can't do this anymore" ... View more

Hi everyone, I am feeling overwhelmed with the fact my husband wants me to help and support him- but when I want to see a dr about it he runs for the hills. It has only become a lot more serious lately after him telling me "he can't do this anymore" and he thinks about doing something to himself so we will get his insurance payout etc. Which absolutely guts me and saddens me to think he is thinking to do that. I don't help the situation because a lot of the time I am speechless and don't know how to reply-I just shut down. I have to tread on eggshells around him because he does take almost everything personally and negatively. He also has a relationship with alcohol and drinks daily , easily almost 700ml bottle of spirits to escape his feeling and worries but he then is on the war path to put me down and place a lot of the blame on me. I am also feeling really tired of his verbal abuse towards me - I practically do everything -when I have been beside him for the past 13yrs. It hasn't been easy at all. I just want him to see he doesn't have to do it alone and get past the stigma. There have been times when I want to leave because the lack of respect and love hoping if he gets the help and support he needs we might have a chance. But I know this is the time he needs me the most. I need help to help him. Do I ask him to make an appointment, or do I just make it myself and just take him. Because I think he expects me do it all- since he blames me for the way he feels. Sorry for the long post.

SalClo How to help friend when in a manic phase
  • replies: 3

My very good friend has had to change medication. Result has been increased manic behaviour over six months and he will not discuss this with family, and believes his increase productivity is a bonus. He doesn't see the inappropriate comments he make... View more

My very good friend has had to change medication. Result has been increased manic behaviour over six months and he will not discuss this with family, and believes his increase productivity is a bonus. He doesn't see the inappropriate comments he makes to friends, the physical impact of limited sleep and increased alcohol consumption etc etc. Family approaches to his psychiatrist and GP have been unhelpful. What do we do now?

daffodilia Boyfriend's undiagnosed issues stressing me out
  • replies: 4

I think my boyfriend has depression and I don't know how to help him get help. Bit of backstory - we lived in college for a while, but now he lives with two friends in an apartment. They're usually busy with work and uni; meanwhile he's only doing on... View more

I think my boyfriend has depression and I don't know how to help him get help. Bit of backstory - we lived in college for a while, but now he lives with two friends in an apartment. They're usually busy with work and uni; meanwhile he's only doing one subject at uni, has no job, and no hobbies besides video games/internet. He says he feels like he lives alone since they're out so much. We made a bunch of friends at college, but since we left people are busy and we don't see them much. With not much else to do he tends to get lonely easily, and he spends most of his time with me or home alone. I think he should join clubs or something to fill his time but he says he doesn't want to. This then puts pressure on me as I'm mostly his only source of entertainment. Anyway a few months ago he told me he thought he might have depression. I'd thought so for a while - I have anxiety/had depression myself and I'd noticed similarities between his behaviour/reactions and my own. We'd talked and it had been ok and he'd seemed a little open to getting help, but wasn't keen on medication. But that was a few months ago and since then nothing has changed. If I ever bring it up he seems to shut down on me and doesn't respond much beyond "ok" or "yeah I know". I've asked him why he's resistant to the idea and he's talked about not wanting the hassle, or not knowing what the problem is so how could they help? but he's never shut down the idea completely. I want to understand so I can help, but when I ask him to elaborate on things or feelings the answer is often "I don't know" - I understand that's sometimes because he doesn't, or doesn't know how to say it, but he rarely elaborates and it feels like another shut down. I feel very left in the dark. He's told me that he stresses about everything - his health, finding a job, money, figuring out what he wants to do, having no friends or hobbies, lack of exercise, no motivation. It's killing me because I can see how unhappy in his life he is, and I can see how easily it could change if he'd just take that first step and get help. I know it's not my responsibility to look after him, but I care about him a lot and want him to be ok. But honestly, I have my own mental health to worry about. I'm nearly failing uni and I can't spend as much time with him as he'd like, which doesn't help him. Worrying about him, comforting him when he's down or keeping him company is stressing me out a lot, and I don't know what to do.

officeguy33 My partner is severely depressed and I don't know how to help
  • replies: 3

Hi. I've been with my partner for almost 6 years and I love him more than anything. He suffers from depression and anxiety and these have manifested to varying degrees over the years. I also have similar issues, however not to the same degree. I have... View more

Hi. I've been with my partner for almost 6 years and I love him more than anything. He suffers from depression and anxiety and these have manifested to varying degrees over the years. I also have similar issues, however not to the same degree. I have difficulty talking about emotions and understanding his feelings. He is not in a very good place in his life, he's an artist and paid work is hard to come by, he feels his passion for his art slipping away and his depression is at its lowest. I don't know what to do or say. He sees a psychologist which is very helpful and has been on anti-depressants which are also effective for a time, but are essentially just a band-aid and have only helped in the short-term. He pushes me away and feels that I'm not doing enough to help. I feel this is true, that I could do more, but I just don't know what to do. He needs encouragement and motivation and I'm struggling to work out how to do that. He knows I love him and I take care of him, but nothing is working and I feel helpless seeing him slip away.