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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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WorriedSaz Worried about hubby not sure what to do anymore
  • replies: 2

Hi My husband recently misused his anti depressants, (which he has been on for a year). I took him to GP they up his meds and prescribed a new medication to take when required. He initially cut back on alcohol and seemed to want to try and get help. ... View more

Hi My husband recently misused his anti depressants, (which he has been on for a year). I took him to GP they up his meds and prescribed a new medication to take when required. He initially cut back on alcohol and seemed to want to try and get help. But this last to weeks have been bad, he is drinking far to much (at least a carton of beer) and not wanting to do anything at all. I have tried to get him back to the doctors, he's refusing to go, I make plans to get out of the house (take the kids places or just go for walks) he refusing to get out of bed. I'm really worried about him, I don't know what else to do, I know he shouldn't be drinking while taking the new medication (I have hidden which when he finds out he will go off at me). What more can I do? I worry about my young children also, when is it a toxic situation for them to be in? I am concerned about what they are seeing and the effect on them to. any help will greatly be appriceiated. Thank you

Rawlikesushi Supporting teenage son as we navigate justice system
  • replies: 9

I understand this is a public forum and I don't want to expose my family in any way so I won't go into details. Our son has been accused of some very serious charges of sexual assault. He swears that the sex was consensual and has not changed his sto... View more

I understand this is a public forum and I don't want to expose my family in any way so I won't go into details. Our son has been accused of some very serious charges of sexual assault. He swears that the sex was consensual and has not changed his story since the incident. We are supporting him as best as we can and for the most part over the last 3 months we have believed that he is telling the truth. We have only recently seen the statement from the claimant (I avoid calling her the victim because it implies guilt) but sometimes I find myself wondering if he actually is capable of these crimes. It's a horrible feeling to have those moments when you don't believe your child, especially in a situation as serious as this. Over the years I have had feminist conversations with him, teaching him that women are to be respected and that 'No means No' and I don't want to believe that he couldn't control himself and treated someone with such callous disrespect. Our son is a typical adolescent in so many ways - moody, irritable, irresponsible, and has made lots of stupid decisions that have landed him in trouble at school and beyond school. There have been many times when he has refused to take responsibility for his actions, but we have tended to take that as a sign of immaturity rather than maliciousness. Right now we are trying to support him and each other but we are spending tens of thousands on legal fees and it is taking a toll on my mental health (depression, social anxiety, chronic absenteeism). I am very worried about him. He is getting regular counselling but his mood has recently deteriorated and he is self-harming and confesses to feeling 'distanced from the rest of the world,' He is very dark and difficult to reach. I'm interested to know if anyone else is in this situation and how are you coping? Thanks

Aliaaa Autism spectrum.
  • replies: 4

Hi all. So my boyfriend was really straightforward when we met, letting me know he is on the autism spectrum. I have done research and there are so many different facts, opinions and threads of information. And yes, I do realize that no two cases are... View more

Hi all. So my boyfriend was really straightforward when we met, letting me know he is on the autism spectrum. I have done research and there are so many different facts, opinions and threads of information. And yes, I do realize that no two cases are the same. I have a couple of concerns, or observations even. He gets very caught up in things and often forgets I am there. And struggles to show affection, which makes me sometimes question does he want me there. I also feel I need to be very careful with what I say, the last thing I want is to hurt him or make him feel uncomfortable. Any advice would be very much appreciated, thank you lovely humans of BB x

Glendapaul Stop labelling and help
  • replies: 2

I'm a carer of and loving man who can't get the answers we both need or the help he is currently in a hospital bed being treated for sudo seizures,has had over 25 in the past 24 hours and now they want to pass him over to the mental health team yet a... View more

I'm a carer of and loving man who can't get the answers we both need or the help he is currently in a hospital bed being treated for sudo seizures,has had over 25 in the past 24 hours and now they want to pass him over to the mental health team yet again have done X-rays and ct but when asked for an MRI due to the amount he is having was told that there was no point as they all feel it to do with his many labels in other words too hard basket .iv had a family member who was wrongly diagnosed and years later died from brain tumour hence why after all theses seizures I asked for one .im lost scared and have lost all faith in our health system that I currently work in I'm over it the man I love has no one to help him but me and I'm scared of losing him .

Mezzac68 Please help me understand
  • replies: 3

My partner has bipolar and has been joining adult dating sites. It seems to be cyclic but there are no symptoms or signs that this is happening. He seems to be quite "normal" at these times. He has never had sex outside of our relationship that I kno... View more

My partner has bipolar and has been joining adult dating sites. It seems to be cyclic but there are no symptoms or signs that this is happening. He seems to be quite "normal" at these times. He has never had sex outside of our relationship that I know of and he says he is definitely hetrosexual but he is in contact with other men on these sites. This has happened 4 times in the past 2 years since we have been together. I love him with all my heart and am trying to be supportive and help him but I don't know how much more I can handle. He says he loves me more than anything in the world and I believe him but am finding it difficult to trust him and my own anxiety and depression is starting to get the better of me. I would like to know if there is anyone else that can give me some advice. People who have been through the same sort of thing. He genuinely seems remorseful and upset about it all but when I find pictures on his phone of his private parts, I start to feel physically ill. I just don't know where to turn to for help to understand all of this. He is taking medications for his BP but being an alcoholic isn't doing him any good. He is a wonderful man, so loving and kind, a very quiet personality and I want things to work out for us. He said he needs to see his psychologist and get reviewed. Is this always going to be there or can he overcome it somehow and control it. I'm at my wits end. I knew he was bipolar when we met and he has always been upfront about it, his past and how he came to be diagnosed. He works very hard and is sometimes not home for days as he is a truck driver. We have no children living at home but both have kids to ex partners (mine are adults and his are under 16 yrs). This is ruining our relationship and I don't want that. Can anyone please give me any advice or experiences. I just feel so alone at the moment

Hays4 Help..my boyfriend has anxiety
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone this is my first post..I'm 28, female I have been with my boyfriend for just over 7 months now. He is the most amazing person I have ever met, the love of my life, my best friend. He has anxiety. I am scared and ashamed to admit I am stru... View more

Hi everyone this is my first post..I'm 28, female I have been with my boyfriend for just over 7 months now. He is the most amazing person I have ever met, the love of my life, my best friend. He has anxiety. I am scared and ashamed to admit I am struggling with dealing with it. I know what I'm dealing with is nothing compared to what he is dealing with but I need some sort of support and I thought here would be a good place. The times I find the hardest and I would like to hear from anyone who experiences the same thing, is times when he shuts off, shuts me off. Times when like right now, he turns over and sleeps with his back to me. No goodnight no kiss no I love you. It's absolutely tearing me up inside. He did it last night too and I mentioned it to him and how much it hurts me but he did it again tonight. Is this abnormal anxious reaction? Please help.

ND79 Losing hope. Cup of support running out
  • replies: 3

I don't know where to begin writing this post. Everything seems so full on, confusing and completely hopeless some days. My husband (married 4yrs, together 13 yrs) is suffering from severe depression, anxiety & ptsd. In 2015 we had our first child an... View more

I don't know where to begin writing this post. Everything seems so full on, confusing and completely hopeless some days. My husband (married 4yrs, together 13 yrs) is suffering from severe depression, anxiety & ptsd. In 2015 we had our first child and this is when it all reared its head. Initially it felt mild, he got some treatment (meds & cbt) & although there were ups and downs along this road it seemed to be disappating. 3 days before the birth of our second child in Dec 2016 he went off his meds voluntarily and kept it hidden from me for weeks. Things went downhill fast. His depression became severe & I felt alone watching him decay all whilst I was raising a newborn and a toddler. Our relationship was suffering. After a sudden blood nose (which he has never had) he went back to the GP and everything came flooding out. It was then we got a referal to a psychiatrist and he got back on his meds. He has now had a few appts with the psychiatrist and working on getting meds right. He is also taking meds for flashbacks and another tablet to help him sleep (non addictive apparently) ontop of the Anti-d's. Ontop of this he had his first psychotherapy session for help with PTSD late last week which triggered him. Finally to add to things he was made redundant at work two weeks ago. So that's a run down on my situation. Obviously it's a shortened version. I don't know what to do anymore. I try to be supportive but I'm getting told I'm saying the wrong thing. I feel hopeless, helpless & some days just absolutely angry and frustrated. I feel like I walk on egg shells and feel guilty if I try to keep life moving. The down days are so hard to keep positive and I can't help but feel like everthing will continue to get worse. There's no light. My cup of support is running out and i feel like I'm being affected by all the negative myself and I'm running out of steam. The psychotherapist said that I shouldn't try solve his problems as they will work on that but just to be there as support. But what do you do when you feel like your supportis not enough. That the darkness is to strong? I'm so overwhelmed.

ButtonB Mother not open to doing anything differently.
  • replies: 5

Hello, every year from around late March until September my mother (in her early 70s) slips into a prolonged bout of depression. She has been taking an SSRI for quite a few years now and even increased her dose before during depression bouts. The med... View more

Hello, every year from around late March until September my mother (in her early 70s) slips into a prolonged bout of depression. She has been taking an SSRI for quite a few years now and even increased her dose before during depression bouts. The medication does not seem to assist though during this time. She has just become depressed again this year and she says she will just "put up with it" again and is really resistant to seeking help other than discussing her medication dose with her GP as she does each year. She's really closed to seeing a counsellor - she believes they don't help. I'm seeking other ideas on what alternative support and possible remedies might be available to her as I don't believe she just needs to go through this each year for the time she does. I'd welcome others suggestions and thoughts. Thanks in advance.

Mish_A_Wish How to explain the need for personal space
  • replies: 2

Hi, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year. I believe that he is suffering from depression. It has been very hard supporting him for so long when he doesn't seem willing to help himself, but I am reading more about depression now ... View more

Hi, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year. I believe that he is suffering from depression. It has been very hard supporting him for so long when he doesn't seem willing to help himself, but I am reading more about depression now and learning what it is like for him and the support that I can offer. What I am finding difficult is taking care of my own welfare. My boyfriend is very clingy and needs me to say how much I love him all of the time. But whenever I have a weekend if I say I need a day at home to "do my own things" I get severely cross examined on why I don't want to spend the time with him. He really doesn't seem to understand that sometimes I need my own space. I really need some downtime to give myself space from his misery which feels suffocating sometimes. But I can't ever ask for this without him questioning if I love him or asking for justification of why I don't want to be with him. If I tell him w reason e.g. That I want to read my book he teases "you love your book more than me!" It is said in a teasing way but it is clear that he is offended. Aside from waiting for it to get so bad that I have to break up with him for my own welfare, I don't know how to gently explain what I need. If I say that I need time away from him to relax or to protect my own welfare, I know that he will feel really guilty and miserable for making me feel down. If I ask him to accept when I say that I need time and not ask questions, this feels like dumping him and blocking him off from support. Please help with suggestions! Mish

kezza_187 When do I put myself first? Partners anxiety and nastiness
  • replies: 3

My partner and I have 2 kids together (6 and 4). He is a past drug addict, spent the first 3.5 years of my son's life in jail, cheated on me when he was on drugs and I was pregnant with my daughter. We weren't together when he was in jail but we comm... View more

My partner and I have 2 kids together (6 and 4). He is a past drug addict, spent the first 3.5 years of my son's life in jail, cheated on me when he was on drugs and I was pregnant with my daughter. We weren't together when he was in jail but we communicated often so he could build a relationship with his kids. He has been out for 9 months and showed no signs of using, has been working full time and we have developed more of a relationship and seeing where it can go (the kids come first and I know that even if we totally break up we will stay in each other's lives as we always have despite situations). I have been on anxiety meds for 9 years. I have anxiety, phobia and OCD. I would love to say he's helped me with this, at times he has, but more often than not I am told my anxiety is ruining our relationship, I need to get over it etc. I admit that I hold resentment towards him for not being there for our kids. Even since he got out he doesn't have the kids on his own for longer than a couple of hours as it's too challenging for him. The last few weeks he has sunk into depression and anxiety. He says he finds it hard to talk to me as I'm a bit of a stress head. I have filled his sister in and she has been spending more time with him etc. The issue is I feel so selfish and lost as to what's right and wrong. When is enough enough? He speaks to me so badly, always thinks the worst of me and puts me down to the point where my self esteem is barely there, constantly tells me how I'm feeling. He says I make him feel worthless and constantly bring up the past, which I actually make a point of never bringing up! This is where it is difficult because I selfishly think what about me! I have done everything on my own for 6 years, when do I get to make my life about the kids and I, maybe have time to myself even just for an hour or two. I have struggled to get out of bed and go to work in the past but I was the only one there for the kids so I did. I have had enough of feeling like I have a third child. My Dad has cancer, he hasn't even asked how his appointments have gone. My Dad being sick is another thing making me anxious, I spent last week in hospital with my sick daughter and was made to feel guilty for not spending time with him. How selfish am I? How do I help him when I am getting put down? How do I stop the resentment? How do I find a balance? When is enough enough as it is affecting my mental health hugely. Thank you