I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for nearly a year. She is kind, supportive, playful/sassy, and so smart. We are both in our early 20s. Even when I first met her, she was already dealing with her mental health (anxiety/depression). She is willing to acknowledge that she has a problem, but is unwilling to see doctors (mostly because of her family's attitude to mental illness) and cost of treatment, so she refuses to do anything about it.
When she is sad (which is almost every day), she has moments where she becomes irrationally angry at the trivial, and at that point she lashes out at everyone who is around (which is usually me), blocks me out, won't listen to anything/anything I say makes her angrier, and (due to my own anxiety) can make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I've learnt to let her be sometimes, but I can't always be in a good mood myself to not let it get to me. I know how important communication is in a relationship, but every time I calmly try to discuss the things that hurt me or I disliked or even could be done differently, she becomes incredibly self-degrading and blocks herself off from the world. Her usually teasing and sarcastic self becomes silent and meek. She has extremely low self esteem, and when she's in that state, she believes that she is not good enough for me/too mean/abusing me/a terrible person/etc. Instead of acknowledging the issue, she turns to self hatred, won't let me comfort her physically, and nothing I seem to say is right (usually because I genuinely am not good at saying comforting things in that situation: I'm more of a speak with my actions type of person). I also have depression/anxiety (medicated), and each time it makes me panic about the impact of all this on the relationship, even though I know it's ok. One of the most hurtful things that she has said to me at that point is that she finds it difficult to believe me when I tell her that I love her.
I enjoy time spent with her (even when she is sad), but sometimes she doesn't really enjoy herself on dates/wants to leave early because she is too anxious about getting work done, and I feel like I miss out on a lot of fun shared moments I could be having. She insists we can stay if I want, but I can't have fun if she isn't.
I don't want her to feel bad. I know it's not her fault. But it affects me and I need to do something.
How can I set a boundary for my own well being? And how can I/should I try to urge her seek help if she refuses?
