How to help my depressed ex-boyfriend from a distance

[trying_to_help_depressedb]

Hey everyone!

Three months ago my ex ended our relationship after almost 3 years because of his battle with depression. This was really confusing because he told me none of this was my fault, and it left me feeling a bit helpless. Since then I've done my best to keep myself in check and make sure I'm prioritising myself for the time being. As well as this, I've been studying up and trying to familiarise myself as much as I can with depression and its consequences, potential treatments and just generally how to support my ex whilst being sensitive to his struggle.

Within the last month or so, he and I have communicated that we still have strong feelings for each other and he says that he hopes for and wants a future between us. However, for now - he says that he doesn't think a relationship will work because of his condition and that he just wants to be his "old self" (referring to who he identifies himself to be before this depressive episode). I've made it clear to him that I refuse to rush him or pressure him in to anything, and if the time comes that he feels ready, we will progress from there. I still love him so much and I try my best to show him support and unconditional love, without smothering, because he is so important to me and he is my favourite person in the entire world.

So, with all of that being said, does anyone have any advice on how to be there for him, without putting any strains or pressures on him? For example, I like to take him to dinner and send him cute pictures of dogs that make him laugh. Things like that 🙂

Thank you!

[Croix]

Dear Trying_to_help_depressedbf~

Welcome here to the Forum. You sound a lovely and sensible person, and your ex-bf is lucky you care so much for him.

I'm afraid I'm not going to be the bearer of much news you did not suspect - and are acting on already. All the measures you have taken, no pressure, keeping it light, amusement are really great and as far as I can see, without knowing your BF, the best you can do.

It is an unfortunate fact that those with a mental illness such as depression have to want help they need in order to get better. He is the one that has to see a GP, be tested and in due course, if appropriate, given a Heath Plan, subsidized visits to a psychologist for therapy, and possibly meds.

Gently trying to steer him in that direction may be possible - I don't know how that would be taken. Pointing out that trying to soldier on alone is not a good idea may help too. I personally would not have improved to the level I'm at now without such help.

Are you the only person who might have influence over him - or is there someone else he might take notice of like a parent or friend you could discuss the matter with?

Continue to let him know - without crowding - that you are going to keep on supporting him is probably the most you can do unless things change.

On another matter this whole setup will be very taxing on you too and it is important you take care of yourself. Do you have the support you need and someone who cares who will hep you share your burden?

I know you mentioned researching depression. I'd like to suggest you look at The Facts menu above which had a lot of information on the illness and also supporting someone . At the same time you might like to browse here on this Forum to see how others in the same situation have coped.

I'm sorry I do not have a more positive message for you. I'd like it though if you could post again and say how you are going

Croix

[geoff]

hello Trying_to_help_depressedbf~, and thanks Croix for your good reply, depression is such a difficult word to even begin to understand, it has so many different variables, and so many different parallels that are so hard to understand, because when you love someone you always think that it can never be lost, and nothing can come between you, unfortunately depression will do this.
Has your r/ship ended, it may seem as though it has, because he has said it has, because of his depression, but the two of you still talk to each other and stay in contact, that's great to let him know that you care for him and tell him that you love him, that's what you need to keep doing, without smothering him, otherwise he will close up, and that's not what you would ever want.
He will have times when he won't want to talk with you, only because it's a really bad day for him, give him the space he needs, then there could be times when he wants to talk with you early in the morning, 2 am, or an hour where you sleeping, these times are very important in discussing what he wants to say, because he feels desperate, meaning that he's really low.
Encourage him to see his doctor and then also a psychologist, offer a suggestion that you are happy to go with him, he may not argee with it, but it's a way of showing your support for him, just a little at a time.
I hope there will be a happy ending here, but also can I suggest you seek help yourself, because depression is silent, but to those who love and care for them, it's hard yakka. Geoff.

[trying_to_help_depressedb]

Thank you for your replies, Croix and Geoff - it really means a lot that you guys replied to my post. I appreciate it so much!

To Croix:

Thank you for your support! With regards to people who may have influence over him, he expresses that I am the person who he feels closest too and that of all of his friends, I am the one who has stood out as consistently being considerate and caring of his situation. It is a bit of a tough spot for him it seems, and it gets a bit difficult to follow but in short: he feels distant from his friends, as he feels that they don't understand him and as well as this, he is confused by my response to our separation. My response being understanding as opposed to unreasonable and angry. I sometimes think he wanted me to be upset directly with him so it would justify his feelings? I'm not too sure.

Furthermore, with my own mental health - I feel very fortunate to have a great support network of friends. Sometimes I do feel overwhelmed with this whole situation, but funnily enough through my research of my ex-partners condition, I have learnt a lot about the management of my own well-being and how to take proactive steps towards keeping myself happy and healthy.

[trying_to_help_depressedb]

Hey Geoff,

First off - thank you for your response!

I'm trying my best to be considerate of the space that he wants and needs. It does sometimes get hard because I love spending time with him, and I love just chatting with him in general. However, I just need to remind myself that this space is for the best and ultimately for the benefit of his progression. It's crazy how much this separation has made me appreciate him and our relationship!

My next step is definitely, as you recommended, to encourage him to visit the doctor and pursue some professional help. He has had experience with anti-depressant medication before, however this was before we knew each other. I think that experience has put him off. Maybe that wasn't the correct prescription or dosage for him? I'm not too sure, are there many variants in terms of anti-depressants?

I hope there will be a happy ending too! For now, I just take it day by day, doing the best I can to support him.