Upset and down about my relationship with my gf.

[tbourke]

I have been with my girl friend for over 4 years now. She has been diagnosed and medicated with depression 2 years ago but has had it since 16 she feels.
She is 23 and I am 29. She recently been getting worse. More regular melt downs drinking heavily and alone, and also not working on her self.
She is with the TRIAGE team and see's a therapist/Psychologist fortnightly since February (10 visits at a cheap rate). I know since she has told me that her therapist/Psychologist has told my GF to look at getting some hobbies to fill in her days. (She is not working and stays at home while her parents are working alone and watches movies, she also wants to work but feels she needs to work on her depression first before she looks for work) The Psychologist has also told her to get into drawing classes since she loves to draw and also some things that me and my GF can do to enjoy ourselves. She has not done anything about that and that upsets me. I have noticed and this is why I am writing on this forum that she is getting worse. I know depression can be 1 step forward 2 steps back but the general feel of her well being is she is not helping herself. When I talk about these issues with her she gets really upset and we end up talking about something else. I am thinking of writing a letter? What do you suggest? I really do want me and my gf to last and I know she dose to but I don't know what to do?

[JessF]

Hello tbourke,

Welcome here and sorry to hear things aren't well for your girlfriend right now, and by extension yourself as it sounds like you are finding it quite stressful working out the best way to support her at this time.

Your girlfriend does not sound very well at the moment, and for her to be in touch with a triage team as well as a psychologist would suggest this is a particularly nasty episode. She may not have the capacity to 'work on herself' at present, or at the very least the expectation of what that means may need to be scaled right back to something she feels she can handle.

For example, holding down a job may be out of her reach at present, but cutting back on her drinking may be a short term goal that she is able to work towards. That may seem like a small thing to an outsider, but for someone who is deeply depressed and is desperate to relieve themselves of pain, alcohol can be very attractive.

In your post you mention that the psychologist has suggested drawing classes and some things for you and her to do together, and that this has not eventuated. You also say your attempts to discuss these things with her have not worked either.

One of the most upsetting things about depression is the loss of control you feel. Sometimes it makes you feel worse when you are told what to do, even if the advice is well-meaning. Being able to say "no" can be the only form of control you have left when depressed.

My best suggestion for you at this stage is to meet her where she is, and try not to rush her recovery to suit your own timetable. Try and make the time you spend together with her enjoyable and distracting (this in itself can be helpful for depression, no need to raise the elephant in the room if she doesn't wish to discuss it). Take things slowly and ask her what SHE needs from YOU, rather than telling her what SHE needs.

I hope this helps.

[geoff]

hello tbourke, I am really sorry for her to be trapped in a situation like this, because it involves you immensely with trying to help her, but nothing seems to be happening as she is caught up with using alcohol to try and make her feel somewhat better, but it's going to stop her from taking up or continuing any hobbies she used to do, all she wants is her alcohol.
I understand that she wants to get over her depression but this won't happen while she is still drinking, that's her priority, and everyone who is seeing her will be asking her to stop, but it's a catch-22 situation, in other words, she will only do this when she feels her depression is lifting, although what she could be telling them is that she will give up just to appease them, plus she could be hiding what she should be saying to them or holding back.
An alcoholic doesn't appreciate what everyone is trying to say to them, that she/they must give up, especially by the medical support she is now seeing, this will only make them want to drink even more, because it's a very delicate situation.
Her medication needs to be reviewed just as a precaution, but she needs to be distracted but only a little at a time, and perhaps if she could read about what alcohol does to a person, may encourage her to slow down.
I must say that I was in exactly the same position as your g/friend when I was in depression, but my circumstances were slightly different, I had been married for 25 years, but this was one reason why she divorced me.
Hope to hear back from you, and any question you like. Geoff.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi tbourke,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for your post.

You've gotten some great advice here already but I want to throw another perspective into the mix (never dull here!).

I really agree that talking can help but I understand you've tried and she gets upset. Can I ask how the conversation goes? What do you say and how does she respond? Sometimes looking into the nitty gritty of what is being said can really turn a conversation around and make it a little more approachable and hopefully not get that same response.

I'm also really interested in what she thinks about the drawing classes; does she feel like that's too big of a step? As someone who has depression and who has supported someone with depression I can understand both sides. Maybe the drawing class feels to overwhelming - in which case it might be more ideal to set a smaller goal. How does she spend most of her days?

[tbourke]

I really appreciate your support and suggestions. We had a really good weekend together that has just past. I got to talk to her on a deeper level but found she is easier to talk to when well. This is very confusing but I think I am getting to understand her on a better level. After reviewing what I had been talking about with her she wasn't ready to face my talks about my concerns with her. I needed to give it a some time before we chatted about it. That's my biggest thing I can see that works for us. Its all about timing!!

My gf is also talking about not smoking and drinking to a huge level. This is huge for her!! So like you guys have been saying 1 step at a time. She is not ready yet to tackle the next step in her recovery but I will be by her side when she is.

I have 1 question, if things are going well for her and kicking goals, do you bring up the next step or let it take its course? (Could be getting out doors for a walk or run on her own, or drawing classes etc...) and if you do bring it up how do you go about it? I've found when I bring up drawing classes the topic simply gets squashed straight away. She wont want to bring it up but I wanting to talk to her about it. The reason is she says to me that I should be with someone who is working and is more setup that she is. I just tell her the truth and say that they wont complete me like you do. I just feel that she could feel better about our relationship together.

Thanks again guys for your help.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi tbourke,

Thanks for your post.

I appreciate you getting back to us and a huge congrats for all the wins so far! Talking about not smoking and drinking is great and I'm really glad that she's motivated to work on her recovery!

That's a great question you have for us but I'm not sure that I can answer that one for you; I don't think there's any 'right or wrong' answer. Sometimes it can help to give her a little push/encouragement in the next step, and other times it might just be able taking a moment to celebrate how far she's come. Maybe other times she might be able to get ready for the next step herself. I think maybe this is something you will know intuitively by seeing how she's going and feeling.

I'm also curious to know why the topic gets squashed; is it because the idea of the classes are too daunting? Is it because she's ashamed she's not ready yet?

You said in your post that she's easier to talk to when well. Perhaps this is something you can approach with her; how you'd like to work together in achieving the next goals/what's helpful/not helpful for you to say and do etc. Everyone is different of course but learning how to support each other is key.

[tbourke]

I did end up talking with her when she was better. She did open up and explain that being around people would be daunting (Exact words are people are annoying) .

She also suggest if we could both draw together. I will take her on on that idea to see if later on she might look into drawing classes later on.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi tbourke,

Thanks for your post.

I'm really glad your girlfriend was able to open up to you again. It definitely sounds like it's easier talking to her when she's feeling well, plus I can see that she trusts you a lot which is great.

Ha, people can be annoying! I have to agree with her on that one. It's good though that she's still seeing the therapist.

I love the idea of drawing classes - it sounds like a lot of fun! I hope that it works out for you both.

[tbourke]

Since posting this her therapist has left for personal reasons. I am trying to encourage her to speak with the TRIAGE team to organised another therapist since she hasn't been contacted since. I am worried that she only has 3-4 more visits before she needs to pay full price for it. When we do talk about it she doesn't seem interested in talking about it. Also since my GF is on center link have you guys got any suggestions for her to afford regular therapist sessions?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi tbourke,

Thanks for your post.

I'm sorry that your girlfriend's therapist left; that can be really difficult to handle and I hope that your girlfriend is coping okay with this.

Being able to afford therapy is so difficult and I can relate to this. I really wish that being able to see a therapist didn't have to be so hard for people. So far the only way that I've found to get past this barrier is;

- Speak to the new therapist. There are many that will offer concession rates and some psychologists and psychiatrists do bulk bill. If she sees a counsellor (a counsellor rather than a psychologist) the fees will be cheaper. I highly recommend you have a chat to the TRIAGE team about this.

- Try Headspace. They are either free or low-cost and they have psychologists to talk to. You can find your local Headspace centre here - https://headspace.org.au/headspace-centres/

- Reevaluate the spending and create a budget. Again, not ideal - but people do make it work by cutting costs in other places. This might be cutting money on entertainment expenses or having cheaper meals.

There is a thread on this if you want to have a look too - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/what's-cooking-good-looking-