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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Jacks86 My sister's struggle
  • replies: 1

Hi, My sister has suffered from depression and anxiety since she was 12 years old. I myself also struggle with these disorders yet not to my sister's extent. the last 2 years has been a total rollercoaster for my sister who has 2 children and a husba... View more

Hi, My sister has suffered from depression and anxiety since she was 12 years old. I myself also struggle with these disorders yet not to my sister's extent. the last 2 years has been a total rollercoaster for my sister who has 2 children and a husband. I seem to have become my sister's "safe zone", she depends on me enormously to give her support and encouragement when she has an episode of intense anxiety which has involved domestic violence, police and DHS. They only assist in the short term. As much as I have tried to be there for my sister on a daily basis, I have felt myself pulling away from her as my own anxiety from these situations is starting to get out of control. this week my sister cancelled plans with me for lunch said she was sick but then an hour later said she wasn't sick just sad and wanted to stay at my house. I tried to call her but no answer. I texted her saying to come to my place but she cannot stay as she needs to not runway but face what the real issues at home are. I have been trying to convince my sister and her husband that they need to go to marriage counselling and individual counselling but neither of them do anything to change their situation. I said i am hear to listen and hug her but she needs to make changes as this cannot continue. My sister just felt like I was not understanding her and picking the side of her husband. my sister ends up swearing at me and telling me to leave her alone. so much anger from her. I am feeling at a loss. when a text message comes through to my phone, I feel nausea and I get a tight chest and my heart starts pounding. I fear what the words will be. I worry about my niece and nephew and also the safety of my sister. I have the selfish desire to just walk away as I feel what I have been putting into helping my sister these past years has not helped her anyway and she wont listen to any opinion or advice. Does anyone think that I should ask my sister to enrol in counselling before I go back to being a part of her life? is this wrong for me to use my presence as a way to get her to seek professional help (which she has done many times in the past but always quits when she doesn't like what the counsellor says)? I am lost. I don't know if I should choose myself over her and step away completely from her life and in turn lose the relationship of a sister and ill lose my niece and nephew at the same time. Any guidance would be appreciated. thank you

Aranel Partner has been admitted for depression, says he hates and blames me for being there
  • replies: 2

On Tuesday afternoon I managed to convince my partner to go to ED after he'd told me he'd tried to hurt himself the night before. After lots of waiting be talked to a doctor and then a psychiatrist and they decided to keep him overnight. In the morni... View more

On Tuesday afternoon I managed to convince my partner to go to ED after he'd told me he'd tried to hurt himself the night before. After lots of waiting be talked to a doctor and then a psychiatrist and they decided to keep him overnight. In the morning he got moved to the mental health unit and has deteriorated from there. He's bored and hates it there, basically is just trying to sleep through the experience. When I visited today he was really angry and told me it's my fault because he moved here and got his job for me and I'm the one who made him go to the hospital. He also said being in there just makes him feel like killing himself more because he feels trapped. He asked me not to come back for the afternoon visiting session and I didn't because I honestly don't think I could have dealt with that again. I don't know what to do for him and I just needed to share. I thought him getting more help would make me feel better about him being safe but I honestly just feel awful.

Rawnblade99 Don't know what to do - supporting friend who has depression
  • replies: 4

Hi, Thanks for reading. I do not have depression but my friends do. They are on medication (have changed medication a few times) and have suffered depression approximately 15 years or so Things escalated recently when a pet went missing after being c... View more

Hi, Thanks for reading. I do not have depression but my friends do. They are on medication (have changed medication a few times) and have suffered depression approximately 15 years or so Things escalated recently when a pet went missing after being cared for by friends/family and they havent been well since (obviously the loss of a pet is significant) but they seem to be in a slump and there is no way to get them out of it. They are seeing doctors weekly, and medication is involved. We catch up occasionally and just talk/listen for hours which is fine and during that time its a rollercoaster of emotions and I'm afraid I'll say something that makes them snap. I feel quite helpless that I cant help them overcome this grief/anger/emotionless that seems to consume them so they can feel not happy but not sad if that makes sense. Their medication dulls their emotions as such and I can't always tell if they're being sarcastic or not so anything they say that is offensive or gives me concern I try to put it down to them being sarcastic, but at the end of the day I feel like there is still some truth in it. The personal attacks I can endure but its the other little comments that give me concern. I feel like the doctors aren't doing anything to help which I know is really unfair, as my friend is someone who doesn't open up but I know in all professions there are some good ones and some bad ones I cant help but think some of the comments they've mentioned their doctor say is rather unprofessional. My friend isn't one to talk about their problems to strangers let alone a doctor (they don't like doctors) Anyway, it is taking a toll on me, I also have quite a number of other friends who have depression who talk to me and sometimes I just feel like everyone talks to me about it and I am no expert. I listen and I listen but sometimes I feel like its too much but I don't want to ignore them because that will just make it worse. Reading these and googling helps sometimes but sometimes I just feel like I'm drowning in other peoples problems and I just don't know what to do. Occasionally when it gets too much I have a panic/anxiety attack and just cry and can't breathe and I have to turn all the lights on and the tv to help me calm down. It hasn't happened in a while as I can often feel myself on the edge and try to calm myself down before it hits but occasionally I don't do it early enough/can't control it. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Sadandconfused Partner "broke up with new" due to his depression
  • replies: 1

Hi All, My long term partner recently broke up with me after his counsellor suggested he wasn't going to be able to heal his depression until his life became much simpler. My partner is 40 and I am 28, throughout our relationship we have been incredi... View more

Hi All, My long term partner recently broke up with me after his counsellor suggested he wasn't going to be able to heal his depression until his life became much simpler. My partner is 40 and I am 28, throughout our relationship we have been incredibly co dependent (him more so than me). He has suffered from depression all of his life and describes this period as the worst one yet (it's been 2months) The counsellor suggested that he create 'space' in his life, space to get better and tackle the depression once and for all. I was devastated that our relationship became collateral damage but I truly love and adore him and want to help in any way to create an environment for him to heal. Since the break up (only a week ago) I have seen him once, he dropped some of my things around and invited me back to his place for a coffee. We then snuggled and kissed, made love and communicated that while this is not a 'want' it is a 'need'. He said one of his biggest driving forces to getting better is so that he can have me back in his life, so that we may have a future together again. He says that he can't imagine me not being in his life and that he loves me so so much. During his last visit, he sat awkwardly in front of me and said 'can I ask you a question?' At first I was afraid of what he was going to ask but said yes, hesitantly. He then asked (in a really awkward and almost child like way) 'I was just wondering if you'd like to spend the night with me on Sunday' (it was currently Thursday) To which i replied 'I would love to' He said it was hard for him not to ask me to spend every night with him at the moment and that he was forcing himself to create space from me. I desperately want to be a part of his healing and to reap the rewards of a nourishing relationship with him at the end, but Im scared. I must admit, In the past, I tend to take the easy option and run from my problems... and selfishly I am temped. What if I wait, show support and after all that turmoil - he doesn't want me? I'm confused as we technically 'broke up' but when we are together we wrap each other up and exist in a world of intimacy that we are both equally hungry for. not sure what he is wanting or trying to achieve and I'm equally unsure as to what I should do - this is very very hard - the uncertainty, the fear, the void. We dont FEEL over, my heart still belongs to him and I truly love and adore him. Could this be temporary? Should I have faith and wait? Thanks x

love_of_baking Feel so lost, l dont know what to do
  • replies: 7

Hi everyone, My partner has severe depression and l dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to lose him but I'm not sure if I'm coping too well. Im not the best with words in stressful situations so never know what to say to him half the time and w... View more

Hi everyone, My partner has severe depression and l dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to lose him but I'm not sure if I'm coping too well. Im not the best with words in stressful situations so never know what to say to him half the time and when he is really having a bad day I get so emotional and cant help but cry, I try my best to not let him see because I dont want to make him feel any worse but I cant stop myself from crying no matter how hard l try. I just hate that he has to go through this. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say, my emotions are just killing me today

La_la My 12 year old Son has anxiety 
  • replies: 1

My 12 year old Son has anxiety - please help He will not go to school and avoids social situations. Only feels comfortable at home. He doesn't cope well with change. I have finally have an appointment with an O.T. on Monday after a 2 week wait. I fee... View more

My 12 year old Son has anxiety - please help He will not go to school and avoids social situations. Only feels comfortable at home. He doesn't cope well with change. I have finally have an appointment with an O.T. on Monday after a 2 week wait. I feel he is missing so much school and worried the longer he stays away from school the harder it will be to go back. Anyone out there have any children with anxiety that can help me?

b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_ Six Year old with anxiety
  • replies: 4

Hi... My six year old son is in the process of being diagnosed "officially" with anxiety (GAD) and most likely autism spectrum disorder. My heart is broken for him... and I will do anything and everything to help him. He is such a beautiful soul.. an... View more

Hi... My six year old son is in the process of being diagnosed "officially" with anxiety (GAD) and most likely autism spectrum disorder. My heart is broken for him... and I will do anything and everything to help him. He is such a beautiful soul.. and it's so hard to see him struggle through his young life. Does anyone else have anyone so little with anxiety? Thanks...

Amy400 How do I protect the Children
  • replies: 17

Hello, first time poster. I feel like my husbands depression is destroying our family. It's been 18 mths of doctors, meds, hospital and even ECT. His mood swings are awful, it's like living with Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. He has very little to do with the... View more

Hello, first time poster. I feel like my husbands depression is destroying our family. It's been 18 mths of doctors, meds, hospital and even ECT. His mood swings are awful, it's like living with Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. He has very little to do with the kids and me, not interested in family outings or taking much interest in the kids school life. He also hates the puppy which we got for the kids last year, and wants me to get rid of it. This is extremely distressing for the children. I am struggling to support my husband ( it's just not nice to be around him sometimes)but protect the kids and give them the happy childhood that they deserve. All this plus work to pay the mortgage, all the cleaning and house duties as well. He can't even mow the lawn, so I have started that too. I see no end in sight and need some guidance. There is not much joy in this existence.

Sman Carer & wife struggling with the day to day demands as a parent of a disabled adult son
  • replies: 2

Not sure what to do as we always seem to get the same response of: You just have to wait. Well we can’t wait…. When I left for work this morning my wife was again crying on the bed with the feeling of failure. This is a daily occurrence. She has a 29... View more

Not sure what to do as we always seem to get the same response of: You just have to wait. Well we can’t wait…. When I left for work this morning my wife was again crying on the bed with the feeling of failure. This is a daily occurrence. She has a 29 year old son with cerebral palsy who is constantly lashing out. Lashing out because my wife’s body is physically breaking down and she can’t supply the level of care he needs each and every day to get him out of bed, showered etc., so he can have his own quality of life. He doesn’t understand this… so who is the target of his aggression? Her. Mainly verbal but on occasions physical. She is now visiting doctors & physios virtually every week because of her own issues, effectively she lost her job after 25 years with the same company because she could not put in the extra hours under new owners. She breaks down and cries constantly and the strain is mounting on our relationship. I can see this change in her and it worries me. His day care are great, but the issue is mornings when the rest of the family leave for work and she is left to try and start each day, struggling to dress herself at times due to her own physical decline. We have tried getting people [off our own backs] in to help, but who wants to deal with someone constantly hurling abuse at them. It just seems like there are roadblocks everywhere and what hurts is that I am seeing someone I love think they are a failure, and yet from the outside all we get is, sorry there is nothing we can do at this stage, or just wait, or does he still have the same condition, or why can’t the other siblings step up and so on…..

Chrissy85 How can I help my partner
  • replies: 3

I want to be a better wife, I want to help my husband to be happy. I just dont know how. He has been depressed for along time, and a few months ago he finally went and seen a doctor about it who gave him some time of work and some tablets to take. Th... View more

I want to be a better wife, I want to help my husband to be happy. I just dont know how. He has been depressed for along time, and a few months ago he finally went and seen a doctor about it who gave him some time of work and some tablets to take. Things were good while he was off work, and ended up quiting and going back to his old job. Now this are worse than ever. He is so angry all the time. He doesnt have a single nice thing to say. He gets mad and throws things, bunches holes in the doors. We have several broken windows as a result and two broken doors. He has in the last two weeks threated me on four different occassions, that he wants to punch me in my face. I am scared of him. He has never once in our entire 14years together ever said sorry. Its always my fault. My fault as I dont help enough with the renos, the house isnt clean enough ( I do all the house work and work full time, we have three kids one of whom has a disablity), the dog barked, I coughed, basically anything he can think of. He never used to act out in front of the kids, but now he does. They are used to it know. I dont want to leave him I want to help, but at the same time I want to run and hide. I dont want my children to grow up and think that this is acceptable. We don't get much time alone. By the time I get home it make the kids dinner, homework, bedtime ritual. I sit down about 8.30pm with him to watch a show them we are off to bed. Weekends are busy looking after the kids and catching up on house work. I am not an overly affectionate person and I have never been good with the deep and meaniful conversation. But I want him to be able to talk to me about what he is really angry about. Please help.