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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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LeanneB My son has severe anxiety and I'm not sure how to help
  • replies: 2

Hi there, For the last 12 months or so my 17 year old son has been suffering from social/generalized anxiety. He has always been a shy boy and had difficulty making new friends. I thought it was just how he was and that he would become more confident... View more

Hi there, For the last 12 months or so my 17 year old son has been suffering from social/generalized anxiety. He has always been a shy boy and had difficulty making new friends. I thought it was just how he was and that he would become more confident as he grew older. He is now in Year 11 at an all boys school and has been relatively happy at this school up until Year 9. He had a few close friends who shared his love of playing soccer and everything seemed ok. Last year during Year 10 he began not wanting to attend school and I had a call from one of his friend's Mum stating that his friend was worried about him as he wasn't himself and was spending recess and lunch standing to one side and playing on his phone instead of joining in on conversations as previously. This has since become worse and he now stays home more than he attends school. He tells me he has no friends in his classes and sits by himself and doesn't talk to anyone and of course this is causing him to be miserable. He says it is too late to change anything now and he just needs to 'get through it'. He says he wants to complete school but he doesn't attend which has become a vicious cycle of not attending, missing work, having to catch up which is causing more stress. He did see a Psychologist for most of last year although this did not seem to help him much. He will be starting with a new Psychologist shortly. Any ideas on how I can help him to attend school on a more regular basis in the meantime?

Barty174 I am scared and lost about my wifes depression
  • replies: 3

Hi peeps, This is a first for me but I am struggling. My wife of 22yrs has recently been diagnosed with moderate depression. I love her so much and I am struggling and hurting bad. I am doing my best to support and care for her. We walk 10km a day an... View more

Hi peeps, This is a first for me but I am struggling. My wife of 22yrs has recently been diagnosed with moderate depression. I love her so much and I am struggling and hurting bad. I am doing my best to support and care for her. We walk 10km a day and I try to open up to her but she never opens up to me. She says shes "numb inside". When I hug her and tell her I love her there is nothing.. She feels nothing.. She has a good friend network and lots of support amd lots of love pouring in, but me, nothing..I pray everyday for a glimmer of love, a spark to occur but I am struggling so much. I feel alone in this. I dont want to loose my wife. I have always pictured us 80 with heaps of grandkids.. Will she ever love me again? I am so sad trying to hold it all together and be strong including seeing my own psych for help.. Unfortunately I have realised I am only human. A lost lonely one at that... What can I do? Will she ever come back to me?

Nala Partner with depression and eating disorder.
  • replies: 1

Hello, my boyfriend and I have been together for about two years now, we live together and have recently become a new auntie and uncle. I have always noticed that my partner gets down sometimes, sometimes napping for long periods during the day, but ... View more

Hello, my boyfriend and I have been together for about two years now, we live together and have recently become a new auntie and uncle. I have always noticed that my partner gets down sometimes, sometimes napping for long periods during the day, but it was nothing to raise any major concern. I did recognise that he may be suffering a slight depression, however he absolutely did not want to talk about it, so I kind of just let it go. Last night he confided in me that he has been battling depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder since he was 16 years old. It came absolutely out of nowhere and I was very shocked. My partner told me that he binge eats, and then makes himself throw up in the bathroom. We have been living together for a year, and somehow I have never noticed. He said the most recent time that he made himself vomit was last week. He is extremely fit and works as a personal trainer, and confided in me that he has a lot of issues around his body image. He also told me that when he was around 17 he used to self harm. He gets quite anxious, often overthinking a lot of things and worrying about the future, unable to remain in the present. I'm not sure if he will be willing to access help at this stage, because he has never told anybody about his depression, anxiety, eating disorder, however I feel that I can be a huge support to him, even if he is not wishing to receive professional help. Any advice would be so appreciated. I am going to try and linking into headspace, but I'm not sure if he's ready yet to talk to a professional.

Lost4words New to the Group, in support of partner....
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, I am feeling overwhelmed with the fact my husband wants me to help and support him- but when I want to see a dr about it he runs for the hills. It has only become a lot more serious lately after him telling me "he can't do this anymore" ... View more

Hi everyone, I am feeling overwhelmed with the fact my husband wants me to help and support him- but when I want to see a dr about it he runs for the hills. It has only become a lot more serious lately after him telling me "he can't do this anymore" and he thinks about doing something to himself so we will get his insurance payout etc. Which absolutely guts me and saddens me to think he is thinking to do that. I don't help the situation because a lot of the time I am speechless and don't know how to reply-I just shut down. I have to tread on eggshells around him because he does take almost everything personally and negatively. He also has a relationship with alcohol and drinks daily , easily almost 700ml bottle of spirits to escape his feeling and worries but he then is on the war path to put me down and place a lot of the blame on me. I am also feeling really tired of his verbal abuse towards me - I practically do everything -when I have been beside him for the past 13yrs. It hasn't been easy at all. I just want him to see he doesn't have to do it alone and get past the stigma. There have been times when I want to leave because the lack of respect and love hoping if he gets the help and support he needs we might have a chance. But I know this is the time he needs me the most. I need help to help him. Do I ask him to make an appointment, or do I just make it myself and just take him. Because I think he expects me do it all- since he blames me for the way he feels. Sorry for the long post.

SalClo How to help friend when in a manic phase
  • replies: 3

My very good friend has had to change medication. Result has been increased manic behaviour over six months and he will not discuss this with family, and believes his increase productivity is a bonus. He doesn't see the inappropriate comments he make... View more

My very good friend has had to change medication. Result has been increased manic behaviour over six months and he will not discuss this with family, and believes his increase productivity is a bonus. He doesn't see the inappropriate comments he makes to friends, the physical impact of limited sleep and increased alcohol consumption etc etc. Family approaches to his psychiatrist and GP have been unhelpful. What do we do now?

daffodilia Boyfriend's undiagnosed issues stressing me out
  • replies: 4

I think my boyfriend has depression and I don't know how to help him get help. Bit of backstory - we lived in college for a while, but now he lives with two friends in an apartment. They're usually busy with work and uni; meanwhile he's only doing on... View more

I think my boyfriend has depression and I don't know how to help him get help. Bit of backstory - we lived in college for a while, but now he lives with two friends in an apartment. They're usually busy with work and uni; meanwhile he's only doing one subject at uni, has no job, and no hobbies besides video games/internet. He says he feels like he lives alone since they're out so much. We made a bunch of friends at college, but since we left people are busy and we don't see them much. With not much else to do he tends to get lonely easily, and he spends most of his time with me or home alone. I think he should join clubs or something to fill his time but he says he doesn't want to. This then puts pressure on me as I'm mostly his only source of entertainment. Anyway a few months ago he told me he thought he might have depression. I'd thought so for a while - I have anxiety/had depression myself and I'd noticed similarities between his behaviour/reactions and my own. We'd talked and it had been ok and he'd seemed a little open to getting help, but wasn't keen on medication. But that was a few months ago and since then nothing has changed. If I ever bring it up he seems to shut down on me and doesn't respond much beyond "ok" or "yeah I know". I've asked him why he's resistant to the idea and he's talked about not wanting the hassle, or not knowing what the problem is so how could they help? but he's never shut down the idea completely. I want to understand so I can help, but when I ask him to elaborate on things or feelings the answer is often "I don't know" - I understand that's sometimes because he doesn't, or doesn't know how to say it, but he rarely elaborates and it feels like another shut down. I feel very left in the dark. He's told me that he stresses about everything - his health, finding a job, money, figuring out what he wants to do, having no friends or hobbies, lack of exercise, no motivation. It's killing me because I can see how unhappy in his life he is, and I can see how easily it could change if he'd just take that first step and get help. I know it's not my responsibility to look after him, but I care about him a lot and want him to be ok. But honestly, I have my own mental health to worry about. I'm nearly failing uni and I can't spend as much time with him as he'd like, which doesn't help him. Worrying about him, comforting him when he's down or keeping him company is stressing me out a lot, and I don't know what to do.

officeguy33 My partner is severely depressed and I don't know how to help
  • replies: 3

Hi. I've been with my partner for almost 6 years and I love him more than anything. He suffers from depression and anxiety and these have manifested to varying degrees over the years. I also have similar issues, however not to the same degree. I have... View more

Hi. I've been with my partner for almost 6 years and I love him more than anything. He suffers from depression and anxiety and these have manifested to varying degrees over the years. I also have similar issues, however not to the same degree. I have difficulty talking about emotions and understanding his feelings. He is not in a very good place in his life, he's an artist and paid work is hard to come by, he feels his passion for his art slipping away and his depression is at its lowest. I don't know what to do or say. He sees a psychologist which is very helpful and has been on anti-depressants which are also effective for a time, but are essentially just a band-aid and have only helped in the short-term. He pushes me away and feels that I'm not doing enough to help. I feel this is true, that I could do more, but I just don't know what to do. He needs encouragement and motivation and I'm struggling to work out how to do that. He knows I love him and I take care of him, but nothing is working and I feel helpless seeing him slip away.

Turtlekenobi Being a good partner
  • replies: 3

First of all - apologies if there is already a thread on this topic (in fact there are probably hundreds). I apologise for any incorrect terminology that may offend or patronise too. My partner suffers from depression and anxiety and at times it real... View more

First of all - apologies if there is already a thread on this topic (in fact there are probably hundreds). I apologise for any incorrect terminology that may offend or patronise too. My partner suffers from depression and anxiety and at times it really affects me. I know that seems selfish but when she has her episodes I feel like I can't win. As an example at the start of the week I planned a night away for two days for work, thurs/fri (i am self employed). My financial situation is a shambles and trips like this can be very beneficial as a financial boost so I need to go on them. I leave tomorrow and tonight she accuses me for not thinking about her and putting work first. This is very common and she often accuses me of this. I can't defend myself because if I try, we argue and it makes her worse. I also made an event for our combined 30th birthday this Saturday and she tore me apart for not considering her situation (she is having a bad week mentally). My mother is flying all the way from NZ and my partner's issue isn't that I am having birthday drinks but that I have put pressure on her to come despite her situation? It is so frustrating I don't know how much longer I can deal with it. Sorry if this is just a ramble. Perhaps that's all it is and maybe that's enough as a starting point for a discussion and for some advice as a partner. Cheers guys

RandR 6 Thiings I wish I knew before dating someone with anxiety and PTSD
  • replies: 0

Hi there, My name is Raman and I recently joined bluevoices and this will be my first thread on something I recently endured and learnt. I'm 32 years of age, a former sufferer of depression for around 12 years and was recently in a relationship with ... View more

Hi there, My name is Raman and I recently joined bluevoices and this will be my first thread on something I recently endured and learnt. I'm 32 years of age, a former sufferer of depression for around 12 years and was recently in a relationship with an amazing woman who suffered major anxiety and PTSD. Her past was not a pretty one, at all. However she as a bright as the sun and covered up her scars well. Over the 3 months we were together I can say that this was by far the most challenging relationship I had ever been in. I feel I am not the only one out there who has dated someone with anxiety/PTSD so I hope that message and honest advice cn help anyone else out there who has met similar circumstances. 1) Don't take things personal - Over time I learnt not to look through my eyes, but hers. It the early stages I always thought 'she doesn't like me' or 'what did I do to make her upset?' The reality was her reactions were not a reflection of me, but of her past and what she had endured. 2) Let them come to you - I have typically been the type of man to take charge and plan things. I also have no issues being affectionate and displaying that, however, dating someone with PTSD you have to be mindful of this and take the back seat. When they are ready, they will come to you. 3) Give space - This was very difficult at the start. When you meet and start dating someone you like, the natural progression is to spend more time together and see each other often. This wasn't the case with her and our relationship. They can get a feeling of being very overwhelmed and I picked up on this and had to learn to give space and take things slower than normal. 4) Research - My ex had endured being raped at a very young age by a group of older men. Horrible beyond imagination. I took the time to do a lot of research on rape and the side effects it can have on people. She knew I did a lot of researched and smiled when she first found out and thanked me. 5) Hot & Cold - One moment she was holding my arm tightly and smiling, the next she distanced herself and went quiet. Respect that this will happen and it's when your partner goes cold, you need respect that and not take it personal and give space without them making them feel bad. 6) Don't dig for the past - When I asked her, eye contact gone! We all have a past. Not everyone might be as open as you in sharing it. I hope this helps you and thank you for reading. Regards,Raman.

Vulgar_Contender How to help wife
  • replies: 6

Hi all, My wife is suffering fairly severe depression and she is convinced that medication and counselling will not work. She seems adamant that there is no solution and that while medication may ease some symptoms, they will not address her issues o... View more

Hi all, My wife is suffering fairly severe depression and she is convinced that medication and counselling will not work. She seems adamant that there is no solution and that while medication may ease some symptoms, they will not address her issues of a deep dislike for herself (her words) and that it will never cure her depression and anxiety. I am worried that she may hurt herself and while I am not against taking drastic emergency action, I wanted to explore if there were any other options as she has said that she would be open to other avenues of treatment. My wife has suffered for a good 15 years and sees this as her normal and does not believe that it can change. I am at my wits end and any suggestions would be welcome!