Don't know what to do - supporting friend who has depression

[Rawnblade99]

Hi,

Thanks for reading. I do not have depression but my friends do.

They are on medication (have changed medication a few times) and have suffered depression approximately 15 years or so

Things escalated recently when a pet went missing after being cared for by friends/family and they havent been well since (obviously the loss of a pet is significant) but they seem to be in a slump and there is no way to get them out of it.

They are seeing doctors weekly, and medication is involved. We catch up occasionally and just talk/listen for hours which is fine and during that time its a rollercoaster of emotions and I'm afraid I'll say something that makes them snap.

I feel quite helpless that I cant help them overcome this grief/anger/emotionless that seems to consume them so they can feel not happy but not sad if that makes sense.

Their medication dulls their emotions as such and I can't always tell if they're being sarcastic or not so anything they say that is offensive or gives me concern I try to put it down to them being sarcastic, but at the end of the day I feel like there is still some truth in it. The personal attacks I can endure but its the other little comments that give me concern.

I feel like the doctors aren't doing anything to help which I know is really unfair, as my friend is someone who doesn't open up but I know in all professions there are some good ones and some bad ones I cant help but think some of the comments they've mentioned their doctor say is rather unprofessional. My friend isn't one to talk about their problems to strangers let alone a doctor (they don't like doctors)

Anyway, it is taking a toll on me, I also have quite a number of other friends who have depression who talk to me and sometimes I just feel like everyone talks to me about it and I am no expert. I listen and I listen but sometimes I feel like its too much but I don't want to ignore them because that will just make it worse.

Reading these and googling helps sometimes but sometimes I just feel like I'm drowning in other peoples problems and I just don't know what to do.

Occasionally when it gets too much I have a panic/anxiety attack and just cry and can't breathe and I have to turn all the lights on and the tv to help me calm down. It hasn't happened in a while as I can often feel myself on the edge and try to calm myself down before it hits but occasionally I don't do it early enough/can't control it.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks.

[geoff]

dear Rawnblade, I know deep down that you would be appreciated, it's just that when someone is suffering from this, they are unable to show any emotion, physically or emotionally and because of this it does upset you not knowing how much help you have been to them.
If this is affecting you emotionally which this can often do, as nothing seems to be helping them, then you need to start looking after yourself, and get any help starting with your doctor, because you need to be strong so that you help them, but if you're also suffering then you won't be able to think clearly.
There is no doubt that a missing pet or one that has passed away is terrible, I've been through it a couple of times, but the last one I'd had for 18 years was probably the hardest, not because it was the last one I've lost, but the puppie went everywhere with me, she was my companion.
It's great that you want to help all these people, so can I suggest that you click on 'Get Support' and scroll down to 'Publicians to download' or in turn ask BB to send out this booklet to you, because it contains so much information about mental illness, and if they are able to read through it, may provide some missing information they are trying to find. Geoff.

[Felista]

Hey Rawnblade 99,

You sound like a very giving person and a great listener, both of which can be very draining on yourself if you do these things without filling yourself back up. When we're with others we recharge from their energy and they recharge from ours. But when the person (friend) we choose to be with has depression, they don't have much energy to share, so they tend to suck more of it out of you, and leave you feeling drained. I used to try to help others from a half-filled vessel and found I'd hit rock bottom eventually and it took me to my 50 years of age to learn that I have to fill myself up first and give others the overflow. Time out, a holiday, a walk on the beach, meditation, exercise, a special indulgence, all help you refill. Taking time for you is not selfish, it's essential.

Trying to "fix" others problems also hasn't worked for me. Just listening is sometimes all we can do, and often all they really want. But be careful of those who don't want to be fixed because they really just enjoy seeing how much they can get you to do for them, watching you bounce all over place trying to fix their problems.

You mentioned "I try to put it down to them being sarcastic, but at the end of the day I feel like there is still some truth in it. The personal attacks I can endure but its the other little comments that give me concern". In my experience, people use sarcasm to convey something they believe to be true and wrap it up in a joke. When I lived in Africa I had to learn to drop the 'Aussie sarcasm' because it was always taken literally and people were offended. I now see sarcasm as a poor tool of communication.

Personal attacks are not something you want to deliberately subject yourself to. I have a step-daughter with a severe mental disability and even she can understand when she needs to change a bad behaviour. Sarcastic digs and personal attacks are bad behaviours that need to be addressed in any relationship regardless of what illness or condition people may be suffering.

Hurting another person in any form it comes in, is not acceptable.

Might I suggest you set your boundaries with your friend at the next visit, and let them know that you find it hard to be a good friend to them when you feel attacked by their remarks. You are under no obligation to visit them if they continue to be abusive. Sometimes even our friends need a sharp word to let them know when they've crossed the line.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

[bipolarbeauty]

Hi Rawnblade99,

It sounds like you have been through a lot as a person who has friends with depression. I, too, struggle with the fact that I can't help my friends overcome/'fix' their struggles. At the end of the day I try to remember I am human after all, and that as people we can only help so much. It's overwhelming to know that in its own sense.

Feel free to update us all by replying to this thread.

Take care.

Suzi

[Rawnblade99]

Hi all

Thank you so much for your responses, I did in fact take some time out today to recharge, and will have a think further on how to discuss boundaries with friends 🙂

Guess last night was just a bit tough, thank you for all your help!