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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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La_la My 12 year old Son has anxiety 
  • replies: 1

My 12 year old Son has anxiety - please help He will not go to school and avoids social situations. Only feels comfortable at home. He doesn't cope well with change. I have finally have an appointment with an O.T. on Monday after a 2 week wait. I fee... View more

My 12 year old Son has anxiety - please help He will not go to school and avoids social situations. Only feels comfortable at home. He doesn't cope well with change. I have finally have an appointment with an O.T. on Monday after a 2 week wait. I feel he is missing so much school and worried the longer he stays away from school the harder it will be to go back. Anyone out there have any children with anxiety that can help me?

b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_ Six Year old with anxiety
  • replies: 4

Hi... My six year old son is in the process of being diagnosed "officially" with anxiety (GAD) and most likely autism spectrum disorder. My heart is broken for him... and I will do anything and everything to help him. He is such a beautiful soul.. an... View more

Hi... My six year old son is in the process of being diagnosed "officially" with anxiety (GAD) and most likely autism spectrum disorder. My heart is broken for him... and I will do anything and everything to help him. He is such a beautiful soul.. and it's so hard to see him struggle through his young life. Does anyone else have anyone so little with anxiety? Thanks...

Amy400 How do I protect the Children
  • replies: 17

Hello, first time poster. I feel like my husbands depression is destroying our family. It's been 18 mths of doctors, meds, hospital and even ECT. His mood swings are awful, it's like living with Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. He has very little to do with the... View more

Hello, first time poster. I feel like my husbands depression is destroying our family. It's been 18 mths of doctors, meds, hospital and even ECT. His mood swings are awful, it's like living with Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. He has very little to do with the kids and me, not interested in family outings or taking much interest in the kids school life. He also hates the puppy which we got for the kids last year, and wants me to get rid of it. This is extremely distressing for the children. I am struggling to support my husband ( it's just not nice to be around him sometimes)but protect the kids and give them the happy childhood that they deserve. All this plus work to pay the mortgage, all the cleaning and house duties as well. He can't even mow the lawn, so I have started that too. I see no end in sight and need some guidance. There is not much joy in this existence.

Sman Carer & wife struggling with the day to day demands as a parent of a disabled adult son
  • replies: 2

Not sure what to do as we always seem to get the same response of: You just have to wait. Well we can’t wait…. When I left for work this morning my wife was again crying on the bed with the feeling of failure. This is a daily occurrence. She has a 29... View more

Not sure what to do as we always seem to get the same response of: You just have to wait. Well we can’t wait…. When I left for work this morning my wife was again crying on the bed with the feeling of failure. This is a daily occurrence. She has a 29 year old son with cerebral palsy who is constantly lashing out. Lashing out because my wife’s body is physically breaking down and she can’t supply the level of care he needs each and every day to get him out of bed, showered etc., so he can have his own quality of life. He doesn’t understand this… so who is the target of his aggression? Her. Mainly verbal but on occasions physical. She is now visiting doctors & physios virtually every week because of her own issues, effectively she lost her job after 25 years with the same company because she could not put in the extra hours under new owners. She breaks down and cries constantly and the strain is mounting on our relationship. I can see this change in her and it worries me. His day care are great, but the issue is mornings when the rest of the family leave for work and she is left to try and start each day, struggling to dress herself at times due to her own physical decline. We have tried getting people [off our own backs] in to help, but who wants to deal with someone constantly hurling abuse at them. It just seems like there are roadblocks everywhere and what hurts is that I am seeing someone I love think they are a failure, and yet from the outside all we get is, sorry there is nothing we can do at this stage, or just wait, or does he still have the same condition, or why can’t the other siblings step up and so on…..

Chrissy85 How can I help my partner
  • replies: 3

I want to be a better wife, I want to help my husband to be happy. I just dont know how. He has been depressed for along time, and a few months ago he finally went and seen a doctor about it who gave him some time of work and some tablets to take. Th... View more

I want to be a better wife, I want to help my husband to be happy. I just dont know how. He has been depressed for along time, and a few months ago he finally went and seen a doctor about it who gave him some time of work and some tablets to take. Things were good while he was off work, and ended up quiting and going back to his old job. Now this are worse than ever. He is so angry all the time. He doesnt have a single nice thing to say. He gets mad and throws things, bunches holes in the doors. We have several broken windows as a result and two broken doors. He has in the last two weeks threated me on four different occassions, that he wants to punch me in my face. I am scared of him. He has never once in our entire 14years together ever said sorry. Its always my fault. My fault as I dont help enough with the renos, the house isnt clean enough ( I do all the house work and work full time, we have three kids one of whom has a disablity), the dog barked, I coughed, basically anything he can think of. He never used to act out in front of the kids, but now he does. They are used to it know. I dont want to leave him I want to help, but at the same time I want to run and hide. I dont want my children to grow up and think that this is acceptable. We don't get much time alone. By the time I get home it make the kids dinner, homework, bedtime ritual. I sit down about 8.30pm with him to watch a show them we are off to bed. Weekends are busy looking after the kids and catching up on house work. I am not an overly affectionate person and I have never been good with the deep and meaniful conversation. But I want him to be able to talk to me about what he is really angry about. Please help.

Cat_C Husband very depressed and won't seek help
  • replies: 11

My husband was diagnosed with depression a year ago and was put on meds by a GP. He saw a counsellor for a little while then she told him she felt he was doing well and to come back if he needed to. A couple of months ago he began taking himself off ... View more

My husband was diagnosed with depression a year ago and was put on meds by a GP. He saw a counsellor for a little while then she told him she felt he was doing well and to come back if he needed to. A couple of months ago he began taking himself off the meds, saying they weren't working. Since then he's gotten worse and worse. He quit his job and has been looking for another but unable to find one. He thinks if he gets another job this will all go away. He really is trying to pull himself out of the hole he's in, and he asks me to help him. I try my hardest. I organise social stuff, I ask him to do exercise and meditation with me, I've made it clear I want to listen to his thoughts and fears, I love him and I want to help. But none of that works, and because it's not working, he maintains that I'm not trying at all. He asks me how I can be here watching him so distressed and do nothing. I feel terrible, because I can't think how else to help. He never tells me what he wants me to do, because if he knew what I should do, he wouldn't need my help. I can't defend myself ever, at all, because he sees that as insulting. I've read everything i could find, many threads here, I've suggested everything I could think of but nothing works, or is even acknowledged as effort. At the moment he won't even be in the same room with me because he feels I don't care, am doing nothing, and he doesn't even know me. I'm worried he's going to throw our marriage away because he feels unsupported. I've tried to get him to see a psychiatrist, and he went to get a referral (for me) but then had a number of arguments with me abut how it was unfair of me to make him do something that might be more damaging (he feels his last encounter with professionals did more harm than good). I can actually understand that, and can see why he'd be worried about going on meds again considering the withdrawal was bad for him. I've also suffered from an eating disorder and anxiety and I've found psychologists to be a mixed bag, with about 2 out of 5 actually moving me forward - but I feel this is common and you need to find the right one for you, i don't blame the profession. If anyone has any ideas of what I can do to help him while not giving him ultimatums about what I think he needs to do, I'd be really grateful. I also want to show him I care and that I'm really trying, which he sees as selfish and about me and preserving my self-esteem, but if that's true then i guess i am selfish.

tbourke Upset and down about my relationship with my gf.
  • replies: 9

I have been with my girl friend for over 4 years now. She has been diagnosed and medicated with depression 2 years ago but has had it since 16 she feels. She is 23 and I am 29. She recently been getting worse. More regular melt downs drinking heavily... View more

I have been with my girl friend for over 4 years now. She has been diagnosed and medicated with depression 2 years ago but has had it since 16 she feels. She is 23 and I am 29. She recently been getting worse. More regular melt downs drinking heavily and alone, and also not working on her self. She is with the TRIAGE team and see's a therapist/Psychologist fortnightly since February (10 visits at a cheap rate). I know since she has told me that her therapist/Psychologist has told my GF to look at getting some hobbies to fill in her days. (She is not working and stays at home while her parents are working alone and watches movies, she also wants to work but feels she needs to work on her depression first before she looks for work) The Psychologist has also told her to get into drawing classes since she loves to draw and also some things that me and my GF can do to enjoy ourselves. She has not done anything about that and that upsets me. I have noticed and this is why I am writing on this forum that she is getting worse. I know depression can be 1 step forward 2 steps back but the general feel of her well being is she is not helping herself. When I talk about these issues with her she gets really upset and we end up talking about something else. I am thinking of writing a letter? What do you suggest? I really do want me and my gf to last and I know she dose to but I don't know what to do?

trying_to_help_depressedb How to help my depressed ex-boyfriend from a distance
  • replies: 4

Hey everyone! Three months ago my ex ended our relationship after almost 3 years because of his battle with depression. This was really confusing because he told me none of this was my fault, and it left me feeling a bit helpless. Since then I've don... View more

Hey everyone! Three months ago my ex ended our relationship after almost 3 years because of his battle with depression. This was really confusing because he told me none of this was my fault, and it left me feeling a bit helpless. Since then I've done my best to keep myself in check and make sure I'm prioritising myself for the time being. As well as this, I've been studying up and trying to familiarise myself as much as I can with depression and its consequences, potential treatments and just generally how to support my ex whilst being sensitive to his struggle. Within the last month or so, he and I have communicated that we still have strong feelings for each other and he says that he hopes for and wants a future between us. However, for now - he says that he doesn't think a relationship will work because of his condition and that he just wants to be his "old self" (referring to who he identifies himself to be before this depressive episode). I've made it clear to him that I refuse to rush him or pressure him in to anything, and if the time comes that he feels ready, we will progress from there. I still love him so much and I try my best to show him support and unconditional love, without smothering, because he is so important to me and he is my favourite person in the entire world. So, with all of that being said, does anyone have any advice on how to be there for him, without putting any strains or pressures on him? For example, I like to take him to dinner and send him cute pictures of dogs that make him laugh. Things like that Thank you!

Bluebelly Drawing the line between caring for another and self care?
  • replies: 3

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for nearly a year. She is kind, supportive, playful/sassy, and so smart. We are both in our early 20s. Even when I first met her, she was already dealing with her mental health (anxiety/depression). She ... View more

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for nearly a year. She is kind, supportive, playful/sassy, and so smart. We are both in our early 20s. Even when I first met her, she was already dealing with her mental health (anxiety/depression). She is willing to acknowledge that she has a problem, but is unwilling to see doctors (mostly because of her family's attitude to mental illness) and cost of treatment, so she refuses to do anything about it. When she is sad (which is almost every day), she has moments where she becomes irrationally angry at the trivial, and at that point she lashes out at everyone who is around (which is usually me), blocks me out, won't listen to anything/anything I say makes her angrier, and (due to my own anxiety) can make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I've learnt to let her be sometimes, but I can't always be in a good mood myself to not let it get to me. I know how important communication is in a relationship, but every time I calmly try to discuss the things that hurt me or I disliked or even could be done differently, she becomes incredibly self-degrading and blocks herself off from the world. Her usually teasing and sarcastic self becomes silent and meek. She has extremely low self esteem, and when she's in that state, she believes that she is not good enough for me/too mean/abusing me/a terrible person/etc. Instead of acknowledging the issue, she turns to self hatred, won't let me comfort her physically, and nothing I seem to say is right (usually because I genuinely am not good at saying comforting things in that situation: I'm more of a speak with my actions type of person). I also have depression/anxiety (medicated), and each time it makes me panic about the impact of all this on the relationship, even though I know it's ok. One of the most hurtful things that she has said to me at that point is that she finds it difficult to believe me when I tell her that I love her. I enjoy time spent with her (even when she is sad), but sometimes she doesn't really enjoy herself on dates/wants to leave early because she is too anxious about getting work done, and I feel like I miss out on a lot of fun shared moments I could be having. She insists we can stay if I want, but I can't have fun if she isn't. I don't want her to feel bad. I know it's not her fault. But it affects me and I need to do something. How can I set a boundary for my own well being? And how can I/should I try to urge her seek help if she refuses?

Marcsa 2nd Hospital Event- My Son
  • replies: 6

Hi all, Just sending this out to the cosmos. Not expecting much because I've done pretty as much as I can. Last Wednesday, my son I thought went to an appt with Mental Health Team (case manager). Said he would after this travel to visit and stay with... View more

Hi all, Just sending this out to the cosmos. Not expecting much because I've done pretty as much as I can. Last Wednesday, my son I thought went to an appt with Mental Health Team (case manager). Said he would after this travel to visit and stay with his gf, who lives 3-4hrs drive away. I received a phone call from case manager Thursday morning saying he had been admitted to hospital. Of course, I was in shock. I am still devastated to some degree. Case manager said he (my son) didn't want to see his family. Devastated. Sad. On the Friday morning, I spoke with a psychiatrist, who said it might be good if I would go in and we all - the Team, my son and myself - could have a talk. I suppose I felt a bit heard or listened to. There was still much to say. I was, on that morning, at the point of saying that I could no longer live with my son as he had lied to me. He has lied many times, and as a parent and living in the same house, etc etc - I just cannot take it anymore. My son is an adult and emotionally the transition to adulthood has been fraught. Perhaps as a single parent with my own crappy issues, I didn't reach the expectations of myself or my son. I feel like I am in mourning. I don't think we can ever go back. The trust is completely lost, gone and trampled. It feels pretty painful. I didn't think that a person could make me cry this much again - after the separation divorce etc. In some ways this is much worse, hope is but a vague wispy shadow.