My sister's struggle

[Jacks86]

Hi,

My sister has suffered from depression and anxiety since she was 12 years old. I myself also struggle with these disorders yet not to my sister's extent. the last 2 years has been a total rollercoaster for my sister who has 2 children and a husband. I seem to have become my sister's "safe zone", she depends on me enormously to give her support and encouragement when she has an episode of intense anxiety which has involved domestic violence, police and DHS. They only assist in the short term.

As much as I have tried to be there for my sister on a daily basis, I have felt myself pulling away from her as my own anxiety from these situations is starting to get out of control. this week my sister cancelled plans with me for lunch said she was sick but then an hour later said she wasn't sick just sad and wanted to stay at my house. I tried to call her but no answer. I texted her saying to come to my place but she cannot stay as she needs to not runway but face what the real issues at home are. I have been trying to convince my sister and her husband that they need to go to marriage counselling and individual counselling but neither of them do anything to change their situation. I said i am hear to listen and hug her but she needs to make changes as this cannot continue. My sister just felt like I was not understanding her and picking the side of her husband. my sister ends up swearing at me and telling me to leave her alone. so much anger from her. I am feeling at a loss. when a text message comes through to my phone, I feel nausea and I get a tight chest and my heart starts pounding. I fear what the words will be. I worry about my niece and nephew and also the safety of my sister. I have the selfish desire to just walk away as I feel what I have been putting into helping my sister these past years has not helped her anyway and she wont listen to any opinion or advice.

Does anyone think that I should ask my sister to enrol in counselling before I go back to being a part of her life? is this wrong for me to use my presence as a way to get her to seek professional help (which she has done many times in the past but always quits when she doesn't like what the counsellor says)? I am lost. I don't know if I should choose myself over her and step away completely from her life and in turn lose the relationship of a sister and ill lose my niece and nephew at the same time.

Any guidance would be appreciated. thank you

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Jacks86,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for being here.

I'm sorry to hear of what's been going on and it sounds like it's been really hard. I don't have a sister but I can see where you're coming from and I've gone through similar experiences with friends and family.

I wonder if there might be some kind of middle ground where you can set some boundaries and be her sister but without all that dependency and support. You said in your post about a conversation 'here to hug her and support her but she needs to make changes'. I'm curious if there's a way to re-frame this so that she doesn't get offended or start blaming or swearing. Things like I statements can often be more effective;- I'm scared for you, I'm worried about the kids, I'm not a professional, I can't be that counsellor for you, I'm not sure how more helpful I can be, I feel like you need more support than I can give... Anything that says I is much more likely to be received rather than 'you', no matter how well intended it is.

Another thing that I've tried before is trying to set some boundaries; so when she texts saying she's sick and you call and text it may almost feel like you're giving her what she needs and sadly it can end up in a cycle like you're in. I'm assuming this because I've been in this situation before. Instead, when she text saying she's sick you could take it at face value. This way it's up to her to open up and reach out.

I can see that you've encouraged her to reach out to counsellors which is great; can I ask what her hesitancy is in seeing one? Are there other people that support her; friends/family? Encouraging more people to be there for her can help you take a step backwards.

I'm not sure how helpful this is; I can see why you want to step away however I just want to try and throw some other options in there just in case this can be avoided. The great thing about these forums is that you can get lots of different opinions so if something doesn't click with you hopefully something else will.