I want to help

[BenD]

Hi all,

My younger bro is on the autistic spectrum (relatively mild symptoms) and sometimes it's really hard to be tolerant of his way of doing this. In our family he is known as "Mr Resister" because he resists almost every proposition and change suggested to him, and questions everything. Of course,I love him to bits for his unique and refreshing way of viewing the world but sometimes it can be a bit much.

E.g. my mum is away and so I spent 3 hours after uni shopping and making dinner (I'm the eldest of 5, Dad works till 7pm) and when it was all done he came in and made a cheeky comment about the quality of the food, probably not understanding the effort I had put in. I got mad when he didn't apologise and wrestled with him a bit (not anymore or any less than I would do with my other brothers) and he got upset. Dad arrived home and thought I was to blame (despite my other siblings assuring him otherwise) and so I took myself off to uni again to study (unproductively).

Anyway, I later apologized for hurting my bro and he accepted it, but I still feel like he didn't appreciate how much he had upset me earlier.

I didn't mean to go off at him like that but it's hard to always hold back when you just want to react. Anyone else get this way?

Thanks in advance,

Ben

[Neil_1]

Hi Ben

I'm sorry it's been a couple of days since you've posted this and this is your first response - I do hope others might chip in soon as well.  I think the site is facing a large amount of traffic of late - so it's hard to get through to everyone.

I think what you're doing in the home situation is fabulous and when times are like that, with mum and dad away, it often falls to the eldest to take up the reins and keep the household running and functioning as best as possible.

I know you wouldn't have meant to go off or hurt your bro - just simply when things get stressful sometimes we act before other emotions/reactions kick in.

Have you tried to sit down with your bro and to just explain the situation and how difficult it is to try and get things sorted, as you're the one who is the carer, while your parents are away??   And that's no mean feat either - it does take a lot of effort and if you can try to explain that - to stress how much effort it does take, maybe your bro might understand a bit better - and hopefully that may help things go a lot better in the future.

Would love to hear back from you again.

Kind regards

Neil

[BenD]

Hi Neil,

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I will try to sit down and talk with him (he's a great kid and brother), I think he will listen if I do. As you say, sometimes it can be hard to control our actions when we are under stress.

It's especially hard because I know it's not entirely his fault, it's just the way he is and that's how the misunderstanding occurs.

Thanks again,

Ben

[AGrace]

Hi Ben,

In my childhood my mum hated cooking. My dad was constantly having affairs, and my mum was always depressed. My natural reaction was to try to be perfect for them. I would clean the house, and I started cooking for our family of 6 when I was 8 years old. My mum actually used to send me to cooking classes so that I could keep cooking. I hated it, but I was too scared to say anything in case my dad left us again, or I upset my mum. I was hurting too, but that didn't matter to them. My sisters and their boyfriends always payed me out because I was always cooking. It made me so angry. I wanted to yell at them and tell them if I didn't cook, they wouldn't be eating. The whole environment was extremely invalidating. Not a healthy place for a child.

I understand that as the eldest you have a sense of duty, but I wonder whether your siblings could also be helping out?

I know you have decided to talk with your brother, which is a good thing. I'm wondering whether you should also chat with your parents? Maybe they could help you put together a list of chores (age specific) so that all of you, including your brother, were contributing. This might also give your brother a bit more appreciation for the effort you put in. Maybe you and him cook dinner together?

I get that you didn't mean for things to get out of hand with your brother, but perhaps instead of tackling there might have been another way to resolve your conflict. Maybe ignoring him, or asking him to make his own dinner, or just telling him in a civil manner what his comments mean for you. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts?

AGrace

[Croix]

Dear Ben~

I hope I've found an appropriate thread in which to thank you for your account of a Friday night in

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

Sometimes it's easy to forget the importance of simply being with family. To have family to love and be loved by is a blessing.

Thank you for the reminder - I'll pop off now and give my partner a hug, inspired by you.

Criox